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SD wedding and dreading it

Lollybobs's picture

Ok so a bit of backstory: DH and I have been together for 20 yrs and have DD16 and DS14. Then there is SD30 and SD28. Last time I saw OSD was 12 yrs ago when I had finally had enough of her spiteful and entitled behaviour, told DH she was no longer welcome in our house and disengaged.

As far as OSD is concerned, DH is a Disney dad and she can do no wrong. BM does not parent either; she is their 'friend'. An alcoholic can't-be-arsed-to-work friend - but a friend nonetheless. Last time DH saw BM was in court 8yrs ago when he finally managed to get spousal maintenance overturned. BM has not enjoyed life since the gravy train of spousal/child maintenance stopped. She is still single, still drinking and still blaming OH (and me) for ruining her life. She did a very good job of PASing the SDs. After years of being told that BM might be dead/not there when she got back, YSD chose to stop visiting us and more or less cut herself out of our lives completely. DH does try to maintain contact but it's very rare she will respond to calls.

And now OSD is getting married. DH chose not to tell me this; the first I knew of it was when an invitation arrived with all 4 of our names on the envelope - but no names on the invitation itself! I was amazed that DD, DS and myself had  even been invited but DH sheepishly admitted that he might have told OSD that 'it would make it awkward for him' if we weren't included. I just wish he had phrased it differently ie if you disrespect the rest of my family by not inviting them, I will not be attending.'

OSD is very much the mini-wife and did not want me in their lives, let alone the arrival of DD and DS. Obviously she tells it differently to DH, who is so desperate to believe that one day we're all going to be one big happy family, he will believe anything she says. Actually he believes eveything that comes out of her mouth because 'she does not lie'.

Much as I do not want to, I have agreed to go to this wedding. BM has an evil tongue (and daughter's wedding or not, is quite likely to use it).  She has never met DD or DS and I do not trust  DH to have their backs, or even notice it happening if she starts. I'm not prepared to throw them to the wolves so therefore I am attending.

DH does not get that OSD uses him when it suits and withdraws when she does not get her own way. I have  a  feeling that she did not expect us to accept the invitation as  a family, and I wonder what punishment will ensue as a result. DH tells OSD what she wants to hear and it also transpires that DH has discussed things with SD which he had no place to do so. I doubt I will ever fully get to the bottom of this but the knowledge that it has happened is making me feel very much at a disadvantage.

My anxiety levels are through the roof. Nobody on DH's side of the family has been invited until the evening reception so we have around 6hrs sat in a room with BM's family and cronies before anyone we know arrives. 

Just feeling in need of  some support right now.

Comments

Lollybobs's picture

It's a Sunday wedding (so I can't invent a work excuse for the day itself) but we have to be home for work/school on Monday, so no hotel. Home is 2hrs away.

CLove's picture

The worry is always worse than the actual occurence. Just be your best selves, and carry on as a family unit.

Im sure there is more to this than this post, but hey, vent away!

ESMOD's picture

I would have told DH.. thanks.. but not thanks.. not interested in attending.. but I will not hold it against you if you want to go to your daughter's wedding.  

He can tell them you have a family root canal planned for the 3 of you that day..lol.

I don't like to go to the weddings of people I LIKE.. much less this kind of dancing grenade.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I was thinking, no way in hell would I go. DH can go by himself and even take the kids if he likes. 

Lollybobs's picture

No, not a 6hr gap...the ceremony is at 1pm followed by the main reception. The evening event doesn't start till 7pm, so we have those 6hrs before any friendly faces arrive. I imagaine there will be a gap though betwween the main and evening events.

Sandybeaches's picture

There are 2 receptions?  The main one that is 6 hours and another one starting in the evening?   and your saying that  DH's family (his parents, Aunts Uncles or whomever) aren't invited to the main reception? but they are invited to the evening one?  How long is the evening one?  Is there are reason why there is 2 receptions?  I have never heard of such a thing.  

If all of that is the case that is awful for many reasons.  Why isn't DH's family invited to the wedding or the main reception?  I have also never heard of inviting people to parts of a wedding.  That is extremely tacky!!  How awful for all of you!! Is DH's family upset about not being invited to the rest of the events ? Is DH walking her down the isle or having a part in the wedding?  Is he upset about his family not being invited?  

 

Lollybobs's picture

Yes Sandybeaches the evening reception starts 6hrs after the ceremony, so in that 6hrs is the ceremony/main reception. I suspect there will be a gap though between the end of the main reception and evening reception. There isn't a finish time for the evening one on the invitation (but that doesn't matter because we won't stay late due to the drive home and school/work the next day).

It's a common thing here to have a main reception and an evening one. The main one is the sit-down meal followed by speeches. The evening one is usually a buffet and attended by the main reception guests plus extras (people you're not so close to but would still like to be part of your day eg work colleagues).

DH's mom is no longer with us and his dad hasn't been invited at all. DH's brothers and their families have only been invited to the evening reception. I have no idea if DH is upset about them not being invited to the main event; he always justifies anything OSD does so he's unlikely to admit that this is wrong. As yet, we have no idea what part (if any) DH will play in the wedding because OSD has been giving him the silent treatment since he accepted the invitation on behalf of all 4 of us.

Winterglow's picture

In Scotland, the second reception tends to be referred to as "the dance".  

The first reception is "the meal". 

"Are you invited to the dinner or just the dance?"

Smile

 

shellpell's picture

If the wedding is local, DH can go the ceremony himself, then go back home and all four of the family can go to reception, stay an hour or two at the most, then go home. In, out, as litle discomfort as possible. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Invitation or not I personally wouldn't do anything that makes me uncomfortable, especially since there was history of crossing boundaries and not being respectful. I get why you're going, because your kids will be attending and you want to be there in case something pops off. Its a shame that your H can't be trusted to protect and have their back if you are not there. He seems spineless and that would be a real big issue for me.

Your kids are 14 & 16, would you be comfortable with asking them if they would like to attend? Perhaps give them an option?

Lollybobs's picture

They did have the option. DD wants to go, DS doesn't but he's too silly to be left on his own so he's got to come.

Ispofacto's picture

Please drive separately, so you can escape at any time you need.  It will help mitigate your anxiety.

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Make sure you have your own car. Warn DH in advance that if he ignores you, or if BM comes after you or your kids, that you will immediately leave.

Dress in something that makes you feel fabulous and that you are comfortable in. Do your hair and makeup and wear cool shoes! Plan on doing a lot of smiling and nodding. If it turns out to be horrible, I wouldn't stay very long.

Lollybobs's picture

We'll share a car but I'm driving. And it will be parked in a ready-to-escape getaway position Smile

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I third the suggestion to drive separately and look fantastic from head to toe. Also, consider attending the wedding but not the reception. Given the stupidly long gap between the two, other people may decide to skip it as well. You'll have the excuse of the long drive, school/work the next day, maybe unfinished homework as well? Let your H stay, and take care of you and your bios.

notsobad's picture

I would have a heart to heart with DH about the wedding long before the actual day; then on the day of I'd remind him of the talk earlier.

IF at any time SD or BM does anything uncivil or terribly rude to you or to your children, I'd leave. DH can stay or he can leave with you, that will be entirely up to him. Just make sure he knows your boundaries before you go and IF anything happens you can look at him and say "The children and I are leaving now."