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Co Worker trying to convince me to be a 3rd parent

LochnessStepMonster's picture

My co worker is trying to convince me that SD has 3 parents.

Co: well how is SD supposed to feel when she sees that you get all this stuff for DD but you don't get anything for her?

Me: like she has two parents that can provide what she needs for her and I'm not either of said parents.

I said that just because i don't buy extras doesnt mean SD isn't provided for (not that that is my responsibility). My addition to her life will always be felt just in the way her father can now do for her.

She has a place to visit and a stable place to lay her head. ✔

Food when she gets here. Thats part me.

She feels like she can even request to go to red lobster. I love my DH but he doesn't have random Red Lobster money for 3.5 people. But SD is comfortable enough to ask that because of the joint money DH and I have.

I told my co worker that i could never buy SD anything my whole life and almost anything her dad gives to her is because I helped to make it happen. So maybe I don't get her a Christmas gift. Hell, I don't even have to get her a birthday gift but she will remember how she spent the summers with us once her father and I married. She will remember her flower garden she and I planted. The books we read together, the foreign tv shows we watch, the makeup she watches me apply, the perfumes and lotions of mine she likes to play in and I act like i don't notice when we both know i see it. She'll remember the things shes confides in me that i almost always tell her dad and the 1 or 2 small things that maybe neither of her parents are fans of but they are just our secret. So yeah, maybe i don't spend money on her but that's not my job. (And in reality i do buy her gifts i just don't see it as my responsibility).

Co: that's playing favorites.

Me: my baby is my favorite. Duh? I can't recreate motherhood for a child that has an active mom..... And no one would really want me to.

Comments

LochnessStepMonster's picture

Agreeeeeeeeed. What makes it so weird with her is that she is a full time SM so i saidbher experience would be different from mine. But nope, it ALL is the same in her eyes.

LochnessStepMonster's picture

She and her DH had their own bio kids separately then got married and had ours twins. She's been doing this for 15 years at least. She said they had growing pains but it was all worth it because they respect her now.

SD respects me now as well. I guarantee it didn't take as long for it to happen.

LochnessStepMonster's picture

She and her DH had their own bio kids separately then got married and had ours twins. She's been doing this for 15 years at least. She said they had growing pains but it was all worth it because they respect her now.

SD respects me now as well. I guarantee it didn't take as long for it to happen.

LochnessStepMonster's picture

Thats what happened. I think she was a little taken with me because i didn't back down on how i felt about it.

Goodluck's picture

Coworker the day my stepchild's mother supplies things for MY child is when I will do the same. I will take my queue from the BM. You know comsi comsa.

In the mean time whether or not BM and DAD play favorites with their child is hard to tell but I will ask them. Since they are the parents and all so I am really sure what they realllly do.

By the way CO-worker, where did you read that step parents must be a third parent. It's apparent that courtrooms across the globe to not agree.

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LochnessStepMonster's picture

I actually said the same about BM doesn't do anything for my kid.

Co worker said thats because my kid doesn't go over there to BM. Co worker is clearly drunk on the kool aid

LochnessStepMonster's picture

Riiiiiiight? I slightly felt bad for saying it then got over it. I'm not going to love my child less so i can do more for someone else's.

I can love them both. I'm just not there yet.

LochnessStepMonster's picture

The COD thing came up as well. I asked her what part of reality is it where i can put her parents back together without MY kid then being the COD?

I really said to my co worker that SD's reality is her reality and she has to live it. She can live her life thinking her parents owe having a relationship with each other to her or she can get over it but those are the only 2 options. If the same thing happened to my child i wouldn't want her living in a fantasy and being disillusioned about her life.

sunshinex's picture

I always wanted to love my stepdaughter the same as any bios we might have together. I've been full-time since she was 2 (she's now 5) and I've been her primary mother as her BM isn't involved at all... so I always told myself I would love equally.

Now that i'm halfway through pregnancy, I know it's simply not possible. The bond you gain carrying a baby is so immense, and I know it's only going to be greater after giving birth/raising from day one.

Anyone who expects a stepparent, especially a woman, to have the same bond/relationship with bios and steps, is crazy! It's not possible. Even if you want it to be possible, it's not.

LochnessStepMonster's picture

True. And congrats on the baby!!!! Before i had a bio i really thought it could be rainbows and butterflies but its different and it teaches you about your capacity for love and how you give it to others.

I want the love to grow and develop but it's just not the instant love i have for my bio.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I like how you point out that being with her father helps him provide.

By being together me and SO have a bigger apartment that is cheaper for both of us when we split the bills. Before this place he lived in a 1 bedroom and the kids slept on a futon. Now they have their own room and in the future we hope to move into bigger.

That's just one example. Cohabitation helps everyone. Marriage makes for more stability and the benefits spread around.

LochnessStepMonster's picture

Yes, and it amazes me that another bill paying person doesn't see that. Everyone benefits when there are more hands. That's why i try to never diminish my husband's role. I won't wither away and die if something happened to DH today but it would be hard.

DH might wither a little but he would figure it out of something happened to me.

somethingwicked's picture

Tell her to get stuffed .

She obviously is that kind of SM who still believes that BUYING crap for skid will automatically make them LOVE her.
Not.

You stay on the track that works and IS working for you ,your DH and family.
I agree with your stance.

If Step kid realizes that you are the engine behind the financial solvability of your DH then that's the game.
At least one part of it . Respectful boundaries and understanding how a couple make a partnership work is important for all children.

And you also are not trying to impress upon your SD that you want to be her bonus Mommy or any other craziness.
I bet your SD gets that.

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