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Advise needed

lmartinez011's picture

I have been married for 25 yrs to a man who had 2 small sons. 1 was an infant. We have one sone together. Was an excellent stepmom treated all the same. Never laid one hand on them. Stepsons BM hates me never got over the fact the man chose me not her. She never moved on never remarried or even dated.  She texts my DH all kinds of crap.  I handled her. Not the point. My oldest SS is going to be 29 and has his own small home he shares with his babies mom (we will call her Jane). 5 yr boy is autistic and a1 yr old daughter. We will call him SS. SS has been sleeping around for yrs with the same woman and Jane is aware.   I was close to Jane but not so much due to the fact she would ask my advice and when I spoke my opinion she did not like.  Whatever I have moved on and decided whatever happens in their relationship is their business. I haven't seen my step-grandchildren in 6 months.  The biological grandmother (husbands ex) has both children every other weekend for the entire weekend.

SS has gotten into so much trouble with the police and to date has had 2 cars seized by police.  Lawyers fees out the roof.  Lost his license they only have Jane's car who my husband who runs an automotive shop repairs for them. Again all of their business.  SS rarely comes to visit us.  I never see Jane anymore.  Sure we text to wish happy birthday's to each other. Nothing more.

SS came to the house Saturday night and I found out from my younger son that apparently when SS was over the other I may have said something to make SS slightly uncomfortable while hanging with 3 sons and dad and I.  I have no idea what it was and no one seems to recall. My DH says the conversation quickly switched  My younger son said SS and Jane do not want us at their house because there is no living room furniture and hasn't for some time.  They don't want to be judged and I can be too judgemental.  Ok yes I admit maybe 1 year ago but since then minded my own business.

My son has been hanging with his brother and I don't even ask him questions about SS it is between his brother and him.  What disturbed me is they have no furniture.  I have some extra couch/loveseat I would like to give them but don't know how to go about it without insulting them???  

I guess what blows my mind is why my DH and SS's mother do not jump in to help this guy out.  Why should the grandchildren have no place to sit while watching TV????

I would never let that happen my son let alone my stepson.  Is it me or something wrong with this pic??? Please note:  this family is nothing like how I was brought up. Rather than discuss as adults everyone sweeps everything under the rug. Everyone is afraid of offending each other.



beebeel's picture

Why should his parents "jump in" to help him out? He is almost 30 years old. Maybe if he wasn't a drunk driving moron, he'd have funds for furniture. I would be far more worried about how having a drunk, cheating father would affect those kids than where they sit to watch TV. 

Stay out of it. Don't enable this man baby with free furniture. If he were your son, you would be more concerned over what a garbage person he turned out to be rather than his living room furnishings.

lmartinez011's picture

Thank you soooooo much!  You are correct if he was my son then things would be very different.  As far as the grandchildren should I feel if I see them I see them if not then I don't?

beebeel's picture

Yes. It's probably best if you don't become overly attached. Hopefully "Jane" will wise up and leave your SS, but that may mean you will rarely see them.

lmartinez011's picture

I never see them now as it is.  Let's talk about holidays.  I have always spend my OWN working money since these kids were little to adulthood.  Now gandchildren.  Am I to buy gifts for people I rarely see?


twoviewpoints's picture

I'd let it go after mentioning to your DH that you two have some extra furniture that SS is welcome to if SS is interested.

Sounds like no matter what you do, your kindness will be rejected or taken in the wrong way.


keepitsimplestupid's picture

really are so familiar to me.  My DH's family is like this: " this family is nothing like how I was brought up. Rather than discuss as adults everyone sweeps everything under the rug. Everyone is afraid of offending each other."

I come from a free-speaking Italian family, and if there's something on our minds, we speak to each other, help each other, even if offense might be taken.  If your own family can't be honest with you, who can/will?  And there are ways to be honest without being offensive.  My DH's family doesn't seem to understand that either.  Drives me nuts.

Anyway, could it be that your SS feels that he's too good for hand-down furniture?  Is he too proud to take a furniture item from anyone, or just you?  Does he dislike you so much that he'd rather his kids sit on the floor than a couch?  There are lots of possibilities as to the "why".

My SD moved on her own at age 28.  She had nothing; no furniture, housewares, cleaning items, nothing.  We offered several things to get her up and running.  Most she kept, but she refused some items, too.  She didn't want used anything.  She kept the cleaning items, food items, new stuff.  Anything used (and I sent gently used items), she refused and sent back.  Hey, no skin off my nose.  She can go without.  Her brother offered a recliner so she could have a place to sit.  Nope, she didn't want a used chair.  We offered her a free dining table and chairs that my father had just sitting in his basement.  Nope, she didn't like the style.  LOL!  Whatever, so she went without furniture for a few weeks until she used her credit card to buy new, cheap, MDF-style items.  Again, not my problem.

There are lots of reasons people refuse things, but when it's because they simply feel that a free *anything* is just beneath them, it really chaps my ass. 

lmartinez011's picture

I am Italian as well.  Drive me nuts too,  I speak my mind with my son.  My SS did make the comment to me the other day that I was alway REAL with them growing up. No its not that he doesn't want hand me downs.  I heard they did not have bedroom furntiure and the BM gave them a bed.  I just think no one wants me to contact him asking if he wants the couch for fear he gets butt hurt.  Shake my head!

justmakingthebest's picture

Maybe let on like you don't even know what is going on?

"Hey SS, I am looking to get rid of some furniture, I have a couch and loveseat. Do you know anyone that could use it?"

I don't blame you. My niece made some really stupid choices and had 2 babies before she was 21. I helped the kiddos, not her. I see this as one of those things too.