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Ex wife issues and Boyfriend won’t do anything!

Lizzy77's picture

Bf and I have been together 6mths. He has 4 kids with ex wife. Before I came in the picture him and ex wife were still doing things together with the kids and still having sex. The first month we were together she was still goin to his house and just making herself at home and they were still doing family things together. It took him almost 2 months to tell her that he had a gf and what my name was bc his past girlfriends she would stalk and even slashed the tires of one of them.

They never had a set schedule with the kids. He is the primary caregiver and pays for everything. Since we have been together we never know if he is gonna have kids or not. She will plan to take them and then won’t. Or she is suppose to have them for a set amount of days and then the kids want to go back to bf earlier so they go back. I can’t count how many times we have made plans when he isn’t suppose to have kids and they get cancelled bc either the ex wants him to take them back early, she doesn’t take them when she says she will or the kids want to go back to him early.

This woman has messaged me telling me that she slept with my boyfriend while I was out of town. My bf ademently denies it and I don’t think he did. However 3 days later the ex is moving to a new place and she needs to get the kids a bed and she gets my boyfriend to go pick it up and move it for her. I threw a fit and said she just tried to break us up and now your helping her. My boyfriends response is that it wasn’t for her but for his kids. She text him a few weeks ago calling me the C word along with a whore because she wanted my boyfriend to take the kids back early and he said no. (He ended up taking them back early anyway)Little things like this happen all the time and he says the same thing. When he has the kids when isn’t suppose to and cancels on me he always says “so what if I want to see my kids more” yesterday she went to his house telling him he needed to take the kids back early or loan her money because she couldn’t afford to feed them because she hasn’t gotten unemployment yet bc of Covid19.

I am at my wits end though. He is a great guy who treats me well otherwise for how he lets his ex treat me and always changing our plans to accommodate her. I go to his house and I do all the things a wife would do, cook, clean, help with sick kids, help with homework and school projects etc. He use to put more effort in seeing me even if he has kids but now it’s me putting in the effort to see him. His life his chaos bc he runs his own construction company and he is trying to raise 4 kids.

My question is.... am I being unreasonable by wanting him to stand up to his ex wife and defend me, stop letting her manipulate him to help her out and to stick to a dang schedule so that we can make plans??!!!



bananaseedo's picture

OMG what is it w/these sound like another poster 'Dump and Run" Smile  

This is a ridiculous stupid relationship.   End it, move on.  Plenty of other amazing men out there w/out being still enmeshed and knocking boots w/his ex.  

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

No guy no matter how wonderful is worth that amount of drama. If he hasn't established limits with his ex yet, you have to ask yourself why. When a relationship is over its over, neither of them have seemed to move on, and the fact they still had a sexual relationship says a lot.

ndc's picture

This man is not ready to be in a relationship with you. Even if he was - four kids?  Get out now while the getting is good. 

Disneyfan's picture

The BM is giving you hell because you stepped into their relationship.  Their family dynamic may not be a traditional one(the whole family living under one roof), but it is still a family because they conduct themselves as one.  The only problem is your BF has a nasty habit of dragging different women into their relationship. 

Since your BF is the primary parent, mom is free to decide if she will exercise her visitation and for how long.  He can not withhold the kids from her.  And he can not force her to pick them up or keep them during her scheduled time.  Her dropping them off whenever she wants is perfectly fine in this situation. 

He isn't going to defend you, stand up for you... because he knows that when he is done messing around with you, he's going to go right back to his baby momma.

Honestly,  you and mom need to walk away from this jerk.

Kona_California's picture

A lot of the time I'm able to see areas that could be worked on with these relationships... But I see nothing good here. This guy is NOT wonderful. He has no boundaries, is disrespectful, allows toxicity in his life and does nothing to protect you from it, is not making you a priority, and certainly not listening when you tell him your concerns. They're also not over each other. Even if he's not still hooking up with her. This will be your life forever. If any changes happen it will be slight and you will still be angry most of the time.

If he valued being in a relationship with you the way you should be valued, he would enforce a schedule no matter what threats she gives. He would not spend time messaging her AT ALL. He would get a court order in place so he doesn't have to communicate with her since she's toxic. He shouldn't make excuses to "help" her when she's a grown ass woman and can do things herself. Or she can get her own damn friends to help.

The fact that they still slept together and played house long after their divorce is a MAJOR red flag. Their lines are blurred. The ex calling you those names and contacting you like that is verging harassment and he won't do anything. Whatever "wonderful" - ness you feel toward this guy will fade quickly. What is left after those honeymoon-ish emotions are gone? Him expecting you to take care of his kids? Him behaving however he wants with his ex without caring what you think? That is not sustainable. Please do yourself a favor while it's still early and exit the relationship.

Chi123's picture

Please run away fast. This will not work. You're only a gf no need for you to be doing housework etc for him and his kids. The ex will ALWAYS be in the picture.  Do you want to continue having plans cancelled cause of the kids? If it isn't one kid, it will be the other one. He also has 4 kids. If it ever came to having one of your own with him will he even want another child? If you guys did have one, will you be ready to feel alone during that pregnancy since he's gone thru it 4 times already? Then add on all the drama that will come with the skids. Please just save yourself the drama and endless arguments and leave now

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Your life is too precious to spend time on this. He would have changed this already if he wanted to

Monkeysee's picture

4 kids, no CO, BP’s were sleeping together (doubtful that’s changed), lets his ex treat you like shit. Plus, she’s crazy... slashed a GF’s tires??? Hmmmm... yeah he isn’t a ‘great guy’, he’s dead weight & dragging you down with him. DTMF.

lieutenant_dad's picture

OP, I've been on this site for almost 5 years now. Rarely - and I do mean rarely - does everyone agree to run. There is almost always a holdout who thinks the relationship can be saved.

You made mistake #1 in the Stepparenting Playbook and that's to act like a spouse when no engagement has taken place. At 6 months, you shouldn't even know that he HAS issues with his ex. You should still be blissfully unaware because he has sheilded you from it. But you're in the thick of it, and instead of bouncing, you're doubling-down on a commitment that hasn't even been proposed to you yet.

You've put the cart about a mile ahead of the horse. None of this is "wonderful". All of this is BS.

No, this IS NOT how steplife CAN and SHOULD be. This is dysfunction. This is how resentment grows. This is how people get stuck in multi-year relationships where they are miserable.

Right now is when he should be impressing and wooing you. He should be convincing you that you want to choose him. Instead, he's figured out how to get you to do the hard work in his life while getting to dictate how your household will run because he's the one with kids.

NO. Never ever ever does a bioparent get to dictate how your mutual life will run just because they have kids. You're a team, you just have different roles and responsibilities on that team. Him having kids doesn't make him the captain or coach. It just means he's outfield and you're on first base.

So RUN. Find a dude who doesn't have kids. Or, if he does, make sure his house is in order first - custody agreement, ex who doesn't randomly drop by the house, a babysitter that he'll pay for when you go out on dates. And don't be so eager to become the wife without the commitment - which means act like a wife when you actually ARE a wife, not just a GF or fiance.

Winterglow's picture

OP - where is your self respect, your self esteem? Have you always settle for scraps? If so, why? If not, don't you see that's what you're doing here? And why are you being a maid, cook and general skivvy for this guy? Why are you so desperate for attention?

justmakingthebest's picture

Is this one for real? Sometimes I swear these have to be fake posts.

OP- if you are for real. Dump this man. He is still sleeping with his ex. There is no man worth this amount of drama. Don't say "But I looovveee him" because that just makes you sound pathetic that you would allow this to become your life. 

Lizzy77's picture

this was a real post and trust me I am usually the one who walks away very quickly from relationships when I see red flags. I am not sure what it was about this guy that made me do the complete opposite. I do feel like a fool. But thank you to all of you for opening my eyes. I really hadn’t spoke about the situation to anyone because I was embarrassed. But I did end it last night and feel 100% better!

justmakingthebest's picture

You will come out of this experience a stronger person!

Good luck in life!! 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

GOod. For. You.

Ending things is hard. But honeslty when I was reading your blog this morning I was upset FOR you!

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Good for you!  Things were only going to get worse here.  You deserve more!

Iamwoman's picture

Congratulations Lizzy!

Just keep one thing in mind as you move on: if you stay with the wrong man, you will never find the right one.

When you find the right one, you WILL have zero doubt in your mind!

One more thing: since when does acting like a wife mean cooking, cleaning, and caring for someone else's children?

I've been a happily married wife to my best friend, for nearly 8 years now. I cook what I want, when I want, ONLY because cooking is actually an enjoyable hobby for me. Everyone in my home is responsible for cleaning (if being a wife means you become a maid, who the heck would ever WANT to be a wife?). Caring for kids? I care for DD, and DH cares for OSS and YSS. Being a wife doesn't mean you care for kids. Being a MOTHER means you care for YOUR kids.

I hope this helps you as you continue your journey in life.

Thumper's picture

You poor girl. He is NOT that great. 


A great guy would have protected you. 

Block her phone number now. She sounds a little touched in her head. 

Hmmm her stalking your boyfriends ex girlfriends sounds all too familiar to me. I know of  a bm just like that. Some women do that...weirdos to the max. 

qtpie013178's picture

Oh God! get the heck out of there. It will hurt for a while, but you will heal and move on. This man is completely enmeshed with his ex, and she will not let him go without a massive fight. However, if they were still sleeping together, they're not done. Your bf won't set decent boundaries, either. You will end up stressed and probably hating him. This relationship is like a bad investment, cut your losses and move on.