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Childhood Friend of SS15 Killed in Car Accident

LizGrace65's picture

My SO found out today that a friend of SS's was killed in a crash over the holiday weekend. SS lived with us full time until 2 weeks ago. He didn't have many friends come around. This friend was very close with SS when I was first with my SO, and is the only one who SS ever had "sleepovers" with. They grew apart and had different friends more recently, so I haven't really seen this young man in quite some time, but we would still occasionally hear how he was doing. He had just gotten his first job, and was very good at soccer. All the young guys were jealous of his natural 6pack, that kind of thing.

This is really tragic because there were four boys in the car - the 18 year old driver, and three younger boys. The driver was killed instantly. SS's friend lingered from early Monday morning until last night, never regaining consciousness. So two of the four young men in the car have died. The two other boys are still in the hospital, one in serious condition and the other expected to be ok.

There is no official word on the cause of the accident. But it was between 12 and 1 AM, there were no other cars involved, and the boys' car lost control and hit a tree. People say the road they were on is curvy and can be dangerous. The speed limit is 25 - but there is a bump there that the kids like to hit at higher speeds because it sends the car airborne momentarily. And somebody who lives near there and saw the scene said there were beer cans scattered there after the accident.

Of course I didn't see that myself, I wasn't there, and I don't want to judge. But I've been raising SS, and he's about that age, and in that peer group. I think it's really, really likely that the boys were messing around having a good time on the 4th of July, and were either speeding, drinking, or both. And it cost them the ultimate price. That is a tragedy.

If those were in fact the circumstances, it is a very lucky thing that they didn't hurt anyone else.

It is so, so sad. Most of us make smaller mistakes with smaller consequences, learn as we go, and avoid anything as terrible as this. So many of us don't realize that a car can be deadly, and don't drive with the caution that we ought to. Even as allegedly sober and serious adults we do that, and we know we shouldn't. If the accident was in fact his fault, that's really probably all this young man was guilty of. Something many of us have done and gotten away with. But this time, for these kids, it had horrible consequences.

SO just came home from work and went to see the parents at their house. He knew them from before we were together. I didn't go with him because I really didn't know them and don't want to intrude. We'll go to the wake together.

SO and SS are not speaking at this point. Not because of the accident, of course - because of the way SS stormed out of here and went with his mother for the second time, 2 weeks ago. It's a long story, but basically he went with her even though she can't provide for him really at all (I'm not exaggerating, she lives below the poverty level), because he simply doesn't want to obey the few rules we have here - primarily "do your best in school." I don't really want to get into it deeply because that issue isn't the point. The point is that SO and SS are not speaking, and SO is furious with BM for not telling SS to stay where he was and deal with it - after all, that's what SO and BM agreed that BM would do, after the first time SS pulled this stunt, BM took him for 4 weeks, and BM couldn't handle him and begged SO to take him back.

It was BM who heard about the accident and texted SO. SO told BM that this is what happens when you allow kids to go out and do as they please (maybe not everywhere, but in our neighborhood). With us, SS spent most of his time with SO or with both of us, practicing and competing in sports. With BM, he's not doing that anymore. Not only can BM not afford to support his sport, she also doesn't approve of it, and has never even seen him compete. And SS, who swore to me while we were alone that he'd never give up his sport because it was the one thing he was the best at (I was the closest parent to him of the three of us for quite some time), would rather give up that sport than behave responsibly regarding his schoolwork, do the very few chores we give him, and communicate respectfully with us. Because those are all the rules we have.

Anyway, I'm kind of rambling. The point is, SO was trying to teach SS responsibility. SS balked, like many teens do. He used BM as his escape hatch. The first time, BM didn't realize what she was dealing with. But after calling begging to have SS picked up because he's out of control, she agreed SS needed the firm hand that SO provides. That lasted a whole 7 weeks until SS bailed again, and BM took him again. That was only two weeks ago.

So SO's feeling is that SS is headed down the same path that just got his friend killed, and that BM is helping him do it. I pretty much agree. We come from a poor area and most people around here don't look forward to much of a future. So drinking, cruising around, drugs, and teenage sex are rampant. We tried to help SS to aim higher than that - but to do so, you have to have self discipline. He doesn't want to have that. And BM is letting him take the low road. Probably because then she doesn't have to deal with the idea that he's left her behind there and found something better with us.

In any case, SO chewed out BM telling her that if anything like this happens to SS, it's on her.

I really hope I don't run into BM (psycho) or SS (not speaking to him either at this point) at the wake or the funeral. I was dealing well with SS taking off again. But it's all getting to be kind of a lot.

I feel so awful for SS's friend's parents. He was a sweet, happy kid when I knew him and I heard good things about him recently. And now it's all over. He'll never have a wife and family, bring his kids home to his parents. He'll never even go to the prom or graduate high school. What an incredible waste.

Sorry for the rambling - thanks for listening.



Synaesthete's picture

What terrible news. Sad I'm so sorry to hear and my thoughts and prayers are with the boys' family and friends.

I can definitely see your concern, too. I wish I had some advice, but all I can do is sympathize. Sad Let's hope the wake goes as peacefully as possible and hope this tragedy will open some eyes.

lifeisshort's picture

That is so very sad. I can only imagine the pain their family is in. My sympathies to them.

Lilly's picture

Im so sorry to hear this story, it is truly heartbreaking.

Kids around the country, no matter what their family income , are drinking and driving. It just sad all over

You mentioned that you and your SO were not speaking to SS. I personally think your SS needs you and SO now, more then ever. To ignore him at the wake or funeral, would be a mistake. You said he is only 15, he still has a lot of growing up to do and he should know that his father and you are their for him. Especially at this time.

Im sure the mother of this child, that was killed, would do anything to have her son alive. I think this is a time to forgive SS and show him the love you have for him.

My deepest sympathy, to the families.

LizGrace65's picture

SO came back from seeing the family. He found BM's uncles over there. Back when BM and SO were together, they all lived on the same block. So they all gathered around the boy's family now.

SO gets along well with BM's uncles - they don't get along with BM. So there was no trouble there. SO and BM's uncles actually had a talk about SS. BM's uncles agree with SO - BM can't provide for SS or discipline him, and she should have told SS to stay with SO.

Actually, BMs uncles pretty much think BM was an idiot for walking out on SO and SS in the first place. Which is true. But that's another story.

BM and SS were not there. All of the other kids that age who made up the little neighborhood group back in the day were over there, but SS didn't show. This was his best friend. Their other best friends and SS's cousins were there, but SS didn't go.

SO called BM and told her that SS really should go and pay his respects with the rest of the group. BM got all pissy with SO and said she didn't see why he should, since the driver of the car died too, and SS knew him too, and wasn't going there. OK, except that the driver of the car was 3 years older than SS, and SS didn't meet him until recently, and certainly wasn't one of his best friends throughout childhood.

BM is an ogre.

She took SS over there. They stayed 5 minutes and left. We only know that because she texted to get the address from SO, then texted back less than 20 minutes later that they already went. They don't have a car, so they either walked or took a taxi, which took time. So they weren't there long.

SO and I had dinner. SO went back over to see the family. He wants to let the family know that just because he moved out of the old neighborhood and hasn't been close with them recently, doesn't mean he isn't there for them now. I agree with him. I wish I was part of that group, but since I really never knew the family except in passing (dropping off and picking up the kids), it wouldn't be right for me to intrude now. I'm glad SO is showing support for them.

As for SS, I don't even know who he is anymore. SO and I have done everything we can. We have nothing left to give him, except the freedom to learn the hard way. We've tried everything else. So if and when he comes back with a different attitude, I might listen to what he has to say. I seriously doubt SO will at this point. But SS made it very clear that he wants to handle his life and his business himself. There was no way to know he'd get such a sobering dose of reality so quickly. But that's life. And now he needs to deal with it however he can.

So far, with him not even showing up at the house, I'm not encouraged by what I see.

The thing is, I can be among the most giving people in the world, until you screw me one too many times. It takes a long time to reach that line. Unfortunately, SS has reached it. It's too bad all around, but I fought it as hard as I could. It was his choice to continue down that road no matter how hard I tried to get him to choose another path. And these are the consequences.


AnneElizabeth's picture

Liz, I'm so sorry to hear about death. I so wish that SS would get a grip and realize what he is doing is harming everyone, but mostly himself. I pray that nothing like this ever happens to him. He should have gone to the memorial without a doubt. I cannot believe that BM made such an issue about it. *shakes head*