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Space Problem: New Baby

LizaB's picture

Hi Everyone

I am a long time lurker and have have managed to navigate my step situation by reading posts. Now I have a situation and I can't find any blogs which are similar. So I have come out of hiding to ask for your help and wisdom. Thank you in advance if you comment.

I have been married to my DH for 4 years and have been in the lives of his sons for 5. They are 11 and 9. DH has full custody of the kids and they visit their biomom every second weekend plus every Thursday. She lost custody of the boys when they divorced due to drugs but has since managed to clean up her life. Biomom is remarried and has two additional children. She is tolerable when on a leash.

The boys are reasonably good kids and we have few issues with them.

The problem now is my DH. I am pregnant with our first child together (my first) and we are having arguments over space. We live in a three bedroom house which is mine. DH and his kids moved into my home. DH and I have the master bedroom and the boys each have a room.

With the baby on the way, DH wants us to get a bigger house so all the kids can have a room. Problem is HE can't afford it. It will mean I have to fork out additional money for a bigger house and the new baby.

I told him the boys can double up. The one bedroom is big enough for them to share and the second bedroom can be a nursery for the new baby. DH is against this. Where exactly must I put this child?

BM has also hit the roof because her precious boys need to share a room. She said no. (Not that she had a say in my home, but it is causing DH to dig his heels in and push for a bigger house.) Now she lives in a two bedroom with a basement - her two latest kids share and when the boys are with her they sleep in the converted basement.

These boys have their own room in my house because I did not have a kid. Now my baby is apparently disrupting everyone's lives because my two stepsons need to share?

Is this unfair? Expecting the boys to double up? It's my house- why should my (on the way) kid be treated like a second class citizen? DH can't afford a bigger house and I am not paying to get one so his precious little CODs aren't inconvenienced. He says he is right because his boys are used to the current set up- we need to move.

What to do here?


notarelative's picture

If all three kids were yours and his, he most likely would have no problem with the oldest two sharing. When a family adds child number three, room rearrangements happen.

A friend had a three year old girl and added twins, one boy, one girl. Oldest girl moved from the bigger bedroom to the smaller one so they could fit two cribs in one room. In a couple of years when the twins move from cribs to beds, the girls will be in the larger room, and the boy in the smaller. They didn't, and aren't, buying a bigger home. They rearranged.

DH needs to man up and tell BM the kids can share. It is not reasonable to move, to a bigger home, if you cannot afford it. Finances trump wants.

LizaB's picture

She doesn't pay a dime for the boys. It's all on DH or me.
I provide good care for the boys but I will not allow him to dictate what happens with MY baby when so clearly he has already decided to side with the "skids". I never made an issue of YOUR children.
I have treated the boys as my own as for a long time I was the only "mother" they knew with his ex-wife strung out on drugs. They were small kids but I helped them remember and respect their mom!

Now my kid is a problem... I am just horrified at how this is going.

notasm3's picture

Time to pull rank. It's YOUR house. I don't advocate this often, but when someone is being a total ass you have to do what you have to do.

Last In Line's picture

Take BM to court, she should be supporting her children.

When you decided to create a baby, what planning went into the room arrangements? Or was there no planning?
This is a baby you and your DH made, so it makes sense that you should at the least share in the extra expenses needed for this child.

I think you may create resentment between the skids and the new baby if you take away their individual rooms, make them share, and give the baby it's own room. Put the baby in your room for a year, save your money, and then move or add on.

LizaB's picture

It may create resentment in the kids. Do you think I do not resent that my baby is seen as an obstacle to the happiness of the kids?

I do not want the baby in my bedroom - it not going to happen.

If DH and his kids are so unhappy about doubling up, well then, there is the door.
(I know it's a horrible way to feel, but it seems as if having my own child is an inconvenience to their cushy lives. I resent that!)

Last In Line's picture

Those children were already there, and she made the choice to exacerbate the financial issues by adding another child. BM needs to be taken to court for support. SM needs a reality check.

Last In Line's picture

Yep. And it was when the skids moved in. She made the choice then to support them in whatever way she does. To withdraw that support because she made a choice to have a baby isn't fair to any of the other parties in the relationship. It's part of the commitment she made to her family unit.

JMO, which obviously isn't popular. Not that I care.

notasm3's picture

If she divorces her DH I guess you think she should give HER house to her DH and his 2 crotch droppings. And pay CS for her two skids. Anything else would be "unfair".

LizaB's picture

Last In Line, I can afford all three children. Fact is that the only child in this equation that's mine is the one on the way.
My financials are fine. It's my house. All three rooms.
Why should I cater to what the skids want? Their own mother can't provide individuals rooms but I am required to do so? Why?

Why the opposition to the skids sharing? I am not fighting you on this. I really would like to understand why this is pushed so strongly - because it's the same view my DH has- and I can see no rational argument for why the boys can't share.
You and DH share this view.

If DH could afford a bigger house, then I am all for it. He can't and I WONT sell up and buy a bigger house. I don't see why I should take on debt to support his kids any further- I have a responsibility to my own child too.

Last In Line's picture

Have you missed the part where I said take BM to court? Get child support. Save that money up. Use it to add on or buy another house. It's a BABY. It doesn't need it's own room immediately.

The debt you are talking about taking on wouldn't be needed if you had kept the situation as it was, instead you chose to add another human.

As far as the separate rooms go, yes, I am big into that. I am an introvert and value privacy quite highly. I think having a sanctuary is important. As far as BMs house goes, they aren't there much. You have them full-time. They need more space in your household.

LizaB's picture

It's DHs job to sue for CS. I have no standing in claiming money for his kids from his ex wife.

The debt wouldn't be needed if I kept the situation as is? What? Raise two kids of someone else and not have my own child? Please excuse my French, but I have read some fucked up things but and takes the cake. My money needs to go on someone else's kids? Since when do I owe my step children more than my own kid?
Since when does a child of my own become secondary to someone else's kids? I haven't withdrawn one cent of financial aid to DHs kids- only that due to our changing circumstances the kids double up.

I chose to add another human. Yes, I want my own child. One I can actually afford. Maybe you are right. Maybe I should withdraw aid to these kids and have their father sue their mother for money to support them. Maybe the bank of SM should close if the attitude is that they come first and my kid is the dog's breakfast.

I know I must sound like a crazy GUBM, but I actually owe these skids nothing, it's never been an issue for me to treat them fairly. When I am asking for give here, because of the baby, it's no?

I am not venting at you, Last In Line. I am venting because this is exactly the same responses I am getting from people around me. It seems the mistake I made was to have a child of my own: a child I can actually afford and house. Except I am beaten up over what happens to my poor step children and how unfair this new baby is to their family.
Guess my mistake was actually marrying s man with kids.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

The only mistake you have made is listening to other people who haven't been in your situation. If these were all your bio children it would be a no brainier that they need to bunk up. Besides, my kids love sharing a room. Double the toys in the same space. And someone to be with them at night.

JustAgirl42's picture

^Exactly. Many families, including mine when growing up, ended up bunking two kids in one room when another came along. It didn't kill them.

I think your DH is afraid of upsetting his boys, oh well.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I find myself having to jump in here.

So....she should not be entitled to have her own baby if she can't give her step kids their own room?????? She should first and foremost, support the kids she did not make. Since BM is a loser and her DH can't afford a bigger home, then the SM is responsible for giving the SKs their own room at all times and if she can't, then she really should of not had her own child. I have heard everything. SMs are always last!!!!! Good grief.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

How is she not still supporting them? Sharing a room cuts off your kids' financial support? Someone call dhs because apparently I'm not supporting my bio kids either.

Disneyfan's picture

Exacerbate the situation???? IT'S HER HOUSE!!!

Lorder knows, I tend to be proBM around here. But even I can't see how the OP is at fault here.

When did it become a bad thing for a parent to want his/her kid to have their own room in the home they purchased?

How can the person who doesn't have a dime in the dollar dictate how someone else spends their money???

Ensuring that her child has a college fund,vacationing with her child... may be important to the OP. Purchasing a larger, more expensive home may mean she isn't able to do those things.

Last In Line's picture

That resentment will last a long time. Longer than a year of saving up to be able to give everyone their own room. I realize my opinion is the minority, but the bedroom situation existed prior to the baby, and should have been considered prior to creating a baby. Your choice on how you want to live. Remember that "your baby" belongs to your DH too, so if you choose to send him and the boys on their merry way, you'll be losing some baby time also.

notasm3's picture

Please answer me this - why should she give a shit if the two skid crotch droppings resent that she does not place them on a pedestal.

Disneyfan's picture


She already did the whole, save/sacrifice thing when she purchased HER HOME.

She should not be expected to that again simply because her husband have caviar taste and tuna money and BM isn't paying CS.

twoviewpoints's picture

I don't see why the room sharing topic is up for discussion. Your house. What does DH expect? For you to put the baby in the garage? Silly man. All his huffing and puffing will get consideration when and if he financially can support a larger home.

At nine and eleven and both being boys, they're the natural selection to share. Boys are probably better suited to share than had they been girls. Boys have less accumulated 'stuff' and aren't as territorial about space as boys. DH also ends to remember this new expected arrival is every much his child and priority as his older two. You can safely bet neither boy wants to share with a baby. Get bunk beds if needed to give more room space and perhaps let them repaint. Each boy gets 1/2 the room for their things.

If DH gets a raise in financial status to cover 3 1/2 vs your 1 1/2, then he can start looking for a bigger home.

stepinafrica's picture

Balderdash. Since when is having your own room a basic need? Since the two kids are of the same gender they should be able to share a room. Your DH is horribly ungrateful and you need to tell him how it is.

Don't get into an argument with the ex. As tempting as it is to give her a piece of your mind just don't. You do not want to go down that road. Since you are with the kids fulltime there is no need for communication. Block her number etc. She can call the house phone to talk to the kids.

stepinafrica's picture

Tell your DH if he wants a four bedroomed house he is welcome to buy one for the family. If he does buy a larger house, DON'T SELL YOURS. Rent it out. He has already shown you where his priorities are. Believe him.

simifan's picture

I'd be livid. Guilt becomes a big factor with new children. Even my DH, who is normally very level headed, got a little bizarre. Make it very clear - this is not an us/them situation but if he wants to make it adversarial - you are willing to make everything an us/them scenario. Does he really want to divide his family?

An infant needs it's own room otherwise they will wake the other children. Moving is not a financial option - he can not afford it. Ask him what he suggests - what will he give up. Redecorate the basement, the den?

Be prepared for issues when you want to take your child somewhere without the boys, as well.

As an aside, your DH needs to apply for CS - mom should be supporting her children.

moeilijk's picture

Seriously? A woman who has helped support and care for two children is now having a baby. Therefore the two children will have to share a room. This is wrong.

This is wrong because:

1. The two children need their own separate rooms in case they are introverts. And, they are entitled to their own separate rooms, because the woman had been kind enough to give them a room in the past. Like when you get free samples at the grocery store, but then they don't have any left, it's normal to steal stuff because you're entitled to free samples.

2. The dad of all three children wants each child to have his/her own room. He can't provide this for his family, and the mother of the two children can't provide this either. But that doesn't matter, he wants it and the woman must find a way to provide. She should not have any say in how her money is spent because the dad, the mom of the two kids, and the two kids will resent that.

3. Gag me.

Maxwell09's picture

The dad might WANT his children to have separate rooms BUT he cannot afford it. You don't go buying things based on wants especially if you can't afford what you already have.

frustratedinNE's picture

Are you kidding me, this is a no-brainer. Move same gender children together and baby gets a room. Tell the BM who pays nothing towards these two kids to shut the ---- up. She has no say, she should mind her own business and not stir up trouble. Funny how these stupid men forget we carry their children too, that the sun does not rise and fall in these Skids asses.

frustratedinNE's picture

Also children do not own or have proprietary rights to any rooms in a house they do not pay for. These rooms are on lease to these kids, including bio kids, so we have all rights to move kids wherever the hell we want. Next time BM complains state that at least we don't put them both in the basement, and let her know that you don't like them in the basement when they VISIT her and she will shut the ---- up.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

This is going to be one that you will have to be a little mean on. Sit your dh down and tell him that this is your first child, and you will not miss out on the excitement of setting up your child's nursery and decorating their from exactly how you want it. Stand your ground and just say the answer is no. I would get something new for the boys like cool bunk beds and bedding that they can be excited about, and make a big deal about how grown up they are and now they get to share.

But you're going to have to be firm on this. And he might huff and puff until the boys act excited about their new room situation.

Where does your husband propose to put the nursery?

WTF...REALLY's picture

Yes, the solution is to have the brothers share a room. Let them redecorate it. Split the room in half, get some grommet curtains and place them in the middle off the room. Easy to open and easy to close should they want privacy. Let the paint the room...make it fun and help them create a fun space. Also, be sure to give them the bigger of the two rooms.

I have a brother and a sister. I was the youngest. Guess who had to share a room while I was a baby. My brother and sister. Then later, I had to share a room with my sister. We are just fine.

And seriously....the BM who gives zero child support and has a two bedroom place feels she has any say in your home????? Wow wow wow!

Disneyfan's picture

Tell him you will start looking g for a bigger home as soon. As he starts bringing in bigger money AND takes BM to court for CS. Then refuse to discuss the matter any further.

z3girl's picture

Do the boys share a room in BM's basement? If they do, it wouldn't even be changing anything!

That's no big deal to make them share! You probably don't need a room for the baby for the first 6 months (If you have a room, you won't use it but if you don't have it, you'll wish you did!) but I don't understand why your DH is ridiculous over this. Tell him to save his money, and when he has it, then they can have their own rooms.

My older two boys share a room. They didn't want to at first, and now they don't like being apart. Granted, they are very young. We can afford a bigger house, but choose to stay with the 3 bedrooms until we can comfortably afford to add on or buy new without using up all our savings.

My brothers shared a bedroom until they left for college. They made it through it without any problems.

The boys don't "need" their own rooms. It may be nice, but it's not a necessity. Like others said, if they were all your bio kids, this wouldn't even be a conversation. Your DH needs to learn financial responsibility if he wants this luxury. I'm sorry, but OP doesn't OWE these kids their own rooms just because she's now having a baby.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

Just FYI, I wouldn't file for child support then get a bigger house when you get it like someone suggested. She can quit paying that at any time and you're stuck with a bigger mortgage.

Last In Line's picture

I believe I'm the only "idiot" here who has expressed a different POV from the popular one. Thanks for the title.

twoviewpoints's picture

No you're not an idiot. Your hardcore stance just seems unrealistic in this particular scenario. Expecting the OP not to have a child because she opened her self owned home to her new husband and his two sons or to now gleefully fling open her personal wallet to support someone else's demands is well, an over-the-top view of the situation. The lady didn't make the decision to have a baby on her own and she certainly didn't get pregnant by herself.

She was also under no obligation to self provide a roof over the heads to this man and his two sons. If her previously self owned house had actually ben just a two bedroom home, you can bet your buns this man wouldn't have blinked two tossing his sons together into one bedroom. Luckily for the time being that wasn't necessary. Now that the man has decided with the OP to add another child but on the same income he himself can provide, the boys sharing has become a necessity. No one is taking clothing off their backs, food outta their mouths, denying their usual childhood activities. They'll simply adjust to a growing household and snore together in one bedroom... just like thousands and thousands of other siblings do across the country.

Had the situation been entirety a different scenario situation in such that this man was not custodial. Was attempting to get his CS lowered so he could afford bringing yet another child into the world. Thus perhaps actually taking financially from the first two minor aged children already existing? Yeah, that's different. But that's not what's happened nor happening in this case.

We certainly don't have to agree, no one here is required to have a march as one opinion.

Maxwell09's picture

Ha I wouldn't worry about any of this if I were you and here's why: the baby doesn't need its own room until S/he can sleep through the night. Nurseries, however quaint, are unnecessary. My little one is 4 months and just moved into his room; it's been set up with all the nursery decor and "needs" since I was pregnant and it's just now getting use. I tell you not to worry because after the first month of no sleep, no sex and cosleeping (especially if you're breastfeeding it happens) then your DH will be begging you to put the baby in his/her own room.

Some of these comments make me feel evil just because I already bought a bunk bed for SS4's room. Since my bio and SS are both boys they will share once Bio is old enough. We have a 3 bedroom house but I want the boys to share. Before bio was born, the extra room was his toy room and I like having it as one so it'll go back to that in a couple of years.

notasm3's picture

I don't think telling her to stop arguing is idiotic. Its stupid to "argue" a point when you have 100% of the power ($ in this case). OP just use your power.

I do not have to "convince" an unwelcome visitor not to enter my home. I can start off politely telling the person no it's not a good time for me. But if they try to force their way in I can tell them to get the fuck out of my way.

Those skids are not welcome in your baby's room. now go enforce it. You do not need Mr. User's permission.

moeilijk's picture

Some posters said that this wouldn't become an actual issue until some months/years after the baby is born. I can tell you that there are as many approaches to parenting as there are fingerprints, maybe more! In my case, my baby was in her own room from night 1. She has never ever co-slept or 'roomed-in', she has slept through the night from 5 weeks and before that I was waking her up because I was a crazy-mommy and would worry if she slept more than 4 hours. (I was told to wake her up every 4 hours originally, but I could have stopped by 1 week, by the time she was regulating her own body temperature just fine.)

So maybe confronting this issue can be delayed, or maybe not.

I'm the kind of person that hates conflict but I hate feeling pushed around more. So I would probably go on the offensive after having my husband demand things from me for his children, to whom I'd always been kind and generous. I would perceive this as my husband preferring his older kids to my gestating baby, and I would be filled with rage and resentment like you wouldn't believe.

Read some of paintedhand's blogs if you can. She just had a baby, and has had to deal with her husband feeling like xyz isn't 'fair' to his other kids. The only thing that isn't 'fair' is that YOU are the mom to this kid and not to your husband's other kids. Too bad that his other kids don't have your genes and your unconditional love. But that's reality, he'd better suck it up and start getting grateful or he might be moving down the hall to bunk with his boys on his way out to the cardboard box on the side of the road.

frustratedinNE's picture

My daughter slept in her crib from night one in her nursery and this woman has the right to have a nursery for her baby. My baby slept thru the whole night consistently from one month on and her room was where she slept. Also, a seperate nursery for the baby to take her daytime naps is important.

GRITSinAL's picture

I can't even believe this is an issue for A--your skids, B--Your DH, and C--the BM. The skids are full related. They are the same gender even. Sure, they didn't previously share a room because there was this other empty room just sitting there unused. Well, now the OP is having a child, their half sibling, which is her right! This should not even be in question. The skids double up--end of story.

I'll do you one better: I have DS14 and ss11. They currently share a room (because of the way our house is laid out -- i HATE the layout of our house by the way. DH actually builds houses for a living and we are eventually going to remodel ours, but I AM NOT PAYING FOR IT! He needs to be the one to pay for the remodel...but that's another whole blog) and they aren't even blood relations. They ARE the same gender. Well, no one argues about it. My exH doesn't care. BM doesn't care. DH doesn't care. I don't really care. SS doesnt care. DS14 doesn't care.

In fact, we have a full basement already set up for one of them to inhabit. They prefer not to do so and to share instead. They tend to prefer this and feel "lonely" or "bored" bunking alone.

I feel the older my bioson (now 14) gets, that he will naturally migrate to the much cooler basement, but for now, that's the set up.

I seriously am a little mad at your DH, BM, and skids--who all 4 seem like they have a major entitlement problem!