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Don't know how much longer I can do this

littlemamaneedshelp's picture

Hello first time on this site and I guess first time writing a blog bare with me I will end up jumping around a bit. I have 2 SK SD is 12 and  SS is 11 I have been in their lives for the last 7 years. When DH and I got together SD was 5 and SS was 4 right from the get go SD didnt like me but SS loved me. SS and I were best buds it was so nice he was my little man. They didnt know their BM she left when SD was only 1.5 years old and SS was only 6 months old. DH and BM wont lie were drug addicts. DH ended up divorcing BM and winning full custody of kids which he then had to hand temporary custody to OG=other guardain not BM to serve his time in jail. DH gets out early gets off drugs but OG keeps kids until DH can get on his feet and take care of kids. Fine thats all good. DH get his crap together years later but OG wont give kids back. OG treats SD like a princess who can do no wrong while she treats SS like a dog. SD got to sleep in a nice warm bed while SS either slept on the floor or a couch. 

Fast forward 2 years, crap happened between DH and OG. OG put a no contact order on DH and I for 2 years really sucked not seeing or talking to my little man. SD was 7 and SS was 6.  Lots of problems happend with SS that we werent able to help with because of the order. He was almost suspended in 1st grade for anger and behavioral problems. Normal when your dad gets taken away from you. 

Fast forward another 2 years finally get to see kids again SD is now 9 and still  doesnt like me actually has a hatered for me. SS is now 8 and has lost alot of intrest in me really. Understandable we hadn't seen them for 2 years or talked to them its normal.I had to start recording when I was alone with them becasue THE PRINCESS would go back to OG and lie about what I did or said to them to the point it was getting out of hand and honestly I was afraid THE PRINCESS and OG were going to get me arrested for supposable child abuse. And at this point SS was in on it too both were turning into the biggest manipulators I have ever seen at age 9 and 8. Many fight between DH and I over them lieing about me and DH only having my back half the time. Sometimes the monsters would lie to him about me and he would believe them so thats when I got a graveyard shift. Screw being around them during the day on their breaks and visitations I had the excuse to sleep because I worked nights.

Fast forward another 2 years SD is 11 and SS is 10. SS is charged with theft for stealing chrome books and cell phones from school and was put on probation SD contaced BM off a friends FB account. Talked to BM for weeks before letting OG know what she did. OG takes SD down to meet her BM without letting DH know that she was even talking to BM. Ever since that day she meet BM she has been nothing but a evil little B*TCH! She is dead set on living with her BM which the state has already informed everyon that none of the CHILDREN will ever live with her because she has lost her rights to ALL 4 of her kids. 

Back in August DH finally won custody of the kids from OG. YAY we thought but little did we know the real NIGHTMARE started. SS has become a compulsive liar you literally cant believe anything out of his mouth and then gets mad at you when you tell him you dont believe him. When he knows he's in trouble he will lie to other family memebers to get you in a fight and then that way he doesnt have to deal with his consquences because we are dealing with the FREAKING problem he started. SD has the nasty mouth and absolutley no respect for anybody. She doesnt even respect her self enough to change clothes or her bedding. You have to remind her to take a shower to brush her hair and teeth. She constatly talks crap to you and gives you dirty looks and refuses to do her chores. SD got CPS called on us because she was grounded and we took the internet and TV away from her so she told the school she feared for her life. Now we get to do family therapy yay!!! Not !!!! 

We found porn on both of their school chrome books which i have no idea how the hell the freaking school could allow that! On SD computer we found how to divorce parents, how to get removed from the home and many more of the same topics. Like she is really doing her research and the sad part about it after 7 years of BULLSH*T with these kids my love for myself and my DH have died. I cant even look at those MONSTERS anymore!!!! There are alot more problems that I didnt put on this because I didnt want it to be a book but trust me it can be. I own the house because DH and my marraige was VOID becuase he was still married to BM. And plus I bought the house in 2017 so SD and SS could have their own rooms and no one had to sleep on the floor like a dog. I have decorated their rooms nice panitned them and they've destroyed them. SD purposely locks the cats in her room and yes they do go potty on her floor because she locked them in there. She likes it when her dad and I fight and she likes to get the animals in trouble by blaming stupid stuff on them. For instance she broke her TV in her room and blammed it on my CAT (no one in the house likes this cat but me but the cat also doesnt like anyone but me) so DH and I get in a fight over my cat and how i need to get rid of it blah blah blah my freaking cat isnt going anywhere. We asked her friends because see the cat broke it when her friends were over intresting. Friends come clean say they were ruff housing and kicked the tv off the stand. SD cut my work shoe laces then tied them together to wear I couldnt even get my shoes on but nope it wasn't her it was the animals. I had no idea that animals could tie Knots in shoe laces. I guess mine are pretty trained!!!!!!

I guess this place will be my vent because my family is over these monsters as well. Words of advice from my dad " Lifes to short to be dealing with someone elses shitty kids". When SK arent here its bliss DH and I have a wonderful time together. 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

 This sounds like a lot. Has your DH stayed clean since you two have been together? 

Is he working and providing for his kids? What is the relationship of this OG to the kids? 

Can DH get this OG removed from guardianship at this point since he has proven that he is a capable parent? 

I think a lot of the issues are stemming from no constant in these kids lives. BM will continue to drive a wedge and try to get you and your DH to give up and let the kids live with her. The kids need a stable house with rules and structure. 

This is a lot to take on and I am not sure if I would be willing to do it, personally. 

littlemamaneedshelp's picture

Sorry I didnt finish the post before I hit saved still learning how to do all this. DH is  clean and was clean before we got together and has always worked to support us. OG is DH's mom. BM has all rights to all 4 children taken so SD cant live with her anyways. 

justmakingthebest's picture

So it sounds like you need to take some serious steps that will cost you dearly, not only in money but relationships.

First- ASK your MIL to give up guardianship and allow you to take that role, so that you 2 are the only parents. 

She won't likely do that as she sees herself as the stable parent. Fighting her will be expensive, but needs to be done, IMHO. 

Simultaneously- these kids need counseling, both individually and as a family. They have been through a lot and need to be able to work through those feelings and the need to act out. 

littlemamaneedshelp's picture

MIL has already admitted that she should have given them back in 2017 when i bought a 4 bedroom house and we both had great paying jobs. She's to attached to them and will not stay out of the way even for a month for us to try to be a family. I completely agree and SS has been in therapy for 11 months now and SD called CPS so now we all have to do therapy. MIL also told the kids when they were younger that im not a mother because ive never had my own kids which was  not my intention. I unfortunatly have a couple disease that my body will not let me get pregnant. Plus I wouldnt want to put my own bio kids through all the health problems that run on my side of the family.

ESMOD's picture

What is the actual custody situation currently?  Is it the OG (whe is this person).. with your DH having some amount of visitation? or what? 

I guess somewhat relevant is why he was able to be blocked from seeing his kids for years.  Is he still on drugs.. was he at that time?  Why can't he get full custody of his biological children.. and why could his EX not have some custody IF she is clean now (is she?).  Courts generally don't take custody "forever" they will give a parent the ability to get custody back in most situations.. especially if it is addiction and the addict has gone through the hoops and recovered.

It's no wonder these kids are messed up.  parents have come in and out of their lives.. who knows how great a "parent" the guardian is?  It is also likely that their parent's drug use actually has impacts on them physically as well.. as in causing behavior issues/imbalances.

Obviously they need therapy.. and that may not resolve everything.  You are probably going to have an uphill battle regaining their trust after not seeing them for years...it sounds like a tough situation.

littlemamaneedshelp's picture

Sorry I didnt finsih the post before I hit saved still learning on this. SK live with us and have weekend and break visitations with OG. OG is DH's mom. OG put a no contact order on DH and I because he tried to take the kids for visitation early and said so not nice things to OG and OG has everyone where she lives thank god its 100 miles away from us in her pocket. DH had a very bad reputaion where OG lives so the Cops and court had no problem putting the order in effect. SS has been in therapy for the last 11 months and now SD has had CPS called on us we have to all got to family therapy. 

Yes DH has messed up and done crap he should have never done to have had his kids taken but he changed for them stopped doing drugs hanging out with bad freaking people. He was always in the kids lifes except for 2 years. Thier BM met SD for 10 minutes last year. Never asked about SS.

CLove's picture

so, currently you are not married, because your SO is still married to the BM.

BOTH children are nasty, dirty, lying, manipulative monsters that are trying to break up the relationship, and get you in trouble with the law.

Do you have any "ours children"? I do not see what is keeping you together, but if you choose to stay with this guy, keep in mind that these behaviors will get worse not better. You can try therapy for the kiddos, you can try parenting classes for your SO. Get nanny cams to record everything. You can put porn blockers on everything. You can punish kiddos with different things. Ive heard that writing sentences sometimes works.

Good luck and keep us posted!

littlemamaneedshelp's picture

In August we went to court twice in one week first one was for a final divorce from BM and second was custody of the kids. I wont marry him again because I no longer want to be held responsible for his kids actions. I will not go into debut for lawyer fees for his kids. Its only a matter of time that SS goes to jail for theft. I cant have any kids due to my health DH and I tried for years before excepting the fact it just isnt in the stars for me to have my own kid. Plus I dont want my bio kid(s) to have the health problems that my side has. What keeps us together is a side of him no one sees but me. He truly loves me and would give me his last breath of air to save me. I dont expect him or want him to ever choose me over his children but I just wish he wouldnt be so fast to defend them and be so easy going on the punshiments/ grounding.

DH and I come from complete different family backgrounds I was raised as a ranch kid and he was raised as a town kid. His family was all about the drugs my dad barely even drank around us. 

ESMOD's picture

You have to understand that he is likely coming from a huge place of guilt.  He had them when he was on drugs with another addict... that likely in itself gave them some real lingering issues.. from the womb.  THEN he was on drugs when they were young.  then he messes up so badly that he misses literal years of his life.  AND... he is likely fearful that if he is hard on them his mom will yank access away again.  He probably has not clue what effective parenting really is.. and feels so terribly that his kid's issues are his fault.. at least partially.

therapy... for him and maybe for the whole family is in order.. there is loads of dysfunction.

Maria10's picture

Leave this situation! 

You are not married and own a house! Break up with him and live your life!

Drug addicts relapse all the time so in addition to all you have been going through you should think about that. What if you get married and then he relapses.

What you are writing about is the reality you are living. How you feel about the reality you are writing here should take precedence over your feelings for this man.

Imo you should take a break and go somewhere familiar but where you can be alone for a month or so. This way you can figure out what you want to do without the constant drama

 

 

littlemamaneedshelp's picture

I do understand that I watched him cry like a little girl for 2 years not getting to see them or talk to them. He bought them presents every holiday for them and they sat on their empty beds until the NCO was over. He knows he messed up bad in their lives and in their eyes and yes he asks GOD and them for forgivness every day. We have taken mulitple parenting courses online and through DHS. The two kids will not change. My grandma died back in 2019 and SD has purposely broken almost everything I had left of my Grandmother. She has told me that I'm not a mother and will never be one because I cant have kids. But her OG has also said that to them and to my face as well so I know where SD gets alot of her attitude from OG. 

SteppedOut's picture

Alllll this would be too much for me. "Love" is not enough for a relationship to survive, much less flourish. 

It will be sad to end things, but I promise you will be better off - and you WILL find love again if you want to (and if you allow yourself).

ETA: He didn't know he was still married??