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I hate school conferences!

littlegrlzx4's picture

So DH and I try to both be involved in all the kids stuff. I've always tried to go to conferences for the SK's so I know their teachers and understand what's going. DH comes to my BK conferences. But I hate it!

I'm dreading going to the conference for my 7yo SD in a few hours for several reasons:

* Our school puts elementary kids in the same class 2 years in a row so I know this teacher. She has no idea what to do with me as the SM with 2 bio parents sitting there. She, herself, hasn't been a step mom, doesn't include me in info about the kid and I get to be "talked around" during the meeting. Previous teachers who have been SM's have been much better about this but this one is genuinely confused when we pull up 3 tiny little chairs.

* Crazy BM will, of course, manipulate the conversation to be completely about herself and blame any issues on me and DH. She will also go on, at length, about what a better parent and person she is while my DH and I kick each other under the table and try not to roll our eyes.

* Last but not least, I have no doubt there will be bad news about behavior issues, which is typical for this kid.

I know my DH would be upset if I didn't go- he likes the support and we both think it's important that I play a role.

What do ya'll think? Do you go to conferences? Is it worth it?

I have another one for the 9yo next week....

Comments

WontGetTheBestOfThisSM's picture

We always make seperate appointments. We have never had a teacher deny us a different time slot. DH usually will contact the teacher a week ahead of time and say something like " My wife and I are really interested in whats going on with SS, however we have found in the past if we meet with BM and the teacher at the same time, there is a lot of tension and focus on SS is usually lost. We prefer to meet with you seperately so both my wife and I and my ex wife feel more comfortable sharing our thoughts about SS openly" I assume most teachers would rather deal with divorced parents on their own anyway, who needs the drama??

Colorado Girl's picture

Save the drama for the mama! I don't do school confrences. Teachers could care less if I was there AND the less I have to deal with BM the better. I'm concerned about my skids, but he can give me a recap - if you want details, he can make copies and bring them home. DH doesn't go to my kids school confrences either.

DH is a big boy, let him do it himself. You can still play a role but don't do something you don't feel comfortable doing.

Chocoholic's picture

Its unfortunate... but sometimes doing seperate conferences is just how it has to be.

I do conferences together with my ex-dh (my daughter's dad) but we're really good friends.

With my son's dad, we do seperate conferences because it just works out better that way.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda

Tired2's picture

We ALWAYS do separate conferences! DH doesn't want to be in the same room with her any more than I do. I've also told you about the intelligence this woman has so she basically just sits there like a pile of poo while the teacher addresses her like she's a good parent. They soon come to learn who REALLY takes care of SD11 and they start contacting DH or myself ASAP.

With that being said I don't attend them anymore because I got tired of the teacher's looking at me like I had no right to be there. They always realize during the year that I play a very pivotal role in SD11's life. DH doesn't go with me to BD12's meetings but does BS6 because he's ours together.

Some people are like slinkies...not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs! Smile

littlegrlzx4's picture

You're right- seperate is better. We've tried to do that in the past but Hyper Control BM has insisted that we do them together so she can make sure we're not talking about her when she's not there. (at the daughters conference- sure you're the focus, psycho!)

We gave this battle up a few years ago but I think its time again.

chellebelle143's picture

BM can insist all she wants, doesn't mean you have to do it. I imagine it makes the teacher uncomfortable, with the tension in the room. Not to mention if the "psycho" is taking focus off SD there is no point of going to the conference at all! DH needs to tell her that next year he IS setting up seperate appointments. If she doesn't like it, oh well. Oh and we never tell BM that we are setting up a seperate appt, we just do it, she probably has no idea we go at all. Ignorance is Bliss Wink

**How seldom we weigh our neighbors in the same balance as ourselves. ~Thomas à Kempis**

laurels4u's picture

As a teacher, I can tell you that we (teachers) sense tension among parents the second you walk through the door. I've actually had divorced parents verbally abuse one another in my presence and have had to call the principal to come remove them from the conference. In that situation, the BM sounds like your husband's ex! That psychotic woman was so intent on placing blame on the ex husband that it was quite clear from her words and actions that she was at fault for her child's shortcomings. I'm sure your DH's ex comes across to the SD's teachers in the same way. IMHO, if the teacher has any experience at all, she wouldn't allow either party to trash talk either parent and would keep the focus on the student. Taking sides, allowing such banter, or trying to mediate a verbal boxing match between blended families isn't her job. I'd rather slide push pins under my nails than have to be subjected to that! I deal with it enough in my own home.

BTW, I don't conference with my DH about his son and he doesn't go to my DD's conference. Unfortunately, I teach in the school in which he attends so I get an earfull weekly about what he HASN'T done rather than what he has done so I can understand where you're coming from about your SD.

Good luck at conferences!

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Persephone's picture

of you and DH. Go separately. Our ex wife will talk as if she is the only parent that follows up with homework and such.. HOWEVER, the teachers call here regardless of where the skids are, I will say... they are at the BM's.. teachers have said yeah, well that's not going to help. I get the skinny and then I send Dh and BM ( I love it) an email explaining what the teachers concerns are.

I have gone to conferences with BM and DH.. BM makes a fool of herself. We rather go with out her.

Actually for the past 3 years she does not even go...

steph77's picture

I agree with the others, separate works best. This is not BM's choice. You and DH have every right to meet with the teacher for a conference, or any other time. Just sign up for a separate time slot. That's what we do, and we've never had any problem with this from the teachers. I actually think the teachers prefer it because they feel the tension too when you're all there. They don't want to be in the middle.