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So mad

LittleCloud9's picture

So DH told me today he found a therapist for us and made an appointment... IN MID JANUARY!! I'm sorry but we've been looking for almost a month for a therapist already and now we have to wait another 7 weeks?! Plus they are new, about 1 years experience. We found one with over a decade of experience for ss within a week but for us? Apparently it's fine for us to wait..... I'm trying hard not to be mad at DH but I'm sooo upset right now. I feel like he didn't try nearly as hard to find us help, like it's not that important. The therapy is through a program at his job or I would just start calling people myself. He told me not to worry if it's not a good fit we can try someone else. And then what, wait a few more months??? I just started crying when I found out. I'm so FRUSTRATED!!!


I really just want to crawl under a blanket and cry for a few days. I'm so tired...

thanks for listening


JRI's picture

I just read back thru your blogs and understand why you are so frustrated.  Just hoping your SS is calming down a little.  Sigh....  hang in there.

CastleJJ's picture

Is counseling a covered benefit through your insurance? If so, I would start solo therapy first for yourself to help you cope with everything while waiting for joint therapy. You have to take care of yourself too.

If therapy is a covered benefit on your insurance, use to find a therapist. Their database almost acts like an online dating site - it has photos of the therapists, bios, their specialties, and allows you to request an appointment right from their profile. I used this twice to find a therapist after relocating and it was awesome! 

tog redux's picture

Yes to all of this. Start your own therapy if it's covered, then you can do couples counseling with DH starting in January. 

LittleCloud9's picture

That site is Awesome CastleJJ!!! I got so excited! I'm going to try and find my own therapist. After I cried myself out last night I talked to DH and explained I really need something for me because I can't keep myself balanced right now. He finally got what I meant and told me to go ahead and find a person for me and we can do the couples thing too. 3 therapists sounds like a lot for one family but oh well. Thank you so much! Im going to start calling around today 

I Think I Am's picture

I'm so sorry to hear this! I don't have any practical advice as I don't live in your part of the world but I just hope your DH can understand how worn out you are & how despondent you feel. what did he do when you burst into tears? You can't just keep getting up & going without any hope in the very near future. I've only read your more recent posts but it sounds like you are right up against it with your SS & you've been very strong. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Maybe it will make you feel better to know that non-emergency mental health services are maxed out at the moment. When YSS went into therapy, he got in ASAP because he was in crisis. However, once the crisis period ended, it became a nightmare to get scheduled on the scheduled he was supposed to be on. When we tried to move his care closer to home, I had places take a week or more to respond with rates, if they responded at all. Even my EAP therapist took a few weeks to book, then ghosted me after a few sessions. So, it's quite possible that family therapy/couples counseling is 7 weeks out.

HOWEVER, I think you specifically are in crisis, and I cannot blame you one bit. Look into finding therapy for yourself through your insurance. Tell them how you're feeling. Tell them that you want to curl up into a ball under a blanket and not crawl back out. You can likely find services that can fill in between now and January, at least for a few seconds. Even call your primary care provider; they may have a counselor on staff who can fill in while you're looking for someone permanent.

The mental health care system is similar to the physical health care system. Crisis services = ER, so they're going to be available to triage immediate problems. Your SS has the equivalent of sepsis or pneumonia that needs long-term hospitalization immediately (and he's a minor and services just tend to be better for minors), plus some sort of infectious disease that makes him dangerous to others. You, however, are like having a heart attack where you need something short-term to fix the immediate problem, but then need to see a cardiologist long-term. Even after heart attacks, a cardiologist is a specialist that may take 1-2 months to book an appointment with you. What you need is someone to help you with your immediate feelings of sadness and anger, and someone long-term to help you cope. That latter person is a specialist that is going to take a while to book out, so look for some crisis or short-term solutions to get you to that long-term point.

And make no mistake - you (not your marriage) qualify for that immediate help. You've taken an emotional beating with all of this, and you need something for YOU. So be honest about your symptoms and call around before you end up putting yourself in the actual hospital due to stress and anxiety.

Big hugs and good luck to you.

tog redux's picture

This actually varies by state and service provider. Anyone with any issue can walk into my clinic and start immediately.  Go to our closest "competitor" and you will wait 3 months.  I don't know where OP is, but it's unlikely they'd have wait 2 months for therapy if they look elsewhere, unless they are very rural.

lieutenant_dad's picture

It also varies by insurance provider and whether you live near covered services, and how taxed those services currently are. We live in a city, and while my health insurance covers 100% mental health care, the closest facility that takes my insurance at Tier 1 is 45 minutes away. I could get into counseling there sometime this week, but booking on a consistent schedule after that is a nightmare. The local providers either don't accept persons with private insurance, don't accept my insurance, or do accept my insurance but I can't get them to respond.

I do understand that it depends on the area, but in the last year, I (as well as my sister, her partner, and a good friend) have had a heck of a time finding someone long-term. Though, we live in Anti-Canada, so maybe that's why.

tog redux's picture

True, insurance does matter too. If people can afford it, many private practitioners don't use insurance and might charge $60-$75/hr. 

LittleCloud9's picture

Thank you all for your kind words and your practical suggestions. I really liked the health illustration too. We have good insurance and live in a fairly big town so there's a good number of places to call. Hopefully someone has openings! DH was only thinking of therapy as a help in teaching us how to parent SS. When I was finally able to articulate that this was about my own emotional state then he understood and told me to do whatever I need to do. We almost ended up in a fight at first because I think he felt like I was criticizing him but fortunately we were able to get on the same page. I'm going to start making calls today. 

tog redux's picture

You can definitely find someone in a big city with good insurance. Shouldn't be an issue at all. 

LittleCloud9's picture

Thanks tog. I appreciate your practical advice and having everyone here to vent to when things are tough

stepmomnorth's picture

It's good that you are looking out for you. It's not all just about managing the child's behavior. I see a therapist because I carry a lot of a anxiety and stress and feelings and emotions due to my step sons behavior and actions. It affects my health and my wellbeing. It's nice and a relief to be able to open up to someone about all of those feelings. It did wonders for me. 

LittleCloud9's picture

What you describe is kind of where I feel I am now, the anxiety and stress are breaking me down.

Reading your post just gave me a realization this morning. I want to get help so I can be happy and calm. Not so I can support ss or DH or anything else. I just want to feel good for me. For some reason, that wasn't obvious to me before.

 I looked at therapy as a patch up job to keep me going so I could take care of others. Now I'm starting to believe this might be something I need long term to be healthy and happy myself, at least as long as ss is living with us. This last month has changed my perspective a lot and I'm starting to see my focus was wrong. Taking care of myself should be about me feeling good, not about being well enough to be a caregiver.

that's simple but I feel like my mind just exploded 

Gimlet's picture

Having someone in your life who is seriously mentally ill is hard and having to care for them is even harder. 

You are right, it's not a patch up job and your sole purpose is not to be a support to someone else.  Your health, both physical and mental, are important and deserving of care. 

Get all the support you can for yourself, LittleCloud. 

LittleCloud9's picture

Thank you! Wow, this is crazy. I can't believe I forgot I'm more than a support. All of you thank you so much. It's like a light just turned on.

stepmomnorth's picture

I'm glad to hear this! It's so important. In my own situation my thoughts were spinning and spinning and it was taking such a toll on my mental health. I've been trying to focus more on myself. I've bought some craft supplies to make this cool wall hanging macrame thing I saw on Etsy. I've started meditating, got a tibetian singing bowl (it's great!!), and have been doing some reading. Take time each day to do something nice for yourself. Start a new hobby, listen to music, whatever it is that makes you happy. Take care of you. The counselling sounds like a great thing. <3