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Field Trips - Yet Another Thing BM Overcomplicates

LittleBoPeep's picture

This morning BM sent a text to DH stating something rude and aggressive along the lines of so you think it's okay to not fill me in on my daughters trip to the pumpkin patch?  DH recieved the paperwork for it on Tuesday when he got home from work.  He let her know he hadn't had a chance to mention it to her and she responded saying that field trips are first come, first serve for chaperones and now he screwed her again because she might not get to go now and he has gone on plenty of field trips with SD and she wants to go on her first official field trip with her!

Since BM brought it up DH asked how she wanted to handle field trips because they should both be able to go on some with SD.  That of course got no response.  Also, there have been plenty of field trips that BM could have gone with SD in preschool, but for whatever reason she chose not to do that.

I swear if this woman ever gets a reasonable bone in her body and learns to communicate like an adult it will be a miracle.


tog redux's picture

Can't she contact the school directly and get information on SD's activities that are coming up? Why is it DH's job to tell her?

LittleBoPeep's picture

Right?? I honestly think she is just trying to find a way to make DH look bad for a potential change in custody down the road.  The funny thing is, she was aware that a form was sent home last week for kids to participate in the drama club after school and texted DH saying SD wanted to participate.  So she somehow knew about the drama club but didn't know about the field trip?  She just enjoys making stuff difficult and having DH to scream and bitch at.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

This is our policy too. As far as we're concerned. We're not responsible to keep Psycho informed. If she wants information from the school she's more than welcome to contact the school and get the information. She just doesn't bother, because shocker, she doesn't care.

But it's not your DH's job to keep her infomred, and I'm not sure why the whole field trip thing is an issue. If the parent can go, then go, if not then cool. Both can be there (being civilized of course) Or neither, or one. But I don't think a schedule needs to be thought up, to me that just seems a bit silly. Like some unnecessary drama that your BM is trying to throw around.

We also keep communication as minimum as possible though, since she's high conflict and crazy...

LittleBoPeep's picture

BM is awful and makes stuff awkward and uncomfortable if they're together so DH would never go if she was going to go.  And they both couldn't go and be SDs group chaperone.  I think it would be nice to come up with a system of who might go on trips with SD.  To me it makes the most sense for the parent whose custody day it is to get the first choice if they want to go. This field trip is on DHs day but BM didn't even ask if he was planning to go or not.  As usual she just assumes she runs the show.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Psycho makes things awkward too (when she's not yelling, playing the victim, or accusing someone of something). So I understand. We play avoidance.

It might be nice. As long as it makes sense. Your BM is high conflict. I'm not sure she's going to agree to any actually rational plan.. Unfortunately.

LittleBoPeep's picture

My hoping that she would agree to any kind of rational plan is really just wishful thinking, I know it's never going to happen.  SD told us that BM told her she doesn't want her dad going on any field trips with her, so I assume field trips are something she is going to railroad DH out of to the best of her ability.

Survivingstephell's picture

This isn't awkward, just poor parenting on BM's part.  Just remind her AGAIN that if she wants the info, she needs to set that up herself.  Then ignore her blaming talk.  

LittleBoPeep's picture

I agree with you.  BM has managed to find out about school pictures without DH (and get a separate order form that SDs older sister dropped off to SD on picture day) and drama club without DH.  She just likes having someone to scream at lol.

twoviewpoints's picture

BM's reasoning is ridiculous. BM wants to be the one to take daughter on her first "official" field trip.

Ok, but what if Dad also wants to be the one to do the first "official" field trip? 

What the heck is BM? A toddler? Me first, me first. *rolls eyes*

This isn't a f-ing competition nor is it something mothers get first dibs on. Hello? The pumpkin patch is there for at least 6-8weeks this time of year. Each and every year. If BM was so set on doing the patch with her daughter she could have already taken the kid out.  When our kindergarten class here in my district goes, it is fun. The kids get a small pumpkin (I mean sweetie pumpkin pie size) and a bag with three or four assorted apples. They get a homemade apple donut and cider to treat on site. They tour the kitchen and apple press room. Then back to school they go.

Sure, it's fun and they get the with their peers experience. However, a trip on their own with Mom or Dad is a better experience. Pony rides on weekends, huge corn maze, huge playground with fun displays, petting zoo , hayrack rides, pick-your own apples and on and on. 

If BM can't do this simple field trip with an adult parent attitude, I'd stick to who ever has the kid that day is the parent to do the field trip. If the day's custodial parent can't do it, then offer it to the other parent. This tactic runs a risk though of all the field trips by chance falling on the same custodial parents day every time. 


LittleBoPeep's picture

This is BMs normal rationale for everything related to SD.  She is the mom so she is somehow more deserving of most things when it comes to SD.  Before there was a custody agreement, DH couldn't see SD AT ALL on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or the day after Christmas.  BMs reasoning was SD belongs more with her and her sister at BMs house then at DHs house.  DH couldn't see SD on her actual birthday becuase BM "birthed" her (*bad*).

I'm not sure what makes this her first "official" field trip in BMs eyes.  SD has had many field trips at her preschool and DH went on a few.  BM went on zero which was completely her choice. 

We usually do a family day and do a pumpkin patch/corn maze so we will do that again this year.  This one is all BMs, DH isn't going to argue with her about it. He texted her and basically said if you can't have an adult conversation about this then no need to text me to which she responded this is how I feel so that's adult enough!  Oh yea, BMs got adulting down lol.

Major Blunder's picture

Pumpkin patch is way more fun with the family !  Now my 8y/o has a field trip to a quarry beginning of next month and that is not one I'd going on either, can't imagine that she is going to enjoy it much but hey you never know.

The BM SD26 isn't allowed on field trip as she is on the child endangerment list for the state, she can't work or be left alone in an official capacity with any children besides her own perhaps one day, problem solved.

twoviewpoints's picture

Quarry?  Science class , maybe?  

Can't blame you for skipping that one, lol. 

Ispofacto's picture

"BM, SD has two parents and I am one of them.  Since we both want, and are entitled to, take SD on field trips, I will take SD on my custody days and you can take her on yours."

End of conversation.


LittleBoPeep's picture

I wish it was that easy.  If DH were to say anything like that to BM it would be followed by you don't rule me! I'll do what I want.  She would never agree to a reasonable compromise.

Ispofacto's picture

Yes, but, it is reasonable and he wouldn't have to entertain any more arguments about it, just stick to the rule he made.  Any judge reading this message would have to agree: it is a reasonable solution.  Problem solved.


LittleBoPeep's picture

She works when it's convenient for her.  DH's lawyer subpeoanad (or however you spell that, lol) BMs work schedule for the last two years from her employer so it's going to be interesting to see what they show.

tog redux's picture

She doesn't have to "agree".  If DH wants to go to the field trip, tell her he already signed up and she should pay better attention to the school announcements if she wants to go.

Then ignore. Why does he entertain any of her BS? The court will not reprimand him for not keeping her informed if she has the same access to the information. She's never going to be a rational, unselfish person who can co-parent, so don't bother arguing with her.

Goodluck's picture

LittleBo----Years ago it was the custodial duty to keep ncp up to date on all school stuff.

NOW because technology is soooooo easily accessed in my recent experience where such matters were bought UP,  Judges WILL not order cp to keep ncps informed. As one Judge put it, Parent needs to have teeth in the game and CP is not a personal secretary.

 Your bm has a phone right? Your bm knows what school the child attends, right? BM can call the school and teachers to be placed inside the loop of info. DH can tell her that too.

He is not going to get in trouble IF he is not her personal secretary anymore. BM needs to take personal interest in her daughter.

Now  Judge will intervene IF either parent blocks the other from info...



Maxwell09's picture

How annoying. They always play lazy so they can come back and act like they’re being purposely left out. Well they can do what DH and BM does which is both go which is excessive or they could do the more reasonable thing and split field trips-one go this time, one go next time. 

elkclan's picture

It's really hard to know what to do when unreasonable people make reasonable requests. Do your best to separate the reasonable from the unreasonable (sounds like your DH did exactly that). I completely understand your frustration.