Slightly OT (but not)....Good news and bad, got any advice?
Long story short...
FH proposed yesterday. It was beautiful, wonderful and everything I've been waiting all these long, long months for. I feel like all the anger, resentment and bitterness has been lifted.
That's the good news.
The bad news is his mother, who has been quite ill for some time, died this morning. FH is taking it well because he wasn't really close to her...it's probably bad to say but true. He wasnt around her alot during her illnesses because of that damn hockey all the time. I'd spent a fair amount of my time around her since she got put in rehab for her lungs/heart. She was a great person and I liked her alot. I think FH is still in shock but will cry later hopefully and let it out.
The advice I'm looking for is can y'all give me some moral support for dealing with the BM at the funeral/memorial service? I am fully vested in FH and comfortable in our relationship because he's done the deed and made an honest woman out of me finally(or on the road to it). My fear is BM is going to rock up and act like *she* is the wife, not the EX. Plus all her family will probably be there.
I have no intention of causing a scene or any drama and will eat whatever shit they want to throw at me to keep the peace. I just know I'll feel uncomfortable with bm if she acts big, loud and aggressive--like she's the wife and is running the show. I intend to be the bigger person, ignore it, and go on with life...although girls it will really really give me pleasure to rub my ring in her twisted up prune face...especially since her geezer will never ever marry her. Can you say karma,much?
So, if anyone has some 'go girl' kind of words of encouragement to send me to stay strong around bm and her mutant family, I would really appreciate it.
Thanks and hugs y'all.
LT
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I would
make sure that you talk to FH and let him know how you feel, that way he will not give the ex the chance to be the "wife"
my condolences to the family.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
good idea
I'll just kinda air my feelings a little bit to fh so he knows I'm a little edgy. I'm probably going to have to up my meds a little for the service, but it should help too.
I've been thinking of having some of my friends from work go to the service too. That way I'll have support, and normally when there's a death in an employee's family, some of the co-workers go to the funeral...I'll see if some of my work friends would come.
Thank you for your sympathies...she was a wonderful woman and I really got to like her in the time I knew her.
OHHH, congrats LT!
I am very happy you got what you wished for. As for tomorrow, be nice and sweet. Remember you are #1! I have tons of good energies flowing your way from GA.
One can only hope!
Thanks so much!
I am just thrilled beyond thrilled. I'll have to clue you into the engagement story sometime, it's pretty funny considering all the crap that's gone on lately.
I'm going to try to be completely calm when the services are...I'm not sure when, where, or how much they're having but I know however it pans out, the BM will be there. Someone on here posted something that I'm going to try to remember: "FH loves his kids not *you" (in regards to the BM). I'm going to memorize that and probably have it mounted in a frame above my fireplace...Those are words to remember when I'm feeling trampled on by the bm.
I hope things are going better for you now that you're headed into counseling. I will keep you in my thoughts too and wish you the very best.
We'll have to have us a down-home bbq next time I'm down your way girl!
Big hugs, LT
Just stay calm, cool and collected
Be honest. Be yourself. Be quiet, unassuming, in total control of yourself. I guarantee that someone will spot "the ring" and make a big fuss. Betcha that will drive her NUTS!
Congratulations. I hope this is what you really want!
That's definitely what I want
to be married to him. He's trying to work things out in therapy and I feel more miserable w/o him so I'm going to try to keep hanging in there.
I'm not going to cause any drama's but staying calm is hard...I get nervous and shaky really easily...I'm going to take more meds to keep from being a total wreck. I hate confrontation or being made to feel like crap so hopefully I can cope. I'm going to try to remember that I'm there for FH and to show my respect for MIL...bm is irrelevant. At least that's what I'll try to tell myself....
Good luck!
My advice is to tell your fiance (congrats by the way!!!!) how you feel, first. Then keep in mind that he is choosing to be with YOU, not her and that you are the one he wants to marry and spend the rest of his life with. You are the one who is by his side and the one who is comforting him through this. This is probably hard advice to take, and easier said than done, but just stay focused on that he loves you. If you focus on that, you will be the elegant, confident one and the more secure and gracious you are, the worse the BM will look. Definitely don't let the BM walk all over you or be rude to you, but just focus instead on being there for your guy. The BM will probably be feeling really insecure and jealous of you and might act worse if her family is there, but no matter how she acts, everyone will know that your FH has CHOSEN YOU above her and there is nothing she can do to change that. If she puts on a big show it is likely that she is feeling really, really insecure, because confident women don't act like that. As hard as it is (and trust me, I struggle with this kind of thing a lot) don't take the bait if she turns it into some competition over who is bigger in your FH's life. No matter how she acts, just keep in mind that you are the one who he wants to be with and he knows it, you know it, she knows it and her family knows it. When my H's Ex goes to gatherings like this where everyone is gathered, she pulls all kinds of crap and makes a huge deal out of trying to prove that she is the important one (as the mother of the precious children) and that I am some random backstage groupie, but it doesn't work. When I feel my blood pressure rising, I envision her as a big pile of rotting garbage that someone has forgotten to take out. There is a famous saying that people gather at the rising sun rather than at the setting sun and I actually wrote that in tiny letters on the inside of my wrist once and peeked at it to cheer myself up at one recent gathering. Another good one to write on your wrist or hand is "Don't let the bastards get you down" (something my grandmother used to say!) Don't let anyone psych you out or make you feel second. This woman is his past and you are his present and future. You are the one who is going to be there for him during this difficult time and maybe try to focus on him and ignore her completely (again, easier said than done). Gracious and classy always wins the day. And lastly, remember that there are a bunch of us SM's out there who are going through almost the exact same experience and we are all rooting for you!
"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki
thanks!
it's comforting to know there are others out there in this kind of situation. maybe there's strength in numbers...
hugs, lt
Make sure that THE ring has a prominent position at the funeral!
You are the one to comfort him during his grief.
And Please, please, please make sure to do what you can to make him cry and vent his grief. Tears are major component of an effective trip through the grief cycle and are very cathartic.
When my youngest brother died (he was 10mos old, I was 8yo) I never saw my mother shed a tear. I was with my Dad several times when he cried in those days. None of us ever saw Mom shed a tear.
7 years later when I had to leave for boarding school (school only went through 9th grade for Western children in the country where we lived)my mother had a very severe emotional health reaction to my departure and went through severe emotional instability for a couple of years. Her therapist indicated it had more to do with her internalization of my brother's death than in my departure. My departure apparently triggered a major emotional crisis from her long buried grief over my baby brother.
My condolences on the loss of your M-I-L.
Best regards,
i'll wear it proudly
so everyone knows who he loves.
I hope he'll cry when things are over...i think he'll need the emotional release. We have counseling today so maybe the counselor will have him stop in alone soon so they can do a little grief work.
thank you for your kind thoughts.
hugs, LT