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Mother's day? Not really for me

lil_teapot's picture

First, the results of the smackdown are was called off on account of my decision not to attack fh about the email. I had alot of advice to not confront fh since I wasn't supposed to have the email anyways. So I stuffed all my anger/hurt/etc down andn tried to have a nice weekend. Friday was nice...we went to dinner and had a lovely time. He was sweet and nice like he used to be.
Saturday I took the skids to go get something for the evilC for mother's day. I wasn't angry or upset...I figured I'd kill her with kindness and really p*ss her off by taking her kids to buy her a gift. So we got some stuff for her...they paid because they wanted to, but I bought the flowers since they had no cash left--it wasn't a big deal to me...the whole thing was me trying to teach them to do these things since they've got no home training in alot of areas.
Anyways, Sunday evilC was supposed to come pick up the skids for the day but there is never a set time of when these pickups take place. FH and I were going to go lay flowers on his mom's grave(she's been gone about 1 month now) and go see my we wanted her to get the skids sooner than later. Unfortunately nothing was set in stone. SS13 had a rollerockey game at 8am so he got a ride to that from the coach. BM burned up the phone line trying to get ahold of ss14 to see where the game is because she 'couldn't find him.' I knew that meant she'd be all up FH's azz to get him to call her and tell her where...just another maniuplation to get him to talk to her, since that was the gist of her previous email that he doesn't talk to her because of me, we're going to be punished because of me, and she is owed whatever she wants because "she is the mother of his children" (I absolutely frikkin hate that phrase--it should be outlawed and banned!!!!) Anyways, FH never got a call from her and he never called was all through SS14 which I'm assuming is because she's still stewing that he didn't reply to her insane email from last week.
So ss13 comes back from hockey and we're all getting ready for the day. EvilC is supposed to come get her offspring at 1pm, but ss13 is angry and doesn't want to go...who knows why. We were supposed to go to fh's mom's grave and asked if they wanted to go...ss14 was willing but ss13 wanted to stay home until the EvilC came to get him. So FH was super pissed...primarily because he wanted his kids to go to their grams grave out of respect and some sort of love for her...but they really botched that up by not going so he was mightily pissed.
Anyways with FH being mad, he said screw them both and we left. He cried when we laid flowers on his mom's grave and I just hugged him and gave him a kleenex...I don't think he cried since the day of her funeral and he's repressing alot of hurt...which I don't often think about because he just stuffs it down and keeps going like nothing's wrong (aren't those the types who eventually snap?)
So then we went to see my parents and give my mom some flowers and candy. We had a nice talk in the car about the skids and whatnot and I think he felt better. We didn't stay long at my mom's because fh was super tired from all the overtime this last week.
I had been hinting all day that, gee... evilC(the bm) got stuff for mom's day, and my mom...and the girls at work wished me a happy mom's day...wonder where my card was?lol I made it a kind of joke to let him know I was hurt but tried to do it in a joking way so he wouldn't be mad. He didn't say anything.
Anyways long story short, last night I blew up at him because I got absolutely nothing...not a flower, a candy, a card or even a frikkin thank you...nothing. And i was heated!!! FH said he forgot or whatever, even though I'd been hinting. So I gave him the speech about how I'm nothing but a babysitter he has sex with...and that all my contributions mean nothing to him. He eventually launched into his tirade that he was grieving still and didn't want mother's day anyways, that's why he didn't go with us to get stuff for evilC and wasn't stoked to see my mom because he didn't have a mom to give flowers and candy too. I realized I was wrong in how I behaved but I had based my actions on the fact that 1)evilC had sent a threatening email and I assumed he was kissing her azz by not giving me anything so as to not offend her great precious womb...and 2)he hadn't seemed very sad all week. He doesn't cry, he doesn't voice his feelings, etc...I assumed, since he wasn't exceptionally close to his mother that he wasn't as upset as he obviously is. So I was wrong in some ways, but like I told him, he was wrong too. He should have said he wasn't feeling like participating in mothers day so I would have been prepared to get nothing.
What my final thoughts were to him were, regardless, he has taught his boys a very bad lesson that can not be undone...that I am nothing and that the evilC is matter how much college I pay for, or how much homework I do, or what I do to make us be a family, I am nothing more than a glorified babysitter...the precious evilC is what matters because she is the almighty womb! FH doesn't believe the skids are smart enough to get that lesson and that they're so selfish that they really don't care about getting evilC anything anyhow so this day was nothing to them anyways even to their own biomom.
So anyways, I'm kind of in limbo. I'm not fighting with him because he's obviously grieving, although he certainly hasn't seemed to be to me, but whatever.... And while he has hurt me tremendously with this ginormous slap in the face, I am going to just ignore it and keep moving on. He does do nice things and we had a lovely time this weekend, so I'll consider that my mother's day dinner. And I'll consider him appreciating me on a daily basis enough to make up for the lack of a card or flowers because he was very upset and not really thinking clearly.
For once I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt even though I am really really hurt and what he taught the skids, even inadvertently, is going to take a long time to undo if at all.
I am going to concentrate on helping FH through his grief and try not to be so selfish. It's hard...I'm only human and I hurt too.
Being a stepmom sucks alot of the time I'm finding out because even when I think I'm doing all I can do to make things right for everybody, it kind of doesn't matter because things still suck for me. But I'm going to keep going try not to give up.
Thanks y'all for your love and support. You've been my saving grace through all the craziness!!!!
Love, LT


melis070179's picture

There was obviously a lot going on with your DH this year...I think you're right to try to let it go, THIS YEAR. I would straight out tell him, not hint, that you understand this was a rough year for him, his heart was not in it, but that next year you hope to be recognized by him and his kids for your role in their life. They DO make stepmothers cards for a reason!

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"

lil_teapot's picture

although when I said it it was pretty mean. I feel like a jerk now because I just didn't realize he was as torn up inside as he was.
I'm going to be nicer to him now and try to remember that he isn't out to get me...we're on the same team. It's just been incredibly hard because we've had so much crap this last year, and the evilC is adding to the misery--all she wants is to have him kissing her azz so when she gets tossed out she can go back to fh and live with him...that's been her motive from day one. But now that I'm there, that's not going to work so she hates me...but I've now finally come to realize and gotten it straight from fh's mouth that he will not ever be kissing her azz ever and he wants us to be ok. So I'm going to take my chill pill now and stop being such a
Hugs, LT

michel45's picture

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