Feeling lost
I am not an open person, I suppress my emotions and frustrations, but right now I feel lost.
My husband has raised his son since he was 6 months old (he is now 16). My step son was 7 when I met him. My husband and I dated for 7 years before we got married and moved in together, which happened last year. The birth mom hasnt been in the picture way before I ever came along. My husband and i had a long distance relationship while dating..... he lived 2 hours away so all we ever had were weekends.
That being said this is where the find begins....my husband and I have a newborn, my steph son has been the center of attention for the whole process....I made sure to make him feel special ....he is big brother! When I came home from the hospital with my baby my step son got my family together for dinner and asked me to adopt him. We had a conversation about this in the past, but he didn't want to let go of his birth mom.....whom he never really sees. I told him I understand and I dropped the issue.
I have always seen my step son as MY own, I have always been mindful of him n his emotional needs....I have been the only "MOM" he knows....I leave him suprises in his drawers....reminders of how special he is and how much I love him. As long as I dont give him any discipline we are good...but the minute i ask for basic things, like clean your dog poop up, or lay down the law, I get a nightmare or a step son.
This past week I told him that I'd he camt take care of his dog I am going to give her up....he doesnt feed her everyday, he doenst walk her, and doesnt clean up dog poop. He takes care of her only when he feels like it....he told me if I give her up he is going to vandalize my car. I dont take well to threats....things escalated really quick.
We have been having issues ever since he moved in, he just has an issue with me as an authority. I have worked very hard to have a close bond and connection with him....I am constantly fighting to remain close, but I am tired of fighting.
He and I have had issues where I tell him I need to back off n after a couple of days and he cools off he says he wants me to be his "mom". This time he voiced his frustration about us constantly going through this cycle....we are good, we argue (explosively), I back off, then we make up and I am still actively involved. This time he said "you do you and i do me".
Do I keep fighting or do I finally let go?? What does me letting go look like for us as a family dynamic?? How do I act?
I have always taken the time to spend one on one time with him, his primary love language is quality time. I truly love this kid as if he were my own so this breaks my heart completely, but I am tired of constantly having to prove myself to him and I dont want to be around just for the good things provide (trips, name brand clothes, etc).
Do I still push for the adoption or is this something I also let go of?
Someone please help me out and give me advise....I am feeling lost!
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Comments
Back off
Stop doing stuff for him. You DON'T have to constantly prove yourself to a kid - stop giving this kid so kuch power. You don't have to adopt this kid. Reclaim your power.
Reclaiming power
How do I reclaim power? What does this look like?
He's a teenager who has been
He's a teenager who has been through some big changes. He reacted badly. This is not the time to 'let go'.
Intact families also have problems with teens. Good parents don't give up. They also don't let crap like he said slide. This does not mean reacting explosively. You're the adult. You're in charge. There's no need to explode.When you explode you lose power, maybe not in the short run, but in the long run.
You've also been through some big changes. I bet you're not getting a ton of sleep.
There is help out there for dealing with a defiant teen.
It's not uncommon for teen
It's not uncommon for teen boys to push back on their mothers, when they start feeling physically strong and testosterone-y.
But you can't be his adoptive mother if you can't discipline him. He and DH don't get to pick the fun part of having a mom and not the hard part. Sounds like you were a good stepmother figure for years - helping out without disciplining. Now you tried to discipline and he didn't like it.
I wouldn't give up on him, but I would table the adoption issue for now (not as a punishment, but just because he's still feeling somewhat loyal to BM). You can adopt him at any time. If I'm not mistaken, Rags adopted his stepson at age 22.
If I Only Had A Brain
I suggest reading up on teenage rebellion in general. He is at a tough age to handle so you need to be a step ahead of teen thinking and hormonally driven upheaval. Sounds like you're a new mom and have not had much experience with teenagers. Reading up on this topic may give you insight - the prefrontal cortex of the teen brain is in development and it can be a crazy-making stage for quite a few years. I often looked at my child during the teen years and wondered "where the hell is my kid?" I could swear that an entity from hell had replaced my child. They are all over the place emotionally and behaviorally.
Raising teens is difficult, particularly when they have a strong streak of independence. The nature of rebellious behavior is actually a normal move into adulthood. Set your parental boundaries and follow through with rules. Don't make threats you don't intend to follow through with. Make sure DH and you are on the same page and support each other with parenting. Above all, continue the tough love no matter how crazy it makes you.
If he's asked you to adopt him then he views you as the "maternal" force in his life...that's a good thing, but this may also lead him to push more buttons. If he feels insecure in your love, this may cause him to test the waters. "When I came home from the hospital with my baby my step son got my family together for dinner and asked me to adopt him." - I found this interesting. Is he feeling anxiety about the baby being your biological child? Was this announcement of adoption a way for him to say..."hey, I'm as much yours as he is even though I don't share DNA." Be conscious of this...he may be feeling a little threatened that he's not biologically yours.
The teen years make toddlerhood seem like a walk in the park...you are going to be dealing with both stages. They are both crucial stages of forming independence. You WANT a kid that grows up to be independent and respectful. It is hard work. Make sure he knows your love is unconditional despite how angry you get. Children really do learn more from what you do and how you live you life vs. what you say or give them.
Food for thought
I didn't think my step son would be feeling that way, but it can be something he is dealing with.
I am very close to my big sister and big brother, and I tell my step son how special big brother and sisters are, I also point out that without him, my biological son wouldn't have a big brother. I have always told my stepson how special he is....more so now that the baby is here. We surprised him with a headset for his playstation this past weekend....ad an "I love you" gift.
I am always mindful of his feelings....he comes off as a hard, " I dont care" type of young man, but he us a huge teddy bear. I am the only mother figure he has ever had.
His biological mom has been in n out of the picture since he was an infant.
Do you have any suggestions as to how I can deal with this insecurity? He likes to point out how he isnt my biological son n throws it in my face as a way to limit what I can do with him.
I understand teenagers are rough and a nightmare, I just dont know what I need to do with him right now.
It sounds as if there's been
It sounds as if there's been a lot of good in this relationship and now you're up against the terrible teens. It would be a shame to chuck it all because he's just doing what people his age do.
But you do need to be able to discipline him, especially as the issues move from taking care of the dog to alcohol, drugs and girls.
I'd try to get your husband on board with how to approach this. Get him to reinforce to SS that you ARE an authority figure he needs to obey, just like any other parent.
Don't threaten to get rid of his dog. The dog is probably a constant that has seen SS through all this change. And they're therapeutic for humans. If you don't want to take care of the poor dog, get your husband to do it. But just like you can't dump a kid, you can't just dump a dog.
SS's threat to vandalize your car must be addressed in no uncertain terms. This can be the starting point for addressing discipline. But first I think you should take back your threat to dump the dog. It sounds as if this event got out of hand and people made threats they shouldn't. (I often made this mistake with my husband -- threatening divorce doesn't move things forward. It's just a sign you want to draw a line, but I've learned there are better ways to draw the line than threatening something that escalates the argument.)
I think it might be a little late to become a disciplinarian to your SS. But you have to try because you need some order and heirarchy in your household for things to run smoothly.
I agree now isn't the best time to address adoption. It can wait.
How to discipline
How do I discipline a teen now? My husband and I had decided that all discipline would come from him....no matter what. We have come to the point that I cant eben ask my step son to take the trash out....if he is in a bad mood he wont do it. We have a list of chores for him to do...he dont follow through.
I realize that I can be controlling and rigid, I am very strict....its the way I grew up. My husband has always done things for my step son....he overcompensated for his birth mom walking out on him.
Our family does have a hierarchy...its my husband, and if he isnt around it's me. My husband doesnt always get things done....so if my step son needs something he comes to me....for security...he comes to me. Whem he had his first job interview he asked i take him, when he had to fill out paperwork for taxes at wrk, he called me, when there is a problem at school...he calls me. When he needed his ID at the DMV, he asked me to take him.
He knows I will fight for him, take care of him, and protect him...no matter what the cost is. He knows that to me he is "MY" son....and you just dont mess with "MY" kids.
So discipline.... how do I get there ?? Will I ever get there ?? Will I always have to go through my husband?
Marriage counselling STAT.
Marriage counselling STAT. You have a male in your house who is undermining your authority and it's not your step son.
You do not have to go through your husband if your step son knows that DH will back you up. But this means talking about STANDARDS. My SO is stricter than I am. I tightened up on my son and he loosened up on his. It may mean you have to loosen up. It may also mean that you have to show some vulnerability - you can say to your stepson - look we're all new to this and a new baby, we don't always know what's right in the moment. Help me out!
Marriage counseling
I have brought up marriage counseling before and my husband says he will go but he won't do it wholeheartedly. I even suggested family therapy...its not really an option....no one other then me is really on board. It's how I ended up here.
I think u might be right... I might need to be more vulnerable and show a softer side to my step son.