You are here

My experience being kind of a HCBM

Lillywy00's picture

Back in my past I used to be hell on wheels on because the dude I procreated with (huge mistake because that fool didn't deserve my birthing/parenting efforts although I did have a pretty and healthy baby) .... was a complete narcissistic ahole who enjoyed driving me to the brink of neuroticism every time for his narcissistic supply. 

Anyways I used to be triggered by another woman dealing with my kid but after some time I realized ... if my kid isn't being abused or neglected then I need to chill and focus on myself during his parenting times. 

When my narcissistic breeder decided to cheat on his now ex-wife and have a baby with his mistress his dumb a$$ thought this would be some sick sister wives reunion where he'd be out chasing supply (aka a$$) and the women would take care of kids. 

To my surprise my kiddo says her ex stepmother (or I guess still current SM - heck not the kids fault that dude can't keep a family intact to save his life) loves her and still keeps in touch with her. Even invited her to stay for two weeks a couple summers ago. Maybe she feels guilt that dude is helping take care of her kids but does nothing for mine. Idk. 

My breeder hasn't provided for our child in YEARS and ironically the SM I used to hate is now more reliable as a positive resource than that d0uch3nozzle. 

This all made me think about my own experience as a step mother. I honestly didn't want the hassle but gave my ex fiancé a chance. His Disneyland (and B. Beck n Call) antics turned me off so much I ended up leaving as a result (before my irritation spilled over onto those kids). 

I thought about how I never let those kids call me, haven't kept in touch with them, and when I tried to be a better step mothering type figure .... like if I have them and inch I was worried they'd take a mile/overwhelm me with their neediness etc. 

*I wasn't totally hands off as I did take them places, buy them things, plan outings, invite them to my family events, and talked to them sometimes when they were at the house

I do feel slight guilt that I had no desire to be more than a mentor type of SM but I do blame the Disneyland Dad & his lazy conniving breeder for making it HARD ... very hard ... to blend with their kids.  


Rumplestiltskin's picture

My takeaway from your post is that when there are BMs, SMs, GFs, etc., hating each other and having drama over a man, the man is the common denominator. The likelihood that he's just this great guy who is the hapless victim of crazy women who want him so bad they can't control themselves is slim to none.

Also, don't feel guilty over your boundaries with former skids. Keeping in touch with them would likely cause more problems than solutions. Make a clean break and set them, and yourself, free. 

Lillywy00's picture

The likelihood that he's just this great guy who is the hapless victim of crazy women who want him so bad they can't control themselves is slim to none.

You already know a lot of these men (especially the Disneyland Dads) be having delusions of grandeur 

thinkthrice's picture

My 1st ex's wife wanted children.   He, as usual, didn't so she started mothering DD.   Which would have been ok, except they wanted to take custody from me...propped up by my ex-MIL who was very much like DD's SM personality wise but ironically, butt heads with each other. 

She was on the verge of divorcing my 1st ex when she passed away in somewhat of a freak accident.   She never took good care of her health.   Probably bc ex H drove her nuts.   I felt sorry for her despite their attempts to PAS DD.

Rags's picture

The likelihood that he's just this great guy who is the hapless victim of crazy women who want him so bad they can't control themselves is slim to none.


Those who repeat their prior failed family fecal quality antics, are the common denominator.  My XW is my IRL example of this.  3 DHs with 2 being XHs (at last count as of 10+ years ago), 3 all OOWL children by 2 DHs with 2 being cheat babies (at last count as of 10+ years ago).  I was DH and XH #1.  Blessedly I escaped without sullying my gene pool with her.

My dad was a master of the common denominator speech. In short, "What is it that you are doing that is causing the same poor outcome."

Fortunately I have proven to be able to learn from my mistakes.  I am more notably able to learn from the mistakes and examples of others.  Sadly, even good people of quality and charactger often lack either or both of these abilities.

Apparently narcs live in a world where everyone else is the problem.  AKA, reality is a foreign concept to them.

AgedOut's picture

I think in my early days I may have been a HCBM. I was young, we both were, we had a child before we were wise enough or mature enough to be having children. And we divorced before our son was 2 yrs old and he had a gf within days if not hours of our seperating. But (big big butt) looking back, it was both of us and we were immature so parenting was a tug-of-war. Once I became more settled in who I was, a lot of that insecurity went away. They've been married appx. 35 years now, we coexist quite well and I can safely say we're all mature now, lol. 


I used to put it all on him/them but I can see that while some was him, it was more a case of none of us being really ready to raise a child, let alone ourselves. 


I do agree that often times it's directly on one of the parents and it's hard to juggle children when one keeps dropping the ball.

advice.only2's picture

I’m sure my ex has spun stories about what a horrible rotten person I am, which suites his NARC narrative, but reality is once we were divorced I wanted nothing to do with him and for him to just leave me the hell alone.  After he moved away I left it up to him to facilitate a relationship with his kid….so here we are 24 years later and BS has never met the guy and has never even spoken to him. 

Hastings's picture

Don't feel bad. I, too, struggle with guilt over not really bonding with SS. I was very careful not to overstep, because I knew that was often a sure fire way to alienate the SK and make things worse with BM. That was a bone of contention for DH at first, because he had visions of every-other-week happy family. It's better now.

I've been nice to SS. I don't do much for him, but I did a fair amount when he was younger (but only what I was willing to do). That's pretty much stopped at this point, as he's a moody teen who doesn't like me or DH because we hold him accountable for stuff and refuse to kiss his @$$.

Also, honestly, he's never been the kind of kid it's easy to like or bond with, even when he was little.

All that to say, SPs and SKs are people. Some will click. Some won't. As long as there was no neglect or abuse, it's fine to not hit it off. Society puts these expectations on SMs, in particular, that we should love our SKs like they were our own. In reality, that's rare and, even from a biological standpoint, an unreasonable expectation.

SPs who do genuinely love and attach to SKs? Great. Awesome. But that doesn't mean the rest of us failed.

Thumper's picture

I've been saying this for years that,

:Society puts these expectations on SMs, in particular, that we should love our SKs like they were our own." 


Would dh, or who ever LOVE the neighbors kids like their own? IF not, why not.