You are here

OT - Signing Over Vehicles with XH

lieutenant_dad's picture

My XH and I are still on the titles of each other's vehicles. We bought mine with a very long loan period weeks before I moved out and asked for a divorce. He owed too little on his to refinance when I left, and my credit was shot after the divorce for a bit so I couldn't refinance mine. By the time I could, I owed too little on it for anyone to let me take out a loan that wouldn't double my interest rate.

XH and I mutually agreed to sign over the vehicles to each other when they were paid off. Mine has less than 4 payments left, so we'll be signing over titles soon (and no, I'm not worried about that part).

I want to just meet at a DMV to sign it and get it over with. Five minutes of hassle, and at most XH and I will exchange pleasantries.

Here is my issue/rant/question. His wife won't let him talk to me. She insists on any communication that he and I have go through her. There have been maybe 3 things I have had to contact him about in 5 years, and it was because something got mailed to me that he NEEDED to have (specifically, a ticket) and his wife found old paperwork of mine that she wanted to send me because she "didn't want to look through it" (though she looked through it enough to know what it all was, and if she didn't want to be bothered with it, she could have pitched it or told XH to handle it...but I digress).

If this is anything like the ticket fiasco (I offered to run the ticket to him at the parking lot of his office, but he had to ask her her thoughts, and her thoughts were for me to go home, him to go pick her up, him drive out to my house, and then pick it up), what should take 30 seconds of conversation nd five minutes at the DMV will turn into 30 minutes of concocting some convoluted plan and me waiting a week for each of us to sign the title and mail it back and forth to each other. He and I work 15 minutes from each other, and live 30 minutes from each other. I don't want to mail this crap back and forth, and I don't want to deal with her for an issue that has nothing, absolutely NOTHING, to do with her.

Yes, yes, I know I should have taken care of this long ago. I'm kicking myself now for not. But if you were me in my current state, what would you do? Would you just follow along with her plan just to get it over with, or would you insist on your own plan and tell her to (politely) shove off? This is the LAST thing that ties me to him. We haven't spoken in a year. We aren't friends; this is a business transaction. I'd really like to just get it done and close that chapter fully.



lieutenant_dad's picture

Since the ticket fiasco (3 years ago), the other two times that communication has had to happen has gone through her. I can text him and hear nothing. I can call him and hear nothing. Then I'll get a FB message from her saying that she'll do whatever needs to be done.

I'm perfectly fine with saying "here is what we'll do" but she says "no, he won't be doing that". I want to get off the title of his and get him off the title of mine, and vice versa. I could probably just be stubborn and tell her no, but then we just turn it into a game of chicken or a stalemate until one of us gives in. It will be childish, I don't want to do that, but I also want to just be done with her and him.

I feel a little like I should just do what she wants, but I also don't want to deal with her.

Aniki's picture

Why does she have to be involved in any way? Is there any reason your ex cannot keep this "on the down low", take whatever he needs with him to work, meet you at the DMV, take care of business, then say Goodbye and it's done? In the words of my 10yo self in the 70s, "It's none of her beeswax."

AshMar654's picture

His new wife sounds crazy and really insecure about herself. She needs to get some kind of life of her own and get over these petty things.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I don't know anything about her other than my XH dumped mutual friends after they started dating. XH and I started dating in HS, and we shared a friend who actually introduced us. Him and XH were BFFs for years, and when we split, I assumed he and I would drift some since he and XH were closer than he and I were. However, once XH and his wife started dating, he and our friend stopped hanging out. I wasn't hanging out with them in a group or anything, so it's not like I was the reason. Plus, I am the one who wanted to get divorced and said no when XH tried crawling back, so it's not like I want anything to do with him.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm hoping someone has a third option that I'm not seeing as I'm so close to the situation.

BethAnne's picture

I would just do what they want. If they want to make life difficult for themselves over something this then that is their problem. Honestly although their plan may be more convoluted and involve a little more effort on your part it will not be impossible to do what they want or overly onerous. If his wife is so insecure that she cannot stand her husband conversing with you (or your ex hates you so much he gets his wife to do it) then that is their issue. Just do what they want and move on I see no reason to cause trouble for yourself over this.

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is what the mature side of me says to do because then it's just done and over with. If DH could end his ties with BM in a weeks time but had to give in to her, I'd tell him to do it

It's the b!tchy side of me that wants to tell her to back off and mind her own business. My DH stays out of it, so she mostly certainly can, too.

witch.hazel's picture

If you don't have to deal with these people on a regular basis there is no need to teach them how to treat you. If it were someone who you had to deal with a lot, such as a BM, I'd say let her know you aren't jumping through hoops with her, but since it's just a one time thing, it only makes it more difficult and drawn out for yourself to argue with this lady- who is definitely quite weird.

twoviewpoints's picture

I assume his wife monitors all his emails/text. So text/email once you have your title and say: "Mrs New Wife, if ex wants to exchange titles I now have mine. You may bring ex to the DMV located at ________ at _______ time. You may stand between us and after each of us signs you may hand titles back and forth. I pinky swear I will not speak to either of you and especially not your husband. Promise, xoxoxox Lt. Dad"

Unreal. I suppose the other 50 people and dozen employees in the room just aren't enough supervision :O

lieutenant_dad's picture

She does. XH and I dated in HS, and when his mom got sick and passed, my parents helped take care of her and really took him into the family after she died. My parents have a love for my XH that they don't have for my DH because they feel a bit like they helped raise and care for XH in his younger days.

After we divorced, my SF reached out to him to make sure he was okay since he doesn't have any family around. He communicated somewhat often with my parents (not about me or us) before he started dating his wife. Then he went radio silence, and if my SF reached out to say Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday via FB, she'd respond on his behalf. My SF stopped trying after the second or third time she responded.

I actually like your response, though I think I'll tweak it a bit. Probably just message her directly, say I have it, tell her where the most convenient DMV is, and give her a date and time. If she argues, I'll just say no can do or tell her to have XH call me to sort it out.

Disneyfan's picture

The way my pettiness is set up, I would just HAVE to eff with her.

Insecure, jealous women bug the crap out of me.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'd love to hear some ideas on how to mess with her.

"Hey New Wife, I was chatting with XH a few weeks ago...or maybe it was when we chatted at Thanksgiving. Either way, doesn't matter. As we were talking, the subject of the cars came up, and I told XH our car would be paid off in the spring so I'd reach out again so we could get the title taken care of. You know how notoriously slow he can be to respond to texts and calls, so could let him know that I'll be getting the title on X date so he and I can meet up to take care of it? Thanks Wife, you're such a sweetheart!"

MurphysLaw's picture

“I'd love to hear some ideas on how to mess with her.”

You stated:
You wanted the divorced
He tried getting back with you, you declined
He met someone else
He doesn’t “bother with” your old friends, your family
This is the last thread that binds the defunct marriage
New wife handles his “business/ messages/ meetings” now

You are trying to make the new wife “look bad”, maybe she is...?

So, again
Why do you want “some ideas on how to mess with her?
Surely you’re not jealous that this new wife has your ex’s balls in her handbag...?

lieutenant_dad's picture

It was a joke. I don't actually want to mess with her. I'm not going to mess with her. That was me venting my frustration with the stupidity of having to deal with her.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Can you call him at work, or even go there in person? That way you could at least talk to him directly. Maybe sign the titles and exchange them there?

lieutenant_dad's picture

I know the company he works for, but not his specific division. Even when we were married, I didn't have a work number. He works in a lab for a big pharma company, so I'm not sure I could get in touch with him.

I will do what I usually do - call and text him, and hope he is the one who responds.

moeilijk's picture

Does it have to take place at a DMV office? If so, I'd be very clear (first with myself, then with them) about what I'm willing to get into about this.

Probably I'd text what days/times I'd FOR SURE be available for the next 6 weeks or so, and the locations I could get to (assuming there is more than one within a set radius of my house/work).

And then I wouldn't make any other plans for on those days/time for the 6 weeks. If they don't figure it out in that time frame, that's on them and I'd have done my best in terms of getting it over and done with, being courteous, and being respectful. From that point on, I'd only be available at my convenience. If it drags on forever, oh well, you're still driving the thing.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I get both sides TBH... I think yours is more right in a silly situation like this, of course.... Like on one hand, I totally get why she’d be informed of everything, because they’re married, I expect to be informed about everything, and absolutely hate when he agrees to anything (particularly his ex) without at least telling me first what’s going on and what her demands are... But she’s also crazy... And manipulative... And her demands normally involve her thinking we owe her something (while we’re paying on her bills, and raising the kids because she doesn’t give a flying s***f***) or using the Skids in ways that always causes them stress.... So I totally get the being informed thing! HOWEVER, this is literally a way for her to get your name off of something, and it’s not like your XH is trying anything. So I don’t see what the big deal is to just say “hey! I’m headed to meet the ex at the DMV, in public, and we’re going to sign each other off the cars! See you soon!”

I get being informed, I mean f*** I even get wanting communication limited, but as long as she’s informed I don’t get why she has such a stick up her a$$. It al just sounds like clerical mumbo jumbo, so that shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s not even either party trying to be social or one party trying to throw themselves at the other!

I’m sorry lieutenant! She sounds like a control obsessed beastie!