OT - Advice to Sister about Our Mom
If you've read my previous blogs and posts on other people's blog (and some of you know more than most - looking at you, Gim), you know that my mom and sister both suffer from mental health issues and have an iffy relationship for both justified and unjustified reasons.
Current situation: my sister graduated from college and has applied for a Master's program that she needs to reach her goals. This is HUGE for her, and she has done it as a young "non-traditional student" who spent the last two semesters working full time, taking classes, and doing her internship.
My sister graduated two weeks ago. We had plans to do a family dinner, but my SF ended up in the hospital again so we ditched the family dinner idea and our SIL and I took her out for a nice night out.
SF is now out of the hospital. Mom had said that she still wanted to do something for my sister, but has done diddly to organize anything with her. My sister was understanding at the time, but now she's hurt. She's even more hurt because my SF told my sister that she needs to take time off work for my mom's 60th birthday party here in a few weeks.
Now my sister is asking me if she has a right to feel hury (IMO, absolutely) but doesn't know how to approach it because her previous behaviors have caused my mom to shut down whenever my sister tries to talk to her about being hurt. She thinks SF will jump on her for making Mom upset.
I have, in the past, acted as a mediator between the two. However, that has just made me the target so I've stopped. But, I think my sister is right in this regard, and I know if I speak up that it will be better received (because I am, unfortunately, the favored child). I'm also getting very fed up with my mom and SF trashing my dad (not sure why that has started all of a sudden, but I have ideas) and acting like my sister isn't growing up. Yes, my sister needs to mature and not make mountains out of every molehill, but that doesn't mean they should ignore every issue she has with them, either.
So...I don't know how to proceed other than to offer support to my sister and not get involved. I think my mom needs to try harder to show my sister she is proud of her, because I know my mom would be extremely hurt if we all didn't acknowledge something important to her. There is a lot of hypocrisy that I could unpack in regards to my mom, but she refuses to see it any other way than she has condtructed in her head.
Any advice, especially from those who have been in my sister's position? What is your perspective on this? How can my sister handle this on her own and what advice can I give her (if any)?