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BM is "Engaged"

lieutenant_dad's picture

I am out of town, so DH had to go to OSS's band concert alone last night. 

Apparently BM announced she is getting married and is "engaged".

I say "engaged" in quotes because 2 weeks ago she was in a relationship with a guy we'll call Q. Fiance is not named Q; we'll call him T instead.

DH asked YSS his thoughts. I guess he just shrugged and didn't have much of an opinion.

The last guy she was "engaged" to turned out to be a sex offender who happens to be dating a family friend's ex now (who she dumped her kids for in the last month, BTW).

I don't care that BM is engaged. I care that it may stir drama. Will she move in with this guy and pull the kids out of school (OSS is a senior in an early college program, so that would blow hardcore for him). Does this dude have a job or will she be in even dire financial straits than she is now? Will she get pregnant and look to DH to supplement that (DH laughed at that one)?

I guess I'm putting the cart before the horse. Let's see if she sticks with this one long enough to make it to the altar.


lieutenant_dad's picture

We live about 30 minutes away on purpose. BM has a history of having "emergencies" and just leaving the kids with whomever she can get in touch with. Or randomly showing up and crying about something.

We could make it work to get him to school for his last year. YSS is in middle school, so he could transfer without *too* much problem.

DH and I have had many, many "what if" conversations and developed many, many contingency plans. This is just potentially one of those instances where, once again, BM just HAD to be the CP but doesn't actually think about how her actions impact her kids (and I'm more referring with that to the door of revolving men and actively cheating on them in front of the boys).

STaround's picture

you are prepared for change.  I agree, a revolving door of partners in front of kids is not a good idea, for so many reasons.  

Gimlet's picture

Your BM sucks.  You have the patience of a saint.  She does not at all deserve to be the CP.

Edited to reflect your response Smile

lieutenant_dad's picture

I don't think she is the worst (or I just don't care enough anymore to pay her that much attention), but it is like dealing with a teenager. It's all so half-arsed.

She'll get a job, but it doesn't pay her bills and she won't get a second one. She needs a new car, but it HAS to be a truck. She leaves the useless husband (not my DH) and grabs guys who rotate jobs as much as she does. Puts the boys in extra curriculars and volunteers, but then gets mad at the other parents so she pulls the boys out.

I came to terms a long time ago that she won't act like a fully-functioning adult. My DH has his issues, and I wouldn't give him any sort of parenting award, but at least he is consistent, teaches the boys things, and is able to support them on his own. I think he'd actually do better if they were around more because he tries to keep weekends with him a refuge from the crazy (and the boys are well behaved and respectful, so they actually DO take it as a refuge).

That's my new piece of advice for SMs: just imagine BM is a teenager, and you'll never set yout expectations too high.

Gimlet's picture

She's not an alienating parent, but the kind of chaos she causes for her kids (and by proxy you) because she's neither capable of handling her life nor able to admit that she can't do it and her kids would be better off with their dad is infuriating.

I really hope your skids don't feel responsible for her and put their own lives on hold.  I think you've done a great job at being there for them and holding your DH accountable, even though it's not your job to do so.

lieutenant_dad's picture

You're right. And my DH holds me accountable in a LOT of ways outside the parenting stuff. I don't talk about those pieces on here, but I have my own issues that he has helped me through and keeps me accountable. That's why I don't mind helping him on the parenting side, and why I will never be able to fully disengage. It helps that the boys appreciate, or are at least neutral to, my involvement.

Gimlet's picture

That's fair, lieutenant.  I just have a deep aversion to chaos and I think you handle it very well.