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BM is changing her last name back to DH's...

lieutenant_dad's picture

For the kids, of course.

Her and STBXH are actually getting divorced. They actually have a court date. I'm actually surprised.

What I didn't expect was for BM to change her name, though I wouldn't blame her for wanting to. However, I figured she would change it back to her maiden name.

Nope. She's changing it back to DH's so that the school doesn't get the kids confused. I guess they have been calling the boys by STBXH's last name since it's her last name, and they hate it. So she wants to match her kids.

I don't care, but I find it...odd. I get keeping a married name after getting divorced. I kept my XH's because everyone knew me by that name professionally, and I was young enough that people would think it changed because I got married. I wasn't mentally prepared to tell everyone that I was 25 and divorced. My mom kept my dad's name because she had gone by it for so long and we shared that name with her. However, we both changed our names (again) when we got remarried.

I can see changing back to your maiden name, or keeping your married name, but to take back your XH's name? Over a decade AFTER your divorce? Maybe it's because I don't have kids of my own, but that just seems super strange.

Oh well. I'll just watch this play out and see where this goes. I think it has DH on alert to shenanigans.

In other news, YSS has been removed from band due to his grades and is getting tested for a slew of mental health issues. Stay tuned...

Comments

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I wonder if their might be any legal reason. I do not know at all.

When you get married or divorced I've found the court will ask you if you wish to change your name. In the order they will right down that it is approved for you to change your name and you do not have to pay for it.

In my divorce paperwork it stated that I wished and was granted the right to change my last name back to my maiden name. Given I had been married only 3 years and had no children it felt natural and was actually really easy.

I wonder if her options are maintain her current last name or return to the name she had before the marriage which I'm guessing would be your DH's last name?

Then again her logic of wanting to have her children's last name is not misguided as we've seen.

Many people wonder about what they should do with last names. SO has two children. One carries their mothers name and the other his. It's kind of annoying to deal with whenever we go anywhere that has waivers because they always jump to all of just having whatever last name we give first and of course there's 3 of them.

I despise his last name and refuse to take it. Nothing against him and the reason is kind of stupid but I'm concerned about what to do if we have any biological children. I want them to have mine for ease but I want them to have his because I just feel its right.

Names can be unifying things. They make you a 'team' when you share them. Maybe the kids are asking why mommy has a different name?

lieutenant_dad's picture

The kids are teenagers and know why she has a different last name.

BM has a tendency to do/claim things as "by/for the kids" when the kids don't care one way or another. She presents them with an idea and they say "sure, whatever" and she takes that as them wanting something when they are really just apathetic to the thing. I have no doubt that the boys hated being called by their SF's last name since they can't stand the man anymore, but I don't think either of them told BM they wanted to share her last name since they don't seem like the kind of kids to care about something like that. My guess is BM proposed it and they said "that'd be cool" and she took it as them asking for her to do it.

I also just find it all interesting once she only had DH's last name for 5 years and was super eager to lose it after their divorce. She got remarried right after, took her STBXH's last name, had the kids calling him "daddy", and did whatever she legally could to keep DH away, including withholding the kids. She wanted to distance herself and the kids from DH as much as possible (except financially, of course).

So, she was DH's last name for less than 5 years, then STBXH's name for a decade, and now wants to go back "for the kids" who will be adults in ~5 years? Plus, she is still young and has a new BF already. I can't imagine her not being remarried within the next 2-3 years anyway, and given the "good ole boy" types she dates, I don't imagine whichever she chooses being cool with her keeping her XH's last name.

I can see where you are coming from, I really can. Just given what I know about BM, this is just an extremely short-sighted move. So, really, maybe not that odd for BM.

FieryEscape's picture

Seems very odd and I'd be highly annoyed.

If it's been over a decade - how old are the skids ? Why would it matter who's name they are called in school ?

lieutenant_dad's picture

They're teens in middle and high school. She has been known in all their schools and social circles as "Mrs. STBXH", so I don't know that changing her name is really going to get people to stop calling her/the boys by that name since that is what they know her as.

I do understand why the boys don't want to be associated with their ex-SF. He was an unemployed "recovering" pill popper whose behavior caused BM and the boys to be evicted/kicked out of several houses. He stole birthday and Christmas money to buy stuff for himself. He was loud and uncouth. He yelled and cussed out teachers and principals. Overall, he's an arse that BM made the boys call "Daddy" and who she was totally cool with keeping her kids around for the last decade.

still learning's picture

It's a royal PITA when your kids have a different last name than you. I often get called "Mrs exH" by teachers and coaches because that's what the kids last name is. It's useless to correct them because they'll forget and I get tired of relaying the fact that yes I'm a divorced sinner (we live in a predominately religious area).

Unless BM looooves DH's last name then she'll likely change it when all the kids age out if she remarries again. A friend of mine kept her exH's last name (her 2nd marriage). They never had kids together but his last name went well with her first name and was great for her career, plus she didn't want to go through the hassle of changing everything.

notasm3's picture

I know a woman who was married to her first DH at 20 and was divorced a few years later with no kids. She remarried a few years later to a man she has now been married to for over 35 years. But she has kept her first DH's name for all of these decades.

She moved across country and even out of the country at one point and has never lived within 2000 miles of her ex. I have no idea why she was so obsessed with keeping his name. She wasn't known professionally or in the community by her ex's name when they divorced.

Her ex divorced her to marry a friend of hers. She was devastated by the divorce. I think part of her has never been able to let go. I know she told me one time years and years after her divorce and remarriage how sad it was that she had no contact with the ex.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Changing a last name isn't easy. There's a lot that goes along with it.

I'm guessing she took her ex's name when they married (as is tradition) and decided not to change when she divorced because it wasn't worth the effort having having to change EVERYTHING again so soon.

Then getting remarried she decided not to go through all the hassle of changing her name again for the new guy. May even been worried she get divorced again and then best stuck with new guys last name.

Along the road she just didn't change it because it wasn't worth the money or the annoyance and it was her identify.

Again changing your name is more than going to the social security office and filling out a paperwork. You then have to bring or send documentation to multiple people including things like new drivers license and either the marriage license or the divorce decree. I STILL have some things not switched over though I changed my name 3+ years ago. It just isn't worth the annoyance and personally I'm tried of the pain of digging all that out and copying it to again send to someone who give me the whole "I'm sorry" when I explain the situation.

momjeans's picture

After that amount of time, I find it strange, too.

With that said, I can see BM pulling this crap, purely out of spite towards me, if/when she divorces dudebro - whom she is marrying next Saturday! }:)

I went back to my maiden after I divorced my first husband (17 years marriage). It was part of the decree.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I find it odd because she did everything she legally could to keep DH from the boys and did everything she could to force her STBXH to be new daddy. She wanted DH to have nothing to do with the kids or have him associated with them.

Now that STBXH is out of the picture and the lids are vocal about spending time with Dad, she has been playing super nice. And she wants to change her name back to that of the kids. The same name she has spent the better part of a decade trying to erase from her kids' lives (except financially).

THAT'S the odd part. The kids will be adults sooner rather than later. She has spent a decade as another name and having her kids associated with it, but just now cares because "of the children"?

No one can stop her, but I'm going to laugh really hard on the inside the first time someone calls her Mrs. DH in front of DH and he corrects them quickly.

FrenchPeas's picture

I did this. I asked my kids’ dad and his parents and sister if they would allow me to have their last name as it was my kids’ last name. They wholeheartedly supported it. They said they would always consider me family and were just fine with it. Besides. I had that last name longer than even my maiden name. Not one person minded and i was super relieved. I’ll never change my last name again, i don’t think.

As to the simplicity of it, i filled out one section of the divorce papers and it didn’t cost any extra. Had i waited and done it separately, i would have been out almost $400.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Did you ever call CPS on your ex's family with unfounded claims because you didn't want the kids to go with their dad that weekend? Or tell the judge you were afraid of your ex so that he would be awarded supervised visitation? Or serve your ex with divorce papers less than a week after he had a vasectomy that you two agreed to "as a couple"? Or take out fraudulent loans in your ex's name then default on them? Or withhold your kids from your ex and his family for no reason other than you wanted to punish your ex? Did you tell your kids that their father never paid CS so that they would tell him to give her more money? Or tell the kids that your new husband was their new daddy?

My guess is no. My guess is that you are a good BM that your ex's family is happy and proud to have as the mother of their grandchildren even if you and your ex couldn't make it work. There is a world of difference between someone who does right by their kids and respects their family and someone who wanted to erase that part of their children when it was convenient for them.

FrenchPeas's picture

I’ll tell you that i despised the guy i divorced and wasn’t going to keep his weird Cajun name and be associated with their stupid crap. I wanted to go back my previous name. No, i didnt and wouldn’t act like an utter loon to my former in laws and family to my kids. But when i was done with nimrod, i wasn’t keeping his idiotic name.

Your case is weird to you because of your loon of a BM but for someone like me, it’s not weird at all. I was fortunate to have support of the folks around me. Including my parents who weren’t hurt i didn’t go back to my maiden name. Because i truly did it for my kids and it made sense.

momof3smof2's picture

I think too many people read into the names that other people choose to use. People judge a woman if she doesn't take her husband's name upon marriage. People judge a woman if she retains her name after divorce. People judge a man if he takes his wife's name. People judge couples who take completely new names. People judge if the kids don't get the names they think they should. I find it ridiculous that people are so invested in the names other people use.

Me? I kept my name after divorce. Yes, I obtained the name when I married my ex-husband, but it was then my name to do with as I chose. I chose to keep it. Then, when I adopted my daughter, she got my name, which was the same as my ex-husband's name. Then, when I remarried, I kept my name, which was the same as my ex-husband's name.

It wasn't until my current husband adopted my adopted daughter, and my kids with ex-husband were grown, that I changed my name to my current husband's name. And it was a pain in the a$$.

WTF...REALLY's picture

When I divorced, I kept his name so I’d have the same as my kids.

When I remarried, I was not going to change my last name to hubbys because I wanted to match my kids....but it was really important to him that I take his. We almost got married in the 80’s and he always dreayof me having his name.

So I changed it,

Now my daughter is married and took his name. So....I would no longer go back to my ex’s name.

It’s funny....my son, daughter and I all have different last names,

WalkOnBy's picture

Yup - different names here, too.

When I got divorced, I went back to my maiden name, let's say it was Smith. Let's say Asshat's last name is Jones. Within in few weeks, Asshat and Money-Ka got married and so she was also Mrs. Jones. My daughter got super upset (she was 7) because she didn't want people thinking that Money-Ka was her mom. I reminded her that everyone at school and all of her friends knew that I was her mom Smile She didn't care.

So, back to court I went. I asked the Judge to modify the JOD to make my last name Smith-Jones. I had that name for 10 years until I married DH. I changed my name to his last name. My daughter got married in 2014 and so she has one last name, I have another and only the Things have Asshat's last name.

Not that any of that really mattered - all the kids' friends continued to call me Mrs. Jones anyway Smile

I didn't care at all. Interestingly, when I married DH, the kids' friends started calling me Mrs. DH'sLastName Smile

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'll reiterate that I get not changing your name after you get divorced. What I don't get is changing your name back to your ex's name after divorcing the new spouse, especially when you held so much contempt for your first ex and tried desperately to erase them as the parent (and it didn't bother you for the past decade that the kids have been associated with their ex-stepparent but only now that you don't like them anymore).

To each their own, I guess. This is just a baffling move by BM in my case.

zerostepdrama's picture

I'm guessing is that it is probably easier or cheaper for her to use your DH's last name. I would be annoyed too.

WalkOnBy's picture

I totally hear what you're saying. It is odd to change your name back to a name you haven't had in a number of years, particularly when it's not your maiden name.

Medusa never used DH's last name Smile She changed it, but she continued to use her maiden name. Back when we were constantly in court, it was always weird for me to hear them call the case "DHLastName vs DHLastName." The first time I heard it, I was like, "what? I am not a party to this case." Biggrin

moving_on_again's picture

I hated that! I just heard it on Friday. I couldn't see BM's face but she must have made one because the Judge said, "What do you want me to call you?" and she gave her current husband's name.

WalkOnBy's picture

funny story - Medusa once asked the Judge to call her by Lurch's last name.

Awesome Attorney, being a YUGE smartass like me, said, "oh, congratulations on your marriage (we knew she wasn't married to Lurch)."

She said "I'm not, I just like that name better."

Judge said "oh, then you can file a petition with the probate court to change it, but until then, I will call you Mrs. DHLastName."

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Ew... I would be bugged... But the Skids BM I psycho and high conflict...

BM still signs things with DH’s last name (she legally changed hers back) and that confuses me... Let alone her changing her name back to DH’s...

Keep us updated!

zerostepdrama's picture

My mom did this. LOL. Even though she was with my SF for many years they were only married for a little over a year (because of his drug addiction). Because he had issues with drugs, she no longer wanted to be associated with SF's last name. She also had my dad's last name for longer then her own maiden name. She wanted the same last name as my sister and I. And if I am remembering correctly, it was easier (or cheaper?) for her to go back to her previous last name then her maiden name.

I'm curious what BM will do if she ever divorces her current DH. They have technically been married for 3 years but have been separated for the majority of that time and she has a boyfriend. So if she divorces her DH and doesn't marry her BF, I wonder if she will go back to DH's last name, because that has been her last name for most of her life.

AshMar654's picture

She is totally doing it to create some type of drama or something. My mom kept my Bio-dad's name for years after they divorced. She changed it to my step-dad's name when they got married. Sometimes people thought my last name was the same as hers after she married my stepdad. It never bothered me I was a teenager and did not care.

Sometimes my mom was still referred to as my last name as when I was younger because people just assumed. She didn't care. I am sure your skids really do not care that much. Sounds like she is up to something. Who really wants to go through all that work of changing their name if they really do not have to. Hell I told SO the other day I might just keep my maiden name so I do not have to go through all the trouble of changing it. He gave me the oddest look. I laughed and said I will change it as SS wants us all to have the same last name and I really do not care that much.

Be on alert is sounds shady.

ESMOD's picture

My DH's EX still goes by his last name. At this point, with the girls grown up, it doesn't really need to be for THAT reason any more. I think she didn't like to highlight the fact that her name would have been different than her kids while they were younger.

Now, probably it's that she has used it so long it's "just her name".

There was a time that it was mildly annoying she insisted on keeping my husband's last name.. but I don't give her much thought these days.

DaizyDuke's picture

When I got divorced from my ex, I kept his last name. And we didn't have any kids. I did it for two reasons.... a. I was lazy and couldn't be bothered to deal with the DMV, credit cards etc. b. We had been married for 10 years, so professionally, that is the name that everyone knew me by.. and again I just couldn't be bothered.

and in other news, I am soooooooo freaking thankful that DH wasn't dumb enough to marry either BM and I don't have to ever worry about those skanks having his last name.

Cooooookies's picture

BM2 has never legally changed her last name so she still has DH's, which is highly annoying. Though on Fakebook, she changed it several years ago to her maiden name. On DH's birthday no less and announced it to him via text. Talk about never moving on and being a GUBM.

So, now, when I write out her name and address for a card from SS...I always address it as MISS Devil DHLastName. Just because I know that the Ms. part annoys her. She still whines to this day about how Mr Cyprus refuses to marry her }:)