Absolute crickets from ET...
Well, I should say absolutely crickets to DH from ET about YSS.
It has been about 6 weeks since YSS moved in with us, and aside from a two-hour lunch, YSS hasn't seen ET. According to DH, ET hasn't asked him how YSS is doing mentally(remember, he's in weekly therapy now due to threatening/planning suicide). She hasn't asked how his grades are doing (he was failing every class, and he's pulling Cs or higher in all but one class now which is fantastic). She hasn't asked how he is adjusting (he's actually showering, changing clothes, eating, and conversing with us - I feel like he actually has a personality!). Nothin'.
Last weekend or this weekend could have been the start of EOWE visitation with her and...nothing. Remember, she isn't (or, at least, wasn't) working. So where the eff is she???
I decided to find out, so DH and I asked YSS yesterday if he had heard from her about this weekend. He said no, but she did text him to see if he wanted to go with her and her husband to OSS's performance at his college that is 2 hours away at 7:30 PM on a Tuesday night.
Folks, let's do some math here. 7:30 PM performance won't be over until 8. Two hour drive to get there means ET has to pick YSS up at 5:30 at the latest and he won't be home until 10 at the earliest. YSS set his own bedtime at 9 (he has insomnia) and has for a long while now. He also is struggling to keep up with school work. Tuesday is a school night when half his classes worth of schoolwork for the week is due (she knows this). So...no, he doesn't want to go.
But also...um...WHY DON'T YOU JUST WANT YOUR YOUNGEST SON FOR THE WEEKEND?! Or an overnight? Or a fracking lunch??? Why does it have to be tied to seeing OSS perform? YSS has 72 hours free this weekend (holiday), and she can't must 4 hours to devote to YSS?!
I'm upset and can't vent to DH because he feels guilty for having been the "absent parent" in the past. I put that in quotes because he is referring to when he was finishing up his time in the military and had a mental breakdown afterward and was too poor to move back to Home State. Yes, he did a bad by not being around for 6 months, but he has MORE than made up for it by constantly bailing out ET AND bettering his life versus living out the teen dad stereotype.
My DH is/was not perfect. I don't expect ET to be perfect. However, I DO expect her to get better. DH wants to offer her the same 6 months grace that he got. I want to remind him that he had a mental breakdown due to the last bit of work he did in the military, having been injured in the military and being in contant pain, and his abusive STBXW was living with his mother AND moved her BF whom he cheated on DH with into my MIL's house. DH was also funneling all his money to ET during this time, so it's not like he was living it up, pretending to be kid-free. He was also 22 years old at the time, not mid-30s!
ANYWAY, if he wants me to extend some grace for his benefit, fine. But, for a woman who cared so much about control that she couldn't ever bring herself to actually ask for real help from DH with their kids, I'm bitter. I'm bitter that she broke her sons and left DH to pick up the pieces. I'm bitter that she's seemingly washing her hands and not communicating. If she were still in her 20s, I'd likely give her that grace, but she's nearly 40 now. Her growth has been such a snails pace that she MIGHT hit maturity before she dies.
Perhaps I am being too harsh on her. Perhaps I should extend another week or two of grace and see if she finally gets settled and whatnot. I still contend that she is done being a mom. If DH wants to hold out hope, fine. But, given that ET sent YSS to our place with all his worldly possessions except his bedroom furniture, I don't think she intends for him to come back anytime soon.
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Comments
Well, he became too much work
Well, he became too much work for her. A normal mother would be deeply concerned, involved in his therapy, and seeing him regularly. She's a selfish mother who doesn't want to do the hard work of dealing with her kid's challenges.
Oh, I know this is the
Oh, I know this is the correct answer. I think DH is holding out hope that she's not that bad, because then he has to admit to a lot of things to himself that he doesn't want to face right now (or probably ever). I can't help that.
But she is that bad. I guess
But she is that bad. I guess he would rather think the best of her than admit he chose such a waste of uterus to procreate with in the first place? On some level i know that's what it is, but it upsets me so much when these guys (ok, usually my guy lol) appear to defend a BM who is so shockingly neglectful or abusive or controlling or whatever. Your guy is lucky you have so much insight and understanding.
This is what happened here...
This is what happened here.... the first few weeks we were like ehhhhhh are you guys going to your moms?
She took them for 24 hours one Saturday about 4 months after court and that was it. Then she told SO that her therapist said "if they kids don't want to come don't make them." Maybe the therapist knew it was better for the skids .. who knows.
She has not taken skids for a dinner to her house, no lunches etc. Outside their birthdays, Christmas and a few things with SD over the last 3 years.. nothing.
She lives 10 minutes away, has weekends off, and doesn't do a damn thing.
And, here we are 3 years later..
SO never thought BM would become the person she is now. When I got with him I never thought I would become a full time "stepmom."
You sound exactly like me..."not even a fricken dinner??!"
It's extremely frustrating. Then time goes by and you just get use to it. Not saying it's acceptable but, it's something you can't really control.
BM was never involved with therapy for SS17, always goes to SO about SS17 grades instead of asking SS17 directly. It's sad that she uses it as an excuse to text SO. This literally happened two days ago.
ET and BM sound so much alike. BM wanted the title of "mom" then got overwhelmed and left, started doing her own thing, and left SO with all responsiblities for skids.
I resent BM for the drama she still causes when she doesn't do a damn thing for HER kids.
It sounds like ET is on the same path as BM here.
It seems pretty obvious ET
It seems pretty obvious ET had a favorite and once the favorite left it became glaringly clear to YSS which might be why he went south so fast. ET is worthless and doesn't deserve the title of mother, most of these alley cat BMs don't.
I know how you feel
Our BM, former MOTY, let each of her 3 kids move in here full time. She didnt even have the excuse, like yours might have had, about the child's mental issues being too much to handle. Just let them go. She did occasionally call, I think, but never took them for overnights, dinners or anything else. I was so overwhelmed with 5 kids, hyperactive husband in a demanding job and everything else. Now that I look back, maybe it was easier with her bowing out. At least I didnt have to hear her critique of everything.
I'm glad your SS is doing so much better! That is so great and I'm happy for him. I wonder if you sometimes see the sadness and confusion in his face like I saw when OSS didn't see or hear from his mom. It's so weird. Hang in there, Lt. Dad.
You're a good egg lt, but I
You're a good egg lt, but I hate that B for you. I raised YSD for five years with zero contact from her incubator. Not a call, card, letter, Christmas present. NADA.
Please, PLEASE insist your DH file for c.s. YSD deserves it, and it could be beneficial for him to know his mom is doing SOMETHING for him. You deserve it too, because even though you are okay with this on an intellectual level, resentment can bloom at any point in the future. I'm sixteen years out from YSD living with us, and the financial gall of Psycho is what chafes when I think back on that time. Your DH is very fortunate to have your support, but should be aware that it comes with limits and doesn't absolve ET of her responsibility. Taking from you while giving ET a pass is disloyal. Just my two cents.