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Abandonment

lieutenant_dad's picture

Ahhh, yes. That word rears its ugly head again.

Before I go into that story, a quick recap of my weekend.

I'm chilling on my couch last night, watching some television, finishing up my breakfast-for-dinner when there is a loud knock at my door. Odd. I'm not expecting visitors. In a pandemic? Why, it's simply not advisable!

So after I stop clutching my pearls and fanning the vapors from my face, I open the door and see BM and the boys with their two week bags.

Ummmmmmmmmmm...

I go grab DH from the back and he is equally confused. They are doing 50/50 every two weeks right now. The boys were supposed to be gathered on Sunday. BM was confused. No one texted or called (the boys said BM had told them she had it handled).

Well fine. My house is a bit of a mess and I don't have food for them for the next two days (grocery run is Sunday morning), but cool.

Then it starts. They both need new shoes because BM ruined theirs taking them hiking. Oh, and OSS needs a bank account opened because BM doesn't have one and can't take him to open one (odd since OSS is 18 and can open one by himself). Oh, and they need haircuts (don't we all?).

Mind you. She's had them for TWO WEEKS. She's getting the same CS despite having them less frequently. She has gone out to buy stuff for them to take on their past weekend trip where they ruined their shoes. She's not working full time. They aren't in school. She knows how the internet works, and salons have opened back up. So..............

Anyway, we get through that and she leaves. YSS scoots off per usual. OSS gives us an update on school stuff and we talk finishing up driving hours this weekend so he can get his license potentially before he goes back to BM's. All dandy.

As the conversation goes, we all start talking about adulthood and parenthood and how parents don't always know whether they're doing it right. As this unfolds, the topic of BM and DH's relationship comes up.

And DH didn't hold back on the issues. He didn't disparage BM, but he didn't lie about the events that led up to the end of their marriage.

Then it comes out. BM had told OSS that DH had abandoned them. That's what ended it. DH just disappearing.

So DH explained his side of that. Yes, for 4-6 months after his contract was up from the military, DH went silent on BM. She had served him divorce papers, she was fighting with MIL and moved her XH into MIL's house with them. DH had had his vasectomy a few days prior to getting the papers, which hurt because he partially did it because they didn't need more kids. He was not mentally in a good place, and his world shattered.

He regrets everyday that he was young and dumb and just dropped out of communication. 

But abandoned? I have a hard time with that. Sure, noncommunicative for 4-6 months, after spending 6 years being the primary or sole bread winner for his family. After giving BM his signing bonus so she could buy baby things. Then, even after those 4-6 months, the money he has spent putting a roof over her head, making sure she had cars to drive and that the kids had clothes (and sometimes food and medicine), paying her utilities and giving her cash for random sh*t she effed away.

I'm not saying DH doesn't have his flaws, or that he has been an upstanding adult who has managed to do everything right and perfect. He has let his own brain and feelings cloud his better judgment. But over the last seven years, he has pulled himself out of poverty, provided more for the boys, has tried to teach them life skills, and has tried his hardest to never say a word even remotely hurtful about BM.

Now, DH is defending himself. He's not saying he did it right. He's acknowledging the bad. But he's not letting BM control the narrative. And he's open to criticism from his kids and whatever feelings they have about him.

But it just eats away at me that she told her kids that their father ABANDONED them. Even though she is the one who asked the courts for no overnight visitation. Even though she's the one who pushed a new "Daddy" into their lives and then ripped him away. Even though she's the one who cheated.

Yep, DH is the big baddy in all this, which I always knew was the narrative. But Jesus, he has tried to be better and has gotten better, and she is in the same place she always is, asking for shoes and haircuts.

So here I am, venting. I'm glad that OSS has a brain. He isn't picking sides. I'd assume that he thinks both his parents are idiots. But, I supposed given that he was told that his father ABANDONED him, being pretty neutral between them is an okay place.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Don't feel bad, BM told SS and the private school she was applying to that DH had abandoned both of them, when they had 50/50 custody at the time. There was never even a period of loss of contact, in fact, when DH left BM, he took SS with him.  We saw it written in black and white on the private school application, "SS's father abandoned us, but we are hanging in there." (She forgot to mention the 2/2/5 custody schedule that was currently in effect).

Being "abandoned" is their favorite victim word.

lieutenant_dad's picture

It irks me so much. I honestly think she saw his whole military career as him "abandoning" them, given how DH says she reacted to him being sent off to do random tasks across the country. It was the smartest choice for a teen dad at the time, because the signing bonus kept BM afloat while he waited to go off to basic, and then his paychecks went directly to her since his room and board were covered while he lived on base.

Yeah, I get it. She had to do the heavy lifting as a parent. But she got to be a SAHM. That means your partner has to work, and work a lot. DH did just that, and has kept doing that since then because someone has to pay for the necessities.

It's the same frustration I have always had. It's her portrayal of being victimized for having to be a single parent - which is a life SHE chose. And she was never doing it alone. There was always money. There were lean times for sure, especially during the recession. But it's not like DH up and left and never paid CS or anything. Yeah, she has taken on the bulk of the parenting - again, by HER choice.

I'm just frustrated by it all, and I know you know that. It has been by luck that my DH isn't in the same boat as your DH. I just can't wrap my brain around how someone can see things so narrowly.

tog redux's picture

It is hard to wrap your head around, but they have very little insight or ability to see their own behavior and how it causes problems for them. So they are forever feeling victimized because they can't reflect on themselves and how they've contributed to the problem, they only see other people's negative reactions to their behavior, which feels "abusive".

I'm sure BM here really DID feel "abandoned" by DH leaving her.

Iamwoman's picture

Yep. Classic HCBM move.

The Maggot told skids that DH "abandoned his family..." all while he was allowing her full access to his bank account and still seeing them every couple of days!

These BMs are mentally sick people.

beebeel's picture

Yes my skids were " abandoned" too...for 18 months...while DH served in Fallujah and she moved back to the home state. It's "funny" how she twisted that.

lieutenant_dad's picture

That sounds familiar.

The first time DH had to travel for work, I took him to the airport and asked him what his flight number was and what hotel he was staying at. He got really snippy with me about it, to the point I almost dumped him on thw side of the road and told him to walk. After I reminded him that I would be the one in-state handling any fires if something happened while he was gone, or if I needed him immediately that I needed to know where he was, or if something happened to him I needed to know where he had gone, he calmed down. He explained that anytime the military sent him somewhere and he couldn't give details, BM would blow a gasket. Then, even when he could tell her, she'd blow again. It got to the point where his response to any questions about travel was instant "nunya" because he didn't want to fight.

He apologized and it has never been an issue since. But damn. I get being upset that your spouse is away, but blowing your top? Not cool.

Cover1W's picture

I'm sure BM has said similar things about DH even though she literally locked him out of the house with no notice and he had to scramble to get a life back, and the SDs were kept from him. But it was all his fault. Add to that the spin of how he was 'abusive' which is far from the truth. OSD spat all of that to him before she left our home and BM refused to counter it. Because GU.

strugglingSM's picture

BM told one SS that DH "caused the divorce". SS didn't elaborate on why, but I'm sure it was some variation on DH abandoning them. During the last years of their marriage, DH has to be away during the week because the only jobs available were 3-4 hours from home, so he stayed at the family cabin for the week - leaving home early Monday morning and coming home Friday night. BM - who worked from home - could have moved closer to where there was work, but she didn't want to.

In reality, BM met a new guy when DH was working remotely and that led to her filing for divorce. The new guy moved in to the house DH and BM had been renting less than four months after BM kicked DH out and told them she would call the cops if he returned (not sure why he believed that one). 

The real "cause" of their divorce was that they never should have gotten married in the first place. From DH's telling, BM was always angry and fighting with him, even when they were dating, but he thought he was supposed to get married in his 20s, so figured he should. I'm assuming BM also thought that she should get married or that she would never find anyone else (DH was the only person she'd ever dated and they met in their mid-20s) because she's not attractive by any stretch of the imagination and also has a terrible personality.

Aniki's picture

Gads. BioHo tried this same hooey with the skids. Yeah, sure. DH "abandoned" the town pump who was knocked up with another man's kid.

These "women" will stop at nothing to demonize their exes and make themselves the victims. *bad*

Livingoutloud's picture

BM told SDs that daddy abandoned their family and now they don't exist for him because he has a new family. In reality their marriage ended (bad marriage with BM refusing to work or acting crazy) and when SDs were long grown up and living on their own and DH hasn't even met me until a year after his official divorce. We have no kids together and my DD is an adult living on her own. No one abandoned anyone. 

tog redux's picture

He's still in, or just finished high school. Will you be booting your bios out a week after graduation?

UpgradeWife's picture

My children are not being raised to be lazy, entitled, spoiled, arrogant slobs. They are being raised to have independence and gratitude.

They're years away from adulthood. So, I will cross the bridge when I reach it. SS is a prime candidate for failure to launch so he won't be under my roof after 18. He can go live with his BM or maternal cousins or an aunt or uncle. We're going to move far away and SS won't be coming with us.

My poor husband has tried so very hard to not let BM's "parenting" and genetics ruin their son but it was all for naught. I also tried hard for a lot of years.

Thank God. I can't wait for freedom.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Yeah, see, my OSS graduated with 30 college credits, top 10% of his class, speaking a foreign language and playing two instruments. He also took AP classes and will likely test out of further classes. He has a full tuition scholarship for college and is poised to graduate in three years. He already has a plan mapped out for grad school.

He comes here because he loves his dad, and DH is trying to teach him some adulting life skills that BM has pushed aside for the "fun" parts of parenting. BM forbade OSS from getting a job, she can't/won't take OSS to open up a bank account, she doesn't own a reliable-enough car to teach him to drive so he only gets real practice at our house, and she has never been to college so DH and I are helping him through that.

OSS is a good kid who has been too sheltered and is trying to launch successfully. He is fully aware that, come September, his room is being converted. I like OSS as a person and don't mind him being here, and I don't mind helping DH help him launch. I'd rather he launch correctly the first time than circle back around like a vulture, pecking away at my life.

UpgradeWife's picture

An 18 year old is an adult and visitation shouldn't be still happening imo. Ie: the custody order is no longer valid. BM shouldn't be dumping him on your doorstep?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Our home is a safe place for OSS to escape the crazy and actually figure out his life constructively. I'm not taking that away from someone who needs to escape his mother's grasp and is learning to do so. I already have YSS here, and this is the most OSS has ever been allowed to actually see his dad.

So, while you are technically right that visitation has ended, DH's parenting and OSS's need for it hasn't.

I'm sorry your SS has been such a pain, but that doesn't mean every SK is out to ruin the lives of their SPs, nor that at 18 they don't still value guidance from their parents. BM is trash at being a parent to a kid transitioning into adulthood since she couldn't do it successfully herself, so that leaves DH (and I, by my choosing) to do it.

shamds's picture

Hi The time and disappeared because she was afraid hubby would be successful in getting full custody in their country.

i met hubby about 18 months later and when she found out via ex-coworkers and a sil of my husband, she alienated their daughters even more claiming daddy left them for me and to have kids with me when it was bloody obvious she had kidnapped the kids and forced them to cease contact.

i’m the scapegoat but going on facts, i am not the reason hubby abandoned his girls, my husband didn’t abandon them, his exwife alienated the daughters so much they do not see my husband as a dad anymore. She even told her kids they had a new daddy barely a week after the divorce marrying her lover whilst kids were in school, they didn’t even know she was dating!!

sometimes things won’t change but i and my husband and his family know the truth. If skids want to remain blinded to bio mums bullshi* then so be it!!

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll realy loves making up a new version of history. Acording to her, husband wasnt the man she wanted to be with, because he wouldnt pay for a surgery that she needed. This was AFTER she was caught cheating and booted out...so.

THEN her narrative to his family was that he is abusive emotionally and verballly.

yup. rewriting history.

somethingwicked's picture

Yeah, I hear you.

BioHoBag told the skids when they were young teens and growing close to me that their father was cheating on her for a few years with me.

That was  a real magic act since he and I  never met until after hobag and he had divorced ,she then married  her cheat partner very soon following  and a full year later after  WE met then married almost 2 years after that. 

Cheating sleazy biohos gotta cover their cheating ho tracks and they will stoop as low possible to disrupt and destroy others' lives and use their children as weapons as well just so they look like MOTY.

Sorry that happened/ is happening to you.And good for your DH setting the record straight.

My DH tried but it was too late as over a short time the skids were PAS'd out the yin-yang  , recruited as spies for Team Mommy and developed into accomplished ,manipulative liars  just like the old ho.

 

 

halo1998's picture

Beaver tells the kids all the time DH ABANDONED them....that he divorced them.

No you dumbass he divored YOU..not the kids.  He never abandoned them at all.  He has been there every single day for them...to bad SS believes his mother's narrative and is now no contact with DH.