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Stepped out. I’m Done

Letti.R's picture

I ended things with my SO this weekend.  Should have ended it six months ago but I am finally worn down to the point where I just don’t care anymore.

In last week we were talking about how to divide Christmas between my family, his family and what to do about the two SDs.  It reduced me to a flood of tears. What should be a happy time is a mine field of emotional bombs.
This is not what I want in future, for the rest of my life. I don’t want to deal with a personality disordered BM who cannot see her daughter is destructive and needs help. SD is coming home for Christmas after being in juvenile detention for violence.  She beat up a girl at school and punched a teacher so badly, her glasses broke and cut her face. This was after SD has assaulted me, and I told both SO and BM “THE GIRL NEEDS HELP”. BM responded with SD “is not crazy!!”.  No, only angry and violent and as her parent you need to help her!   BM’s solution to everything is drinking, lying or beating up people. ..

I feel sorry for the younger SD. I love that girl. She is the sweetest child ever and it hurt to say good bye to her. SO now has full custody of YSD and she finally has a stable home. EOWE visitation with BM results in some sort of meltdown.  I do not want to pick up the pieces of a mess someone else created.

I called off our engagement six months ago. Since then I moved out, bought my own home.  I don’t want to go into the new year with all this shyte.  I am approaching 30. I don't want to turn 30 with all of this nonsense to welcome me to a new decade...
  I have no children of my own, I have a good job with great career prospects, I have a master’s degree and a supportive group of friends...  Why is my personal life such a bloody mess?  

I do not have the emotional reserves  to deal with  BM’s chaos anymore. I don’t want to see or hear from  OSD.  I don’t want a “used” husband.  I don’t want “second hand kids”.  I am just so tired and I have had enough.  It’s not that I can’t do this anymore, it’s that I don’t want to.  I love SO, but I cannot do this anymore. I don’t even feel sad for calling things off.  I feel tired and drained. This is not going to change no matter how hard SO and I try. Aaargggh! F#ck it, I give up.


tog redux's picture

Good for you, that took a lot of courage. Sometimes "love" just isn't enough and you can't make something work because of factors other than the relationship between the two people involved.

If you disappear from here, though, I will miss your common sense advice.  Sad

Monkeysee's picture

Good for you Letti, once the dust has settled you’re going to feel nothing but relieved! As much as I love my DH & his kids, if I could go back to 32yo me & march her in the opposite direction of steplife I absolutely would. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and no need for steplife! Here’s to a wonderful drama free 2019 for you!

futurobrillante99's picture

It is hard to leave someone you love, but it would be inifinitely harder to stay with him and not be protected from the child he made and the lazy, crazy woman he made her with.

If you're anything like me, it's better to walk away while some love for these men still exists instead of giving them years of our lives only to end up bitter and resentful.

I know if I stayed, I would be a shell of a woman and would have lost myself like his first wife did.

Bravo for loving you well. If the people who are supposed to cannot, then it's up to you to love yourself well.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Brings " New" experiences and peace and joy into your life.

Ending a relationship is always painful but that pain slowly recedes.

Good luck as you move forward .




Jen_Jen's picture

It is a terrible feeling to end a relationship with someone you love because of outside influences you are unable to  control. I admire your strength and courage to do it. To look into the future and see what is coming down the line and say, this is not for me, no thanks. You may be hurting now, but I wish you a future of much peace, happiness and love. You are young enough to find someone without all the baggage of a prior marriage and children.  Stay out of this club and don't come back. 
To rephrase tog redux, I hope you stick around here because I am thankful for your kindness and common sense advice.

In future you might want to avoid "the used husband" and "the second hand kids", but you already know this. Yes 3

Healyourslf's picture

What an empowered post!  Now you are about to embark on a life where you can shine 100% and the cling-ons aren't there to sap it out of you daily.  Those tears of frustration and sadness will turn into turns of relief then tears of joy.  Sounds like you've known what your choice was six months ago. No more scab-picking. You are independent and have so much going for you.  Etch-A-Sketch!!!  Shake...shake...shake! 

I wish you the "shiniest" new year! 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Letti I think you made a good choice. You don't need the choas and the violence. You were simply dealing with too much for everyone else. I'm so glad that you chose you, I'm sure it stings now, but in the long run this is going to do so much for you. As said above, love isn't enough, there are other needed aspects to a relationship. Good for you to see that and then take the steps to find your own happiness. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Wow, good for you. Once you get past the exhaustion of it all, I'm sure it will feel like a weight is off your shoulders. It's hard enough in just a step-family, but then add severe behavioral problems into the mix, and it's almost impossible. I feel for you, because no matter what, ending a relationship is hard. Hoping your 2019 is filled with happiness and calm!

Chmmy's picture

You will look back and be happy you did it before you get married or end up with bios with this man who will be half sibs to the crazy. I wish I had found steptalk before I got married! I may have thought twice before entering Stephell.

You do not deserve to be assaulted. If one of my skids ever touches me, I'll press charges.

Im glad you chose not to wait til after the holidays. Now you dont jave to split you time with family, you choose who you see!

Happy Holidays and by the time the holidays roll around next year, you will be living a whole new life.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Oh Letti. :(  Sending you lots of love and hugs. I am sorry it has come to this, but it is actually for the best. There are serious issues with OSD and your BM is an enabling psycho. For your own peace of mind and happiness, this is the right step. It will hurt for a while, but you deserve love and happiness and this current step relationship has too much drama.

Love and happiness going forward. 
(I am in London during next week so let me know if you want to meet up for a drink.)

Aniki's picture

Letti, I think you made the best choice for your happiness. "SD is not crazy!" WTH. Violent does not necessarily translate into crazy. The girl definitely has anger issues that need to be addressed.

Please stay and continue to offer your valuable advice. {{{hugs}}}

CLove's picture

Im so glad that you got out before getting married! You chose you. We all go through some much in this step life, and no one else understands - but now you can start fresh and you are young with much going on. There is someone out there who will lift you up instead of their baggage pulling you down. I was feeling in a big time fuunk yesterday all day. And just feeling horrible, and that is how you must have been feeling throughout your relationship too. Now just think of it, no more feeling horrible, drained, no more giving your everything for not much coming back.

Hooray! And stick with us, you have much hard won knowledge.

Letti.R's picture

Thank you everyone. It was great to log in as see these words of encouragement after a minging day. I know things will get better, one day at a time Smile

Thank you to all of you for posting today. Thank you to all of you who have shared your advice and wisdom on my and other people's blogs. I have learned so much from all of you. I have even learned to be a better parent even though I have no kids. Being here has been a great education! Thank you for letting me know what my future would look like if I continued my relationship... I recently asked another poster, "why do you stay" and I wondered why I wasn't asking myself the same question. I love my SO, but it is not enough.

I am going to take a break from here for a short bit. I need to clear out my head. I won't be gone too long because I will miss you all too much! When back, I hope you won't give me too much flack for not being a SM *shok*

@ Aniki - Crazy does not mean violent and violent does not mean crazy.... BM didn't want to get OSD help when something could be done and nothing could be done because BM was primary custodian. (Almost typed SO...) Ex SO  has challenged this and is now primary custodian of the girls but it is too late. Damage is done.

@ Myss - Sent you a PM. As long as that drink is to celebrate an escape from stephell, you are on!

@ Jen_Jen - I will definitely try to stay out of your club. Not all divorced people behave like psychos, but maybe I should try someone without baggage in future.

@ CG - thank  you.

Once again, thank you all.
Much love,
Letti Kiss 2