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So Frustrated!

LemonGrassLove's picture

This is going to be long, I'm so frustrated. So, I had an account on here before but was forced to delete it for a variety of reasons. Basically, we have hit rock bottom with Moby (Baby Mama). She's always been unpleasant and unpredictable but when we decided to take back control, she lost her flippin' mind. She was CONSTANTLY telling us we weren't getting him back, we'd only see him on weekends, we'd never see him again, etc. This would happen at least once a week. She even told SO that he'd never see DSS again during an emergency c-section for our BS. She's an uneducated toad of a human who barely finished 8th grade, forget about high school or college. She's jobless except when she needs it to get welfare, she's manipulative, and has hung every single person in her family out to dry. She's a crook and a poor one at that. Currently she has a pending case against her that, I hope, will put her in prison for a long while. Her boyfriend is even worse than she is. He's is going to be put in prison for a long while for his second hit and run. Her boyfriend is an abusive alcoholic drug dealer who's not fit to take care of a gold fish let alone two children, one only a month old, their biodaughter. Even the dirtbags I know think he's a dirtbag.

This is how the whole thing started. She had told us we'd only get to see him on the weekend because 'he cries when we pick him up'. The kid is 3 years old, he cries when he gets out the tub, when SO leaves, when I leave, when my sister leaves, etc. And she says that since he cries, she's concerned that there is something going on. She never blatantly came out and said she "thinks" we're abusing him but she alluded to it heavily. Honestly, I would love to be that kid when he's at our house. We play games with him, teach him colors, go to the park, got him his own bicycle, got him a little spiderman quad, has his own room, etc. He's held responsible for his actions but we try to teach him through play instead of forcing him to sit down with flash cards. At her house, the TV does the teaching/parenting and as a result he's a TV zombie.
But I digress. She said we'd only get him on the weekend so when we finally got him back SO called her and said he wasn't going back to her until there was a parenting plan in place that he'd get him at least 50/50 since that had been the arrangement until recently. The reason for the sudden interest in him was because welfare found out she wasn't his sole supporter and cut off money to her. Now she's trying to get it back.
Moby called in a welfare check that day (The police didn't come to check on him until 6 hours after she called them), which was complete bogus because he's perfectly safe with us and she knows it. She's just trying to stir trouble... Which she did. My SO does not have the greatest past, I'm the first to admit that. But he has made drastic changes in his life for his children and is now an upstanding citizen. Over a year ago a warrant was put out for his arrest for not paying fines, at present they are completely paid off, it was just a warrant that hadn't been taken care of. So when the police ran his name this warrant came up and they arrested him because they had to. Well, when a parent is arrested the other parent is automatically given custody of the child unless there is a specific, legal reason not to. We didn't have one. So they had to pull DSS out of bed at midnight because she insisted on it. And it was all perfectly legal. That was Jan. 29th that this happened.
23 days later we still haven't heard or seen DSS, but we've heard plenty about Moby. She filed a temp. restraining order against SO for both her and DSS which we get to fight (and I have the AMAZING pleasure of leaving work for *heavy on the sarcasm*) on Friday. Her reasons for the restraining order were the event on the 29th, a domestic violence issue in early 2008 (which she was the abuser but because SO has a penis, he got arrested), and DSS crying when he leaves her. Now, I realize that the courts just sign temp restraining orders and just sort it out later but I was FURIOUS when he got served. This restraining order is absolutely RIDICULOUS and everyone knows it.
Which brings us to present day! Moby texted SO's father wanting to meet on Friday. I almost lost it. Part of the restraining order is no 3rd party contact. SO thinks that it won't be considered 3rd party contact since she initiated it and SO's father wasn't passing any messages from him to either Moby or DSS. I am not so sure. We only have to wait 2 days and the restraining order will be dropped, right now the legal system is not on our side so let's poke the lion by chatting her up. They've waited 23 days, hired an extremely expensive (but the best) lawyer, why do they insist on tempting fate by talking to her 2 DAYS before a portion of it will be taken care of!? The lawyer's even hoping that we can resolve all of it on Friday!
It is just so frustrating that we have to sit and twiddle our thumbs waiting for the legal system! EVERYONE knows that their home is a bad situation, both SO and I spoke with the night time SGT who was in charge the night that DSS was taken and he even said it was a bad situation. He didn't have to look up anything, he knew exactly who we were talking about. Which is pretty much depressing all by it's self.
And it's also frustrating that I told them over and over and over and over again that this was going to happen! I said 'One of them is going to keep him from the other until legal action is taken.' I said it so many times I felt like I was a broken record! But they just kept trusting her, kept believing her, kept helping her! This is the same family that had the hide their real silver flatwear (an heirloom from mil's side) because she was stealing pieces and pawning it. This was the same family that said she wasn't allowed to be at the in-law's house without supervision because she's steal expensive tools and pawn them! And yet they still believed she'd give him back every time!
When this whole thing happened I just wanted to yell at all three of them "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU F*CKING MORONS!" But I didn't. I gathered all the information I could find about her and gave it all to the lawyer like a good little girl.
We're pretty sure that the evidence will be enough to take custody from her and get SO awarded as physical custodian with 80/20 visitation. Either that or they'll both be declared unfit.
But the thing that's been bothering me today is the fact that they're going to just let her get away with it again. SO's father is going to talk to her, she's going to say she's sorry, she was scared, we can have him back, they'll ignore what the lawyer says, and everything will go right back to the way it was. There will be nothing legal, no repercussion, nothing. Until she gets another bug up her ass and decides to keep him again then this whole process will start all over again, including (but not limited to) legal threats, police being called, tears, and a severely messed up DSS.
And so I made a decision today. A drastic, possible cruel, decision. I will not be part of their reindeer games any longer and if SO doesn't go for physical custody, if there is nothing in writing that is legally binding then I want no part of it. I will ask him to move out and to find someone who can keep up with their crazy better than me. I realize that when I agreed to date him I was agreeing to enter into some of the insanity but their complete faith in this psycho is just too much for any even semibalanced person to handle. Is this unreasonable? When I got pregnant with DSS's brother I made the concious decision to be DSS's mother as much as I am BS's mother. I decided that there would be no difference in how I treat them and the only visible thing seperating them would be that DSS would visit his biological mother. He may not have come out of my womb but I am his mother. I have kissed boo-boos, given baths, changed diapers, washed clothes, financially support him, and everything that I've ever done for BS I have done at least 10x more times for DSS. All I want to know is when I will see him.


stepmasochist's picture

No, I don't think telling DH stop the insanity or your out is unreasonable at all. I gave my DH a similar ultimatum before we married. I couldn't handle it. BM was a junkie at the time and I couldn't handle the constant worry about the skids. I told DH if he didn't at least make a whole-hearted attempt to get custody of them, I would not stay.

The next month, he quit his job working on the road, found a lawyer and filed. It's now four years later, we've had custody of the skids since June 2008 and BM promptly got herself clean and has stayed that way. I don't regret giving him that choice at all. It changed everyone's, especially his kids' lives for the better and I was able to find some peace.