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Left out mama's picture

this is a vent and that's all it is!! Don't read to much into it or take it literally.

I'm venting, so please don't come at me with how  I'm mean, and unsympathetic. This is the only place I can vent and not have people look at me like I'm a three headed monster.

I guess I'll start there... my SD11 has been such a pain in the ass lately. Just incredibly clingy with her dad. Baby talk, and massively immature. Socially she's closer to a 5 or 6 year old lately. I get that she's going through changes and hormones are a factor. I know when kids go through this part of life, some do regress because they know they are growing up and things are changing and sometimes change is scary. They are trapped between being a teenager and mature enough to be held to a higher standard, and a little kid who still needs to have the security of knowing parents will take care of everything.
also her bio whore is back on a bad path and there has been less and less communication. This makes Sd feel abandoned all over again. I get it. She's going through a really rough period and I do feel bad for her. I've been in her shoes and I know it sucks.

But Jesus Christ! It doesn't make it easier to deal with!!! 
omg! She's been doing a lot of whining, poor me, everyone picks on me crap. And needing to curl up in daddy's lap like a 5 year old.

We have a rule of no screen time for an hour before bed. She comes out and puts a blanket over her head, rolls around on the couch because she wants to "snuggle my daddy" ( I just threw up a litter there) but he's watching tv. So she's constantly trying to get a peek at the tv and moving around to find a new position when she gets busted.We have a couch... that's it. So there isn't really room for 3 of us to sit comfortably. But that's  another vent for another time. She still thinks she takes up as much space as she did when  she was a baby. She has ZERO concept of body and spacial awareness. It's annoying. If I say something, she looks at me like a kicked a puppy. 

now this is not the first time we have been through this. we dealt with it when biowhore was incarcerated.  she gets clingy with her dad, she sees me as someone who is taking him away from her. I'm a threat in her eyes. So she gets super disrespectful, back talk, Dirty looks, and ignoring me when I speak. Plus I'm the mom figure, so what anger she has towards her biowhore that she can't express to her because there is almost no contact ( we don't even know what state she lives in now), gets transferred to me. I'm the mom figure she can take out the anger she has toward her mom on. To sum it up, she gets all needy and clingy with her dad and treats me like shit.

if I express annoyance or say something , I'm an asshole. if I make her feel bad, she's going to be a depressed teenager and make bad choices. At least that's the crap DH says. Stop coddling her!! Just because her moms a total fuck up, is not an excuse to let her act like a toddler! going through a hard time is not an excuse to be an ass!!!

her emotional immaturity is so hard to deal with sometimes. I just want to tell her to grow the fuck up and stop being a little bitch! Or lock her in her room and not let her out until she's 30. Whichever will be effective.

im being sarcastic.. so don't anyone freak out and say Im comitting  child abuse. It's just venting. I would not actually do that.

I saw a comedian recently on you tube. She was talking about the challenges of raising daughters and the emotional drama. She was talking about an incident when her daughter screamed "I hate you !" And the moms response was "I'm so glad you said it first because I feel the same way!" I laughed my ass off because I could totally relate to that

I have fought like hell to get the courts to keep her safe and keep her mother with limited contact. I did it because I do love her and I want her to be safe. But sometimes I really don't like her.

I do have to say though that dealing with this crap, really makes me appreciate my foster parents a lot more and how much I probably put them through. Someone probably should have told me I was an asshole though... I probably would have deserved it and it may have been the kick in the ass I needed.

anywho, that's my vent. I would love if people would share their parenting frustrations. Knowing it's not just me helps.











Ispofacto's picture

I'm not normally on this time of night.  It's funny but I'm feeling the exact same things tonight.  Hugs to you.  You're a good mom.  I know it's hard.

DH and Killjoy moved into temporary housing two years ago and she's graduating soon, so he's gradually dismantling the apartment they moved to.  Bringing his winter clothes home to my house, etc.  It must not feel like much of a home.  Part of me hates her and wants to punch her hard in the face, and part of me feels sorry for her, because her mom is a POS and her only good parent is phasing her out of his temporary house.  She's an big azzhole, but she's also a person.

Being a SM is hard.


TrueNorth77's picture

You are not an ass for feeling this way. I feel this way all the time. I absolutely hate when they coddle because they are children of divorce, or whatever. It is not helping them!! They're just teaching them to be spoiled, under-developed a*sholes. SD12 is good now, but there were times when she'd get clingy and man did it drive me bonkers. Even DH would look confused. 

Crazy (BM) is the worst at coddling skids. SD12 posts like 2 tik toks a day, and Crazy has to comment on every. Single. One. "My beautiful baby girl!" Heart emoji, smiley hearts. "My princess"! Smiley hearts smiley hearts. Sometimes 2 comments on one video. Barf. We live 2 blocks from school and she tells SD she should be getting a ride. 2 BLOCKS. She won't let SS15 walk 4 blocks to work. (Our town has 4,800 people and almost no crime). Then sends us nasty messages about how we "make them walk". SS's work and school are 6 blocks and 95% of the time he gets rides! She gives them no responsibility, teaches them no life skills, and doesn't parent them, so they are completely different kids at her house- disrespectful, agressive. 
Anyway, your DH is in for a rude awakening if he keeps that crap Up. Bio-parenting 101- don't refrain from parenting your kid just because you are divorced and "don't want to be hard on them". I would nip that disrespect to you in the bud though- Tell SD under no circumstances is she going to talk to you that way and then tell DH he better be doing something about it or he's going to be dealing with a very unhappy wife until he does.

Hang in there, my SD is almost only in her room now! 


Left out mama's picture

I envy you. This is the age were they are supposed to pull away and want less time with parents. I would kill for her to want to stay in her room. Lol

Rags's picture

Regardless of what flavor of parent one may be.

I think at some level, we all get your frustration.

How about some direct fact based adjustment of SD-11.  "I am not the mom who abandoned you and got locked up in prison. I am the mom who has been here every day for you and your dad. So, do not treat me like that other mom you hate so much. I don't deserve it and if you keep it up, you will be a miserable young woman and you won't like it one bit. Love ya."

I never had quite this level of SKid angst to deal with. My Skid is smart, always has been. Even at very young ages he understood that this Spermidiot was a POS and that the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool was jacked up beyond salvage. As he grew up this clarity grew stronger for him and he was able to protect himself from their toxic manipulative crap while on SpermLand visitation.  He will be 30 in a few months and has been able to keep them in their place for about 15 years.  It is sad to me that he has had to deal with protecting himself from people who he knows he should love but has no respect for.  When he was young, his mom and I were the ones to keep that side of his genetic world in line.  We knew we would not always be there to do that and as an adult he would need the clarity, deep historical knowledge, and the documentation to keep their asses bare when they stepped out of line.  They still whine and cry about him knowing what he knows about them. But, tough shit.  If they had never manipulated him and lied to him, he would never have had to know the facts.  We would have shared them regardless, though their crap is what forced our hand much sooner than would have otherwise been the case.

justmakingthebest's picture

I can't stand kids that act like that. I have never tolerated that kind of behavior from my own kids because it is so annoying, there is no way I wouldn't snap and say something. 

Probably something like you wrote- Oh my god... I just threw up in my mouth. Why are you acting like this?? You are 11 not 3. But since you want to act that way you are obviously overtired and you need to go to bed. NOW. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I want to kick your DH on your behalf. Having been in foster care, you likely understand SD and what she's going through better than most. You probably empathize, and even sympathize, with her greatly. You get it, it's hard.

But you also know what is needed to overcome that to be a productive member of society, and instead of listening to you with your lived experience with this, your DH makes you out to be the problem. SD needs structure and a productive way to resolve her feelings, not someone who lets her break the rules because he feels sorry for her.

You can totally recognize that someone is going through something hard and understand that is why they are behaving the way they are. You can even allow some of those behaviors, especially when they're working to make things better for themselves. But recognizing and empathizing doesn't mean you have to accept all the bad behavior. SD is showing she needs help and guidance. DH is responding by saying "no, you don't need any of that, coddling will be just fine", which is soothing in the moment. But it creates a kid who is a nightmare to deal with, especially when you're the emotional punching bag because you are the stand-in for the thing/person the kid is mad at.

It's a totally unfair situation to you, and even to SD because she isn't learning the skills she needs to survive. Your DH gets all his emotional needs met at the expense of you now and SD long-term. Again, I want to kick him (figuratively).

thinkthrice's picture

Guilty Daddy problem.

hregal2011's picture

So I have the teen version of your SD.  My SD16 has been back and forth between us and toxic BM since she was 5.  Within the last 2 yrs SD has decided that she will only talk to DH and me when absolutely necessary.  She sulks in her room and continuously has issues with school and hygiene as well as a lack of drive to do anything. She would sit in bed all day if we let her.  She has grown up with some trauma fromBM and now is depressed/anxious/hateful/eating disorder  and has already been to a MH facility for suicide.  No matter how much we tell her we love and accept her, she is this way.  She has some really unfortunate views on things and we know she doesn't feel depressed and such any more-but she has turned into this Horribly Rude creature.  She got a pass for over a year after returning but now it's just Her Way or No way...of course BM caters to her now (she has told us it's guilt from basically being a douche to her).

we have had to basically mourn the loss of the child we thought she would be (a regular kid!) and accept who she is. However, it is very difficult to keep her accountable for her actions and call her out on disrespect.  
your issue is one that will not go away and if she doesn't see a counselor yet I Highly recommend it.  
Reach out if you ever need to talk.