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Actually about MIL

Leela20's picture

Hi all I’m new here and my question isn’t actually about my step child but my MIL.

So me and DH both have one child from previous relationships and we’ve been talking about having another baby I want one he doesn’t so we’ve been discussing it well MIL who actually came to live with us recently over heard.

She turns to me and says you want another baby and I said yeah but not right now ya know and he’s doesn’t want one and I laughed and she just kinda eyed me up and down then turned around and started talking to DH about something different I don’t really know how to take it though I kinda feel like it was a jab but I didn’t say anything.

I just feel insecure when it comes to her because I kinda just feel like she’s never really accepted me she has always tried being super buddy with DHs ex and always defends her when DH says something and she has pictures of her in thier family  collage thing that she just made even though his ex cheated on him and treated him terribly and they broke up years ago.

what do you think?


Leela20's picture

She lost her job and didn’t have anywhere to go

hereiam's picture

How long ago did she lose her job? And why? No unemployment? No savings?

Just curious how it is that she landed on your doorstep!

Is she looking for a job?

MILs like her are the worst.

Leela20's picture

Yeah we discussed it and I said it was ok because it sounded like she was struggling and needed help and I felt bad because if it were my mom I would do the same. He said just a few months till she’s back on her feet but it’s been 4 months so I’m not sure how much longer DH doesn’t seem to want her to leave though so I don’t know.

hereiam's picture

She lost her job 4 months ago or got booted out of where she lived 4 months ago or what? Sorry to be so nosy but ending up homeless because of a job loss has always been a weird fear of mine (so I always tried to be prepared).

I've known people who have lost jobs but did not end up homeless, so am just really curious about your MIL's situation.

Is your husband a mama's boy? I don't understand men who get married but then want their mothers around all of the time.

Leela20's picture

she lost it 4 months ago no no savings and she texted all her kids for a place but the other 2 pretty much said no and DH agreed to let her stay she’s had two jobs since living here but quit them both she’s now trying to become her sick brothers care taker but I don’t know much more than that

Leela20's picture

From what she told us she was staying with a friend and lost her job so she couldn’t pay the rent so they kicked her out. Oh no it’s totally fine I would be curious to.

Well he’s never lived on his own till now he’s always lived with mom or dad even though he’s almost 30 so I feel like the second his mom needed somewhere to stay he jumped on it out of comfort because now it seems like he doesn’t want her to leave 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OP, this woman is not a friend to your marriage and therefore should not be welcome in your home. She had no business inserting herself into your personal conversation.

Head over to Reddit and check out the JUSTNO/MIL subreddit. You'll find plenty of advice and support there.

Please don't consider having a child with this man until he demonstrates that he can stand up to his mother and doesn't allow her to meddle in his life. If he can't do that, you really don't want to bring a child into the dynamic.


Gimlet's picture

There are some red flags here, OP.  The fact that MIL seems unstable and the other two didn't want her there.  No timeline for her departure.  Her sticking her nose in your business while living in your house.  Her inability to keep a job.  Her relationship with BM.

Bigger flags are the fact that your husband lived with parents until almost 30, despite having a child of his own.  He also isn't setting boundaries with his mother. 

Finally the fact that you want a child and he doesn't is a big deal.  Please think long and hard before bringing a child into this.  It sounds like you have some things to resolve with your husband and marriage first.

ESMOD's picture

Gimlet & ExJulie...  Are spot on.

It sounds like perhaps he and his mom were very co-dependent upon each other before you came on the scene.  You may have gotten him out of mom's house but then she really couldn't function without him.. so she ended up glomming on to a friend who lost patience when MIL couldn't keep her end of the bargain up.. which was probably "we will help you for a while.. but not permanently and you need to contribute".

I don't think mom is going anywhere.  I think you are stuck with her.. and I have a strong suspicion your DH is ok with that.. and will expect YOU to adjust.

Add to that fact that your DH and you have different goals about your future.  You want another child.. he doesn't.

For the sake of all that is holy.. do NOT get pregnant in this situation and tie yourself to this guy.  I think you really need to examine him and the relationship and see how serious he is about cutting the apron strings.  You have a big conversation in your future over this.  If he can't separate his mother from himself.. do you want that for your life?

This reminds me of that 90 day fiance thing where the latino woman gets together with a guy who lives with momma.. who is VERY opinionated...  It's likely that MIL was just as big a problem for the EX.. may be why she is an EX.

Harry's picture

She is into your business, and DH isn’t putting her into her place.  The two of them are going to take over all control and power in your relationship.  And your relationship will end.  DH must make a plans for her to get a job and move out ASAP. Even if it means that you have to put up some money to make it happen 

Thisisnotus's picture

omg get her the hell out of your house like yesterday. Tell her to go live with her bestie BM.


notasm3's picture

How old is she? There are subsidized apartments for people 55+ that are dirt cheap.  The ones near me are very nice, clean and safe.