Maybe I am naive
I stumbled upon this site the other day when I was looking for advice on step parenting and bedtime. I have spent the better part of three days reading different columns/blogs and I am not sure how I feel about what I have read. Some of it I understand completely and some of it blows me away. I have even talked to the SO about it and have mentioned that some of the things I have seen on here make me so upset.
Let me explain. I am a 34 year old woman who has never been married and I don't particularly care for children. I have known that about myself for most of my life. As you can tell by my name, I have a profession where schooling was a priority for me and by the time I finally acheived that goal, I looked at my life and realized that I didn't want the financial drain or emotional crushing that raising children requires.
I am lucky in a lot of respects. I was raised by both my parents (at different times) and luckily for me, both parents ended marrying people that I love and respect. I learn a lot about step parenting from these people and both my SM and SD are parents to me. I introduce them as such and while I call them by their names, rather than by mom or dad, it's mostly out of respect for their other children. Neither one of them has any doubt as to how much I love and respect them for everything they gave to me and my siblings.
So maybe that gives me a different take on the step parenting thing. I mean, I was no angel to deal with in my teenage years, and luckily neither one of them ever disengaged from me, simply because they saw it as their duty, no matter what, to raise me to be a responsible and respectable adult, and while I am sure I maybe gave them tons of gray hair in the process, both succeeded beautifully.
I have been involved in the juvenile system for years and I have dealt with my fair share of children who have come from broken or entitled homes. I have seen the scourge of drug and alcohol abuse. I have seen what happens when kids grow up learning that lying is an acceptable means by which to obtain whatever you want. I have dealt with children who have no discipline, who only know the word no, who abuse substances and who think rules just do not apply to them. And for many of those kids, I have been the only stabilizing force in their lives. It has never ceased to amaze me that a child with little to no discipline or respect for adults will snap to when I tell them to, and I realized that every kid needs someone to lay down the law and make them understand that rules are there because they are loved and cared for.
I recently started a relationship with someone who has four children. He has sole custody at this point and the mother is a hopeless alcoholic. I find myself hating her at times but I have to try to remember that any time I feel that way, the kids can pick up on it. The kids are all under the age of 10. He has done the best that he can so far and I have stepped in where I can to help pick up the slack. I used to spend my weekends laying by the pool or going to the theater, or having an actual life. Now I spend my weekends doing laundry and changing diapers and listening to whining and crying. And you know what? I couldn't be happier, honestly.
Are they little nightmares at times who try to lie and manipulate, of course they are. Children learn from the template they are given and mimic the actions of the adults they are exposed to. Do they act selfishly and refuse to help out when asked, sure there are times....but the reality is, every day I can see improvement. Every day I see there are changes that weren't there the day before. Most of the time they are subtle and very rarely are they exactly what I want. But when they say good night and they call me mommy because that is what I am to them, the fact that I no longer have time to get my nails or hair done no longer matters. When the baby coos and jumps up and down when she sees me, when she squirms out of her dad's arms to be held by me that is the greatest feeling in the world. When the three year old goes to time out, albeit begrudgingly, after telling me no, I feel a little battle has been won. When the 6 year old asks if she can cuddle with me on the couch, it makes my heart melt. And when the 8 year old shows such strength and maturity, I couldn't be more proud. But then, like I said, maybe I am naive.
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Comments
This was me until I married
This was me until I married my DH and it all shifted. Hopefully for you it will remain blissful. This site is just a place for us to vent, right or wrong, petty or not...just vent. I wouldn't get yourself all worked up about it. Good luck!
Well said!
Well said!
There is always a honeymoon
There is always a honeymoon period in a relationship, even without throwing in skids, Bms, visitation, CS, etc etc !!!
I think you will find that many SMs on here started out like this, it is a VERY different story ten years down the line with older teen skids or adult skids and situations that never change or a parent or parents who do NOT parent.......
Imagine, if you can, this
Imagine, if you can, this scenario:
You are dating someone who gives no rules, no chores, no expectations to his children because he is afraid they won't come to visit.
He buys outlandish unnecessary gifts all the time to buy the children's affection.
When the children misbehave or disrespect others, he says nothing because he doesn't want his children to hate him.
When you believe there is something that needs to be done, medically or behaviorally, for the betterment of the child, he refuses, claims you are insecure, or jealous, or too hard on the child.
Willing to drop and blow anyone, including you, off if the child so much says "jump" and to be upset about scheduling something and having someone stand you up all the time, or put your needs last, you will be accused, once again, of insecurity or jealousy.
Nevermind a single parent who raises children like that, we all know INTACT families who have raised children like that. What were the results? Spoiled, entitled, disgusting human beings who care little about how they treat others.
Now, imagine you are on the receiving end of it, and having to cater and wait on these hellions.
What would you do, if you could not bring yourself to leave your husband/wife?
This is what the stepparents on this site struggle with every day, so please read into the context of what and why they decided to disengage. If you are one of the lucky few who have a spouse/partner who does not do those things, then your blended family may in fact succeed. Just know that on this site, it is often not the case.
"Vent" being the key word of
"Vent" being the key word of this site....that is why 99% of us are here; to vent our frustrations and horrors to others such as ourselves.
I too gave my situation the benefit of the doubt because I love my bf very much. My bf, myself, his son, and mine would hang out alot together when he had him EOW and yes there were plenty of moments his son was a complete whiney, bratty, bitchy little shit but after his kid (SS10) snapped at me and gave me attitude because I simply asked him if he was ok because he was pouting in the back seat it was like a switch had gone off...I was not having or taking his shit anymore! So I was honest with my bf and told him I dont want to be around his kid anymore and I wont put up with his shit either.
He completely understands and he says that no matter what I feel or how I feel towards his son he still wants to be with me and he supports me and my feelings and backs me up 110% when it comes to his son.
The most IMPORTANT thing for every one of our situations as stepmoms is that we NEED our DH/SO to back us up and be on the same page as us. If they arent then we are screwed before we even start.....
Not all of us have a title
Not all of us have a title that indicates our professions...many of us us have spent just as much time in school and have multiple degrees ourselves...
You state you never wanted kids but now have 4 around you. Eventually after the honeymood period...they will turn.
Kids with a BM like yours will show their scars at different stages...and that where ST comes in.
Having a background in children, I would definately say my SD and many stepkids lack the normative traits of their peers. This is what makes life "magical" for step parents....and as stated above...if the SO isn't supportive, everything goes to heck!
Personally, I have poured 16 yrs of time, love, money, and support into my step...it is impossible to get the full picture of what we have all done for our steps...so don't read into the vents too much.
I think the only reason this site exists is becuse they are brave, giving people like us who have done plenty to help someone else's kid have the life they should have given them!
I wasn't trying to pass
I wasn't trying to pass judgment. I guess maybe my frame of reference is different because of what I do for a living. I have read some of the blogs and I can imagine those situations really suck and there are a lot of people that my heart goes out to. I didn't mean to insult anyone. I just thought maybe from a different perspective some things might seem different. If I offended anyone, that was certainly not my intent.
It's been a few months but I am there every day and every night. I live at my own place but I am there in the mornings before work and in the evenings after work. I don't give him my paychecks and we share the load evenly. He does a lot too. I just help out because four kids can be overwhelming. And he seems to be open to ideas when it comes to discipline. The two older kids are in counseling due to everything mom has done in her drinking and he and I have attended a few sessions together to come up with a parenting plan for them.
So far things seem to be going ok and even our worst days don't seem as bad as some of the things I have read on here, which may be what upset me most. Remember for a moment that I come from a background where I see kids who are abused and neglected in a professional capacity (I am not trying to say that anyone here is doing that by the way) so, because I have limited information from the blogs, that is probably where I come from, so again if I caused offense so be it, but that was certainly never my intention. Like I said, maybe I am naive. I never wanted kids, so this experience so far, while INCREDIBLY tough has been really rewarding. Well, at least so far....
When are we gonna get an eye
When are we gonna get an eye rolling emoticon?!!!
"It's been a few
"It's been a few months..."
Yes, you are incredibly naive and presumptuous.
And I have no doubt that BM
And I have no doubt that BM will push me to the limits and there will be a day that I come out of the box on here swearing like a trucker. I can feel it coming like a freight train, which is maybe part of why I wrote that too so that when it happens and I feel like shit for saying horrible things about her I can go back and read that and remind myself that I don't always feel that way. And I know that probably sounds stupid, but you have no idea the capacity for carrying guilt that I have. Hell, I didn't even write this to offend or pass judgment and I already feel guilty that at least a few people took offense.
I'm sure you didn't mean
I'm sure you didn't mean offense but remember this site is strictly a safe place for us to vent and bitch about a very difficult and painful family dynamic. For all you know your SM had her own avenue to vent about you. Not to go and feel badly about ourselves for our failures of stepmothering. Read the satistics- 65% of marriages with children fail within the first 5 years. It's hard. Your post sounded boastful and condensending. Time to be a bit more humble perhaps.
napamom, I agree. Two pines
napamom, I agree. Two pines made it really clear to me. I think I thought I was writing an introduction. I really like to blog and this is all new territory to me. Instead, I wrote something that (after reading it a second time) came across as arrogant and sanctimonious. I never meant to do that. So I understand why it caused offense and for that I do feel like a shit. I don't think anyone on here should feel like a failure for stepmothering. As my step dad used to say, it's the hardest job he never wanted. I know it's likely to suck more than it will be good. I guess maybe part of it is there are days that I totally see how people on here feel the way they do, and maybe part of the reason I wrote what I did was so that when those days come I can remember I didn't always feel like I wanted to drown them. Or maybe I wasn't thinking at all. I guess I didn't even really think anyone would read it. I saw someone else wrote "here we go again" and I realized that there must be a lot of people who come on here and say things like, "OMG I can't believe you people say these things...." etc., etc., and I didn't even think about that either. I hope for the best and probably should be preparing for the worst. And I definitely need to read and re-read things that I plan to post as I can see now that I didn't really think through what I wrote. I appreciate you and everyone else calling me out on my post.
Ok, for the record, I wasn't
Ok, for the record, I wasn't trying to say anyone on here was stupid or off the dump truck. I refered to what I do for a living as a context to what experience I have with kids, which is admittedly, not much, other than the professional context.
I struck a nerve, I get that, and I really didn't mean to degrade anyone. I guess maybe part of what I said was to tell you as well, that as a former Skid, who was a pain in the ass (and still is) no matter what you do gets through on some level. Even if the ungrateful little shits don't ever acknowledge it. I wouldn't be who I am without my step parents and if you ask them I was the most hateful little asshole on the planet when I was a kid. I admire, honestly, most of the people on this site. I don't see shitty parents or people. I see people and parents who struggle and my heart breaks for a lot of the parents I have read from on this site. I hope that they do realize from a former Skid, you may never hear it but you do make a difference. Even if they never tell you, and if not then I totally get why you would disengage. I hope I never have that experience, but who knows.
I myself am in a similar
I myself am in a similar situation as you. I grew up as a skid and have four Future SD's in my life whom I love. Besides from the BM drama that comes with it for the most part I love having them in my life. I also don't have any bio kids as I put my job and education first as well.
Don't let the other's think life has to be hell or is going to be. It doesn't matter what you say on this site there will always be haters. I have one that follows my blog, posts mean, untrue things that she knows to be untrue and mean and there is nothing I can do about it. There are a lot of people on here that are judgemental and then there are some that are not and willing to offer an opinion without being hurtful at the same time.
I also agree with a lot of your ideas and do not feel that disengagment is the way to go, But that is my own opinion. If someone did that to me, I am sure I would not be the person I am today as I gave my step-dad hell and a run for it and he stuck in there with me and I love him more for that. He didn't have to raise me or choose to keep me as a daughter even after their divoce but he did and I am so greatful for that.
I was talking to my SO about this site and SD11 heard me say a support group for Step-mom's. She asked me why I needed a support group because I was a great mom. I told her that some times adults need a place to talk to other people who are going through the same things. SO and I also mentioned some of the disengements and things other stepmother's do and she told me the cutes thing ever. "Well you just wouldn't do that, your not mean like that. You decided to date my dad and that means you have to be nice to me and if your not well then I would tell you to leave" Now this is from an 11 year old who loves me and is protective of her father.
As you and I know that it is possible to have skids and sparents get along and not all situations are going to fail. I am glad you found the site. Just know that there are people out there that are not happy in their own lives and come here to make other's not happy in theirs either.
I have my Master's in Social
I have my Master's in Social Work and do direct client work with troubled teens...no way in hell does that make me any better/worse at this then any of you. I am kind, giving, caring, compassionate, educated and stepped upon daily, just like the majority of these women. Not sure what Lawyergirl was looking for in her post...
Thank you Redfizz, that's an
Thank you Redfizz, that's an amazing perspective, and I do appreicate it. I agree, it's probably a little honeymoon and easier because I do have a place to go. I won't lie, the idea of moving in is a little terrifying considering I have nice things, and according to my mom, having kids is the reason you no longer have nice things :).
And hypovic, your post made me laugh out loud.
Thank you!
Thank you!
You are not the first person
You are not the first person who has tried to give us all a new perspective, and you won't be the last. You are not so special that we will have a ZOMG moment simply because you put kids in time out and change diapers.
Ok, two pines, I think I get
Ok, two pines, I think I get it and even though I spend my life tyring to get the last word in, I know when it's time to shut up. Thank you because I don't think I realized that was how it would be taken so I do sincerely apologize because going back and reading it, that's exactly how I would have taken it on the other side so for that I am sorry. I really didn't mean that and if that is how it was taken by everyone, then I should remove my foot from my mouth and my head from my ass.
As the posters before me have
As the posters before me have mentioned, we all go through a honeymoon phase when dating men with kids. I thought we were going to be a happy little family when I started dating my DH. But then my rose colored glasses got knocked off my face and I realized that children from a previous marriage can be the biggest challenge to a relationship ever.
You say you've been with your SO for a few months and the kids are already calling you mommy. My only suggestion is to be certain that you plan to be in their lives for a long time if they are growing attached to you as their mom. It sounds like these kids got dealt a bad hand in the BM department to begin with so it would be even more damaging to them for them to grow attached to you and then lose you too.
I'm not saying that will happen but these are things you must think about when committing to a man with kids. You need to be upfront with your SO and know big of a role in the kids lives you want and are able to commit to.
For me, I'm not willing to be a 'mother' to my SD, she has one already. I'm her dad's wife, her siblings mom and hopefully a good friend to her as she grows up. I care about her but there is no mother/daughter connection between us and I think we both can live with that.
Absolutely well said
Absolutely well said
Oh dear, it's one of those
Oh dear, it's one of those posts..Lawyergirl, I will say that I am a SM to 2 kids. 85% of the time, things are actually pretty good. I too feel like I am swooping down with a big SuperMom on my chest while my red cape flaps in the wind. Saving these 2 poor souls from the biggest POS to ever have roamed the Earth. SS19 moved in with us when he was 16. Great kid. Respectful, loving. A bit on the messy and lazy side, but if I am fair I will say that my Bio Sons are just as lazy and just as messy, so it's a BOY thing, not a Skid thing. My SD11 lives with her mom, I get her EOW. Also, a nice kid. Except this kid is her mothers daughter. Same attitude, same personality, the whole nine. I see her living in our house probably within the next 2 years. If not, she'll be doomed, as her mother is not a mother, she is a BFF, confidant type of momma. What you have going for you is you have your own place. Right now, if you get overwhelmed, you can go home. Most of us, can't escape our Skids. Also, because you deal with kids that have less than stellar upbringings, you have a soft spot for kids from messed up backgrounds which will always give you a different perspective. On this site you will find all types, that's what it's here for, so when anyone of us (you included) wants to set the house on fire, we put the matches down long enough to type a blog, get advice and put the matches back in the drawer. Welcome and good luck with your Skids, cause girlfriend... AS YOU WILL EVENTUALLY FIND OUT, YOU WILL NEED IT!