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Am I Being A Bitch

lawannadashun's picture

Ok, I've been married almost 2 years. My husband's 4 year old daughter recently moved in with us. She has been here about 6 months. My husband and his ex states that it's temporary. I'm resentful because neither of them decided to have a conversation with me before making this decision. Her mother initially went to the hospital for heart palpitations, which turned into anxiety which subsequently turned in a cry for help. She texted my husband 2 weeks prior to being admitted into the hospital and asked him to take care of the child for a while until she "got herself together". He now states that he doesn't know if the child will be back with her mother before August. He states that she is unfit. He keeps saying that she is unfit, but he still takes her over there every weekend. So is he only concerned about her safety during the week? So does she get herself together for the weekend? So what's strange is she filed for child support a few months before she moved into our home. She stated that she would stop the child support but he is still back and forth in court about child support. He hold me accountable for being a good mother to his child when he isn't willing to be that for mine. I don't know what to do.


Yosemite's picture

I do not think feeling resentful is being a bitch. I think that's normal. Taking out your resentment on a child would be a different thing.
Other than talking to your DH about your feelings, I don't think there is much you can do about her being with you. He is going to want to take care of his child, especially one that young. BUT that doesn't mean you have to be a good mom to her, you just have to be nice to her. He should be taking care of her. If eventually you blend and you want to be involved with her care that is okay too.
However, if she is going to be with you long term, I would definitely talk with him about getting the CS changed especially if you have combined finances.
As for him not being a good father to yours, he doesn't have to be, he only has to be nice to your kid(s). You have to take care of your kid(s). If he's not nice to your kid(s), you shouldn't stay in the situation. Hopefully in time you will blend and he will naturally want to start being involved with your kids, but sometimes it never happens.

lawannadashun's picture

What's wrong with being truthful and forthcoming? He says that I should take care of hers like I take care of mine. I don't knock him for wanting to take care of his child I knock him for not including me in any decision making regarding our house. I talked to him about the CS and he states that since it's court ordered he has to pay it. Who is he going to pay it to when the child is here. He won't ask any questions and he doesn't include me because he feels that I will ask too many questions. And you're right I learned that he doesn't have to be a good father to mine by experience. His mentality is that the woman takes care of the kids period.

lawannadashun's picture

I give him that. He has the right to raise his child, but he isn't aware of the fact that I don't have to. I honestly didn't think I had to option to say no I'm not raising her since we are married. He thinks it black and white. It is or it isn't. We married so it's automatic that we raise the kids. The thing is that this philosophy only came into play when my SD had to move in TEMP. He thinks that I'm knocking him for wanting to take care of his child when I'm bitter about the conversations he has had with the BM, her step-mother and her dad. Not one time was I included. I know some may say it's not my business, but out of respect and courtesy, I should have been told about the conversations after he had them, not when we begin arguing about something up and then he tells me about them. Thank you both for commenting on my blog Smile

FirstLady's picture

You are absolutely NOT being a bitch. He should have definitely had a conversation with you about the child living with you full time BEFORE he had the talk with her BM. You're right, you probably couldn't have said no because you are married and love your husband. However, that is not something that is decided without your input. It is your home also and he's asking for your help raising the child. Now that she's there you should be kind to her, but that's his responsibility and he should know how you feel about the way the situation unfolded.

hurtandalone's picture

Yeah, I was also not told that the skids (SS6, SD7) were coming to live with us... it was decided by DH and BM then I found out afterwards. They have now been with us 17 months with her not seeing them at all (She lives across the country). It has taken A LOT to get used to and I often feel resentful as well but I know that this is better for them and it SURE is better for me that she is no where around and a non issue in my life.

lawannadashun's picture

You know that would be great if the BM was in another state. Well that is not the case here. He takes her over her mother's house every weekend. He says that he is concerned about the safety and well-being of his child. So is he not concerned about her well-being on the weekend. BM visits are to be supervised and she isn't always supervised so what the hell. He is using this to his benefit because he doesn't want to pay child support. If he feels that BM is that unfit why does he allow her to see her. Why is because he has things he wants to do on the weekend and a 4 year old would hinder that.

lawannadashun's picture

While I'm on the subject I have another SD that is 11. She comes over every other weekend. Problem is he is gone every weekend. Isn't the purpose of going to get her is to spend some time with her? He gets her on Friday, he leaves the house about 9am, and doesn't get back until about 10. Now tell me how u can see some grass at that time of night. It gets dark here about 8:30. Sunday is the same thing. He leaves about 10 and isn't back until 7 or 8. By that time it's time to take her home and her whole weekend was spend here with me and my 3 children. Totally not fair to her. I talked to him about this and he said he just won't go get her and that's not fixing anything. Shouldn't the purpose of going to get your child that you only see every other week is to spend that time with her or that's what I thought.