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Latest On My Phone Problem With SD15

laurabunny's picture

So I read the things that you all had to say on my last post, and they made me realize a few things. Long and short, I need to disengaged from SD15, and probably SS7 and SS6 because their mother runs around like Shrek in a frock bullying and demanding her way into everything. My DH didn't want to talk about it anymore, so I wrote a letter. What do you think?

I have to admit that I have completely failed as a wife to you and as a step-whatever to the kids. I'm just not good at it, and it's time to admit that it just isn't working. What is happening is that I am mourning. When we started this journey, I had illusions that we would create a family that was different from other families but that was based on mutual respect, love, and caring. I am mouning the fact that the family I imagined cannot and willnot exist, and I feel the loss of it, and it hurts. I don't expect the kids to love me, they don't have to. I've built what I consider to be a strong relationship with my girls based on repsect and love, and that is enough. They aren't always perfect, no kids are, and I don't expect them to be. I had thought that treating the other kids the same way would yield the same result. I am simply not a good enough step-mom for that to happen though, it is becoming increasingly clear. When it comes to the whole phone thing, here is what I am really upset about- you are more than happy to respect and honor SD15's feelings and demand that I do the same, but not willing to give me the same courtesy. She stole from me, she is using me, and she is being rewarded by you, her mother, and her mother's family for the behavior- that is what I am upset about, not the phone itself. She got what she wanted- a new phone and she was able to further drive a wedge between you and I and make the situation worse between her mother and you and give her mother's family more ammunition to use next time they decide to threaten me. SD15 won, again, and I'm the one that is left hurting with no one to care how I feel.

I wish you could acknowledge that I have feelings too. Every time SS7 and SS6 disrespect me, it hurts me because I don't know why I deserve it. When SD15 talks crap to her friends, it hurts me, because I don't know what I do to deserve it. When the boys come home with new disrespectful things to say about me, it hurts. A lot. And when you don't address any of it or impose any type of consequence (espeically with SD15, who is old enough to be able to understand the impact of her choices and who should be old enough to handle the consequences of those actions), it tells me that I am not a part of your real familly. I need your support, but it seems that you feel that my asking for it puts you in a place where you have to choose between your family and me, and that's not fair.

So I don't know what to do. It's not about punishing the kids, or making them call me "mom", or anything like that. It's not about you not seeing SD15 or blowing up at me about how I'm ruining your relationship with her. It's not about her family and making them behave like decent human beings, because that won't happen. But the bottom line is that I don't care what happens outside of our house, and you can't (and shouldn't be expected to) control it. But we can and should control what goes on in our house, in our family, without using the excuse that it's BM's world and we just live in it. I don't have the answers, because I'm not clear headed enough to have an opinion anymore. So what do we do? Becasue this isn't working. SD15, BM, and BM's family are destroying us. Chalk it up to my "lockjaw" or my being a bitch that can't let go, or whatever you want to. But perception is reality and that is the truth. What do we do now?


Ommy's picture

I personally think that you should rewrite this several times get all your angry out in drafts. Also talk about the disengaging. Let him know that it might be the only way to save your marraige. That you will no longer do anything for them besides safety. He is to provide, rides, activities, gifts, food, everything. Let him know that it is because of the disrespect that things have come to this. If things change you will adjust accordingly.

The only reason i say this is because it sounds like there is anger in the letter u have written, you have every right to be angry but i believe a letter like this should come more across like you are broken down, he could get very defensive with what you have writen but please understand that this is just my thought you have to do what you feel is best for you. Good luck.

laurabunny's picture

You are probably right. This was like a 3rd draft, but I don't know how to tell him that it's gotten to the point that I'm strongly considering doing something BIG to get his attention. And I feel so bad complaining to you, because you have got to win the prize for biggest psycho bitch BM in the world. Good thoughts and blessings your way, fast recovery for your hubby-to-be and to you. Best wishes for a successful prosecution of BM too- she is the reason that step moms fear to travel that road.

laurabunny's picture

I do want to thank you. What you said yesterday as far as looking inside me to figure out why I was so worked up about all this is what helped the most. It's easier to be pissed off at the skids for individual acts, but when it comes down to it, I'm hurt by the things they do. Maybe by taking this approach with them, I can help me figure out what is going on. In the past year, I've been through hell. I had a very bad person come into my life and do very bad things to me. I've gone through very bad things at work. My DH lost his job before Christmas (although I'm very proud that he found a much better one now!). My dad had a stroke yesterday morning, less than a month after I was able to re-establish a relationship with him after 3 years of cold war. And the skids and BM drama is just too much. I think I need therapy or something. Doc already has me on heavy duty meds because I am breaking down. I think at this point, it's like you said- I have to either get the heck out or start accepting that by not making that choice, I am partially responsible for my own misery. I love DH, and SS16 (who I truly adore), and my BD6 and BD9, so they will be my family. The rest of the skids will be guests who my DH has over to stay a few days a week. His guests, he can cater to them and take care of them and buy them stuff, etc. I will happily cuddle with my BDs and watch TV with them in my room and play with them, since they want my love. And I think it's the first step to making all of this better.

Jsmom's picture

I agree with the others, write several drafts before you send it. Also, sit on it for a day or two. But, I also, don't like you blaming yourself. This is not your fault because you weren't a good stepmother. There are other forces at work here. Don't take all the culpability, if you do, it will be thrown back at you. Trust me, I said early on I was probably not cut out for this. I was wrong, it wasn't me, it was BM and SD. Nothing I did was going to make a difference.

Take it easier on yourself during your next draft...Not your fault, place the blame where it should be.

Kes's picture

Agree with other posters - mull it over for a while. I also concur with JSmom's comment about it being not your fault that you didn't create the perfect stepfamily - if you haven't already read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin, I suggest you do so, to get a greater understanding of the issues at play here.