Update on adopting SS's
BM's attorney called today, Saturday, to tell us that tings have changed. Since BM has no one to adopt SD2.5, DH doesn't have to give up his rights and BM still wants to give up hers b/c she doesn't want to pay child support but until I actually adopt them, she could be held liable. So here is what we plan on doing, I am going to adopt SS's, then we are going to turn right around and go for, at the very least, visitation of SD. The order is going to state that no CS is exchanged and when we get visitation, which will have to be gradual at first since SD has only seen DH 3 times since she has been born due to BM's bullsh**, once we have established visitation, we will then go back in for custody. Apparently BM fears that SS's will cause her to lose SD yet at the same time, she has told her attorney that she doesn't thik she can handle SD much longer. Still a power play for her at this point, but at least this way, she can NEVER harm the SS's again and DH doesn't have to give up his rights to SD. The part that I wonder about is that BM wants to see SS's to say good-bye to them, so she says, but she hasn't had any contact with them for almost year except for calling to tell them she is giving them up. Should we bring them or do you think that this is only a way for her to screw everything up?
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I would not do that
I would not send a child to a person that hasn't seen them in a year, just to say "hey I'm giving you up for adoption." Adoption is a beautiful thing, and you are a wonderful person to step in and receive those boys without a second thought. Those boys are really lucky. But they don't need that torment. Just do the legal stuff behind the scenes and move on w/o her, and w/o telling the boys more than they need to hear.
I think it would hurt their feelings for them to actually hear their bm say "goodbye". I'm no therapist, but that is what my gut feeling has to say about that.
Bests,
Candice
No goodbye!
It sounds like you guys have all your ducks in a row and I'm so happy for you that it's going to work out. I say no to the formal goodbye, though. They don't need to experience this as a loss. Nothing will change for them on a daily basis, so there's no reason to put them through any unnecessary pain and suffering just to make her feel "good" about giving up her children. My husband adopted my son from a previous marriage, because his father left during my pregnancy and waived his rights in our divorce. My son was almost four when I remarried. The adoption was just a formality, since my new husband was the only daddy my son ever knew. He's nine now and does know that Daddy is not his BF and he's okay with it, but I wouldn't have put him through the trauma of a goodbye.
There's nothing to say goodbye to... this is a beginning, not an ending. They aren't losing a mother. You can't lose what you never had. They are gaining a mother and that should be the focus now.
I wouldn't be surprised if a couple of years from now, you end up with SD, too.
It takes a very special person to step in and be a father or mother to someone else's children and take them on as your own. You'll have your ups and downs, but you are doing a wonderful thing.
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
Thank you both so much
I was thinking it was a very bad idea also. We figured that she would only say something mean and hateful to them. Probably along the lines of "you're never going to see your sister again" and since they're so young, they don't understand all the legalities in something like this so they would probably believe her for the moment. Also, I agree that they should be told only the basics, only what they need to know. When they get older and want to know more, they have every right to find her and ask why. My heart hurts for them b/c even though she hasn't been around in forever, she is still their mom and how awful it must be to know that she doesn't want them anymore.
They are really excited. We've told them that I get to be their mommy legally now and that no one can ever take them away. SS8 broke my heart when he said "does that mean you will NEVER give us away?" Oh God, of course not. How could I? I love them so much.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.