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I am 25 and I am a widow.

lastchance's picture

Submitted by lastchance on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:23pm

My husband killed himself on 9.23.2010. He drank for the first time in a very long time and he was never the same person when he drank. He didn't like himself and he didn't like how is drinking affected his family. He killed himself and he took my life with him.

He left a note. Most of it was drunken ramblings. The things that did make sense, were his failures...

He felt like a failure because he had child support to pay, but couldn't get a job. He couldn't get a job and they wouldn't reduce his support. His debt kept growing and growing until he felt buried under it. Like it was inescapable.

Because he loved his daughter, but he wasn't allowed to see her. Because we tried to get visitation but were denied because SHE had an open CPS case in her state/county and SHE lied to them about his involvement and the type of person he was. They chose to believe whatever she said. They chose to believe her, despite the proof we had to the contrary.

And for what? So that a woman that CHOOSES to not work, that CHOOSES to live off the system, that CHOOSES to bring more children into this world that she can neither support or raise successfully, that has substantiated neglect cases, and children that look malnurished, can live without lifting a finger herself. Can keep her children, that she is not capable of caring for.

So that the state can earn their 'fair share' for supporting these unwanted pawns?

If the support had been lowered, been brought to something that was fair and justified, would it have changed this situation? If he had been allowed to see his daughter, to have a relationship? Maybe. Maybe not. It WOULD have given him one less reason to want to die. One less failure. One less. Maybe that would have been enough. I don't know.

Even with my husband, making this stupid decision and giving his life because of this bullshit, it still continues. I am trying to get his CS case closed out. All I wanted to know was what the process entailed. The answer I got was "nothing more from you". Great. Fine. But that's not what I wanted to know and that's not what I asked. Can you not tell me how it works? Can you not give me an estimated time line? What happens to his arrears? Who gets notified? How? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING YOUR GOD DAMN JOB????

You didn't adjust his support when he lost his job because "it was not a significant enough change in circumstances". How going from $1500/month to nothing is not a significant change, I don't know. You didn't adjust it after 6 months and he wasn't able to find a job. You didn't adjust it after a freaking YEAR, and he still couldn't get a job. And now, you can't even tell me how this works. You can't take 2 minutes out of your day to explain the process to me. Is the information top secret? Or are you just an asshole? I'm leaning towards the latter.

All of this is ridiculous bullshit. Does it matter in the grand scheme of things? You bet your ass it does, when it costs you someone you love more than anything and anyone else in this world.

Comments

Moon Child Step Mom's picture

Submitted by Moon Child Step Mom on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:29pm

Can I do anything for you….?
Seriously… PM me if there’s ANYTHING I can do for you…
My heart is broken.

Is your pregnancy ok..?

lastchance's picture

Submitted by lastchance on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:40pm

so far. Dr has me going every week to make sure it stays that way...plus I get panic attacks when I think it's not ok.

Moon Child Step Mom's picture

Submitted by Moon Child Step Mom on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:43pm

You are so very strong… I know your baby has its mother’s strength. ***HUGS***
This time is for your healing… and preparation for your child to come into the world. Please concentrate on you and the baby’s well being and PLEASE keep a tight support system around you, don’t try to carry this alone!!!

I’m very serious… contact me if you need anything… I have some experience in this nightmare situation.

dotherighthing's picture

Submitted by dotherighthing on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:32pm

I'm terribly sorry. I wish I had some answers for you - I do think you came to the right place for some good advice though. There are many caring people here who have been through a lot and they are willing to share their insight and offer support. Just keep taking it one step at a time. I wish you all the best.

lastchance's picture

Submitted by lastchance on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:37pm

There's nothing anyone can say. But thank you all and everyone that reads this after for your thoughts.

I am so so so very angry with this system that we all complain about so often. If it were different, more fair, would he still be here? Maybe. Maybe not. I can't help but think it would have made a difference though. One less thing to feel crappy about could have made all the difference....

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:43pm

My heart breaks for you & your child. Through your child you will always be able to have a part of him with you. I am so sorry.

sweethoney's picture

Submitted by sweethoney on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:46pm

Sad .. I wish there were the right words to say in these situations, I'm very very sorry for your loss.

Colorado Girl's picture

Submitted by Colorado Girl on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:46pm

(((((((lastchance))))))

I won't try to find the words. I know what it's like to lose someone to suicide. It's a whole new set of rules when it comes to the greiving process.

Take care of you.

milknosugar's picture

Submitted by milknosugar on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:49pm

I am so sorry too. I feel so much for you and I agree that the system is completely unfair. They don't know what they do.....

Please - don't let this eat you up inside. They were wrong but a resentment like this is like drinking poison yourself to try to get back at them. All your instincts have been affected but in the end you can only control you. The best revenge is living well and being happy. This is what your darling husband would want for you.

Hugs to you.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 2:57pm

My condolences on your loss. When good men who want to support their kids have no recourse but to take their lives you know the system is broken. Very, very broken.

PM me if there is anything I can help you with.

Best regards,

Happyhippos242's picture

Submitted by Happyhippos242 on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:00pm

I'm very sorry for your loss. Please try to stay strong for yourself and your baby. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:00pm

So horrible to have to pay high child support and STILL don't get to see the child(ren).

My condolences are so insignificant in face of what you are going through.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:02pm

I am so sorry for your loss. If I remember correctly you have a baby on the way? Please, PM me if there is ANYTHING you need! I would be more than happy to help in ANY way Sad

MARLA_823's picture

Submitted by MARLA_823 on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:02pm

I'm so sorry this happened. I wish you were given the chance to find out if things would be different. I agree keep your friends and family close to you.

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:05pm

I am also so sorry for your loss, I cannot possibly understand the pain. I feel so bad. Please try to get support as much as you can and care for yourself and your baby to be. Again, sending you prayers and a hug!!

libby's picture

Submitted by libby on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:06pm

What state are you in? This needs to be brought to the attention to the Dept of Health and Family services! This needs to be brought to the attention of the paper, and the governor!

Ladies! When I yell I go straight to the top! And know I have the state on mine and DH side, every time BM asks for an increase (every 3 months) they deny her!

I have been so rowdy in my state I have contacted the ACLU, I have the case worker on speed dial, and the head CSE for the state on speed dial, They may roll there eyes when I call but it because they know I right and will quickly name of the statue!

((((((HUGS))))))))))

klynn's picture

Submitted by klynn on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:11pm

My heart also breaks for you. You are obviously a very strong woman and you will get through this. Your baby is blessed to have you as it's Mama. Cherish the life that you will soon bring into this world and know that your husband will be watching over you both.

WickednNasty's picture

Submitted by WickednNasty on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:13pm

First of all please except my sympathy regarding your loss.

I too was married to a man who did the same thing.

Once he dies there is no such thing as Child Support any more as there is no longer income, which I understand stopped sometime ago also. Send the Child Support division a certified copy of his death certificate.

The case is closed, unless he has an estate, which I doubt. If he has an Estate the BM can file a claim against it for the back CS.

Best of luck to you. If I can be of any further assistance please feel free to ask.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:28pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you have family and friends close by to support you and help you through the rough days. My thoughts are with you.

JustAnotherSM's picture

Submitted by JustAnotherSM on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:43pm

lastchance - you have my sincerest sympathy for your loss. My best friend's brother also committed suicide. He was only 27 and he also suffered the loss of a job, CS obligations that could not be reduced, and visitation with 2 kids that was consistently denied by BM. Drinking also contributed to his death. My friend found help through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (www.afsp.org). I will be praying for you and your baby.

anabihibik's picture

Submitted by anabihibik on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:45pm

I'm so sorry for all you're going through right now! If there's anything I/we can do, please, tell us. We're happy to be a shoulder/ear. Big hugs to you, lady. Please, continue to take care of yourself.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:46pm

I was widowed young as well. Trust me I understand a lot of what you are feeling. There is a website that I think will help you. Please PM me to talk. The site: www.ywbb.org It was started by some of the widows of 9/11 and helped me through some very dark times. Some of my dearest friends have come from the site.

So sorry for the hell you are going through and will continue to go through for a long time...I have lots of advice when you are ready for it. Again I am so sorry for your loss. <>

Also, make sure you apply for Social Security now for your child. You can get it started in time for the delivery...Beaurcratic hell trust me.

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:47pm

I'm so very sorry. Please try not to worry yourself over his CS case. There really is nothing that you need to do at this point to close it out. You've got much more important things to tend to now. Keep you and your baby healthy and happy. That's all that matters.

lastchance's picture

Submitted by lastchance on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 8:50pm

i feel compelled to ensure its closed out. this is one of the things he considered to be his failures. i have this need to make it go away. it doesn't bring him back...but i want to at least know its stopped now.

lastchance's picture

Submitted by lastchance on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 8:48pm

yes. she already has. we told her on a friday, she had her ass there the following monday. she needed his SS# so she called his mom. she couldn't remember it and told her she'd have to call her back later when she had a chance to talk to me. BM immediately sent me a text asking for it. i shoulda told her to go to hell.

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 4:14pm

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
So sorry for your loss...and remember that you will always have a part of him in your child...

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 5:01pm

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. May your little one be blessed with the same strength, fortitude, love and grace you are showing at this sorrowful time.

((( Hugs )))

We are all here for you. As others have written, please don't hesitate to PM me, if I can ever lend an ear or a shoulder.

CowGirl's picture

Submitted by CowGirl on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 5:32pm

I am so very sorry for your loss hun!! ((hugs))

Take care of you & the baby.
Lots of prayers coming your way!!!

Synaesthete's picture

Submitted by Synaesthete on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 5:34pm

There are no words. Sad I am so, so sorry for your loss, lastchance. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your baby in these dark times. <3

Mamma Jamma's picture

Submitted by Mamma Jamma on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 5:34pm

I am so sorry for your loss. How senseless. Stay strong for your baby's sake, he/she needs you more than ever now. I was widowed young also, I remember the pain. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it WILL get better. If you need anything, just ask.

lastchance's picture

Submitted by lastchance on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 9:32pm

she did and i have gone once to a counselor. i will give her another try, but i didn't really like her the first time.

instantfamily's picture

Submitted by instantfamily on Wed, 10/13/2010 - 12:24am

If you didn't connect- by all means try another one. Counselors are as varied as there are people in the world. You may have to shop around, but it is YOUR choice and don't feel bad for ditching the first one if you don't connect.

You wouldn't go to a car dealor or a barber if they totally misinterpreted what you were looking for. Take that same approach with a counselor.

SoTired1's picture

Submitted by SoTired1 on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 7:13pm

My condolences are offered to you in your time of mourning. CPS/Courts have failed yet another family. [SMDH] Sad

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 7:37pm

Gosh this is terrible honey. Big, BIG hugs to you. (((((((((((((((lastchance))))))))))))))))))

Stay and talk with us

mom2five's picture

Submitted by mom2five on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 8:16pm

(((hugs))) I am so very sorry.

Please know that you and your precious baby are in my prayers.

StepMadre's picture

Submitted by StepMadre on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 11:53pm

I, also, don't have the words to express my sorrow for you. What a horrible, awful thing to go through! I'm so sorry and I wish you and your little baby the best. Hopefully, your child together will keep his memory alive and appreciated every day and you are still connected to him strongly through your baby, as well as the love i'm sure he had for you. Suicide is so tragic and the worst part is the guilt and wondering if it could have been prevented (survivor guilt). Just remember that you did not make the choice to lose your husband and that no matter what personal grief he was grappling with, it is NOT your fault that this happened. Take care of yourself and i'll be sending prayers your way!

instantfamily's picture

Submitted by instantfamily on Wed, 10/13/2010 - 12:15am

You are embarking on a whole new, unplanned, journey. My heart goes out to you. I had my FDH read this as well- as someone who attempted suicide when he was younger I thought it was important for him to see how it impacts those who love you (although I know he knows and is older and more aware, it's a good reminder).

No amount of child support or being buried in that is worth taking your life over and it sounds like your husband had some other inner demons he was struggling with. Please definitely continue to post so that those of us who have some level of expertise in whatever area you may need help in can respond to you!

Take care of you. You and that baby.

LizzieA's picture

Submitted by LizzieA on Wed, 10/13/2010 - 9:22am

I am so sorry about this. How about talking to the press? This should be a scandal...a-holes! Now BM will have to get a job!

B's picture

Submitted by B on Wed, 10/13/2010 - 1:44pm

LastChance,
What an absolutely horrible turn of events! I'm absolutely devastated you thinking of everything you have been through. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling/going through. My heart goes out to you. Your life has been drastically changed and I can imagine that you're having to rethink pretty much everything you had planned. Sad I will definitely keep you and your baby in my prayers. Take care of yourself and that precious little one you are carrying, that needs to be your focus now. If you need someone to vent to, let me know - I'll pm you my email address.

Hugs to you.

tofurkey's picture

Submitted by tofurkey on Wed, 10/13/2010 - 2:22pm

I am so sorry for your loss. Your post really proves how f&cked up the system is....There will be a special place in hell for that woman.

unbelieveable's picture

Submitted by unbelieveable on Wed, 10/13/2010 - 8:00pm

We're all very sorry. I would send a letter to the mayor. Let that Mayor know of your circumstances.