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His ovaries are bigger than mine...

LARoman62's picture

Submitted by LARoman62 on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 2:13am

My bf pestered the hell out of me for months to move in, now I regret it.  Step-parenting was sprung on me after I gave up my job and place to live.  I had little choice at the time, or so I thought.  I could have run back to my job, retracted my notice, continued to work, then pushed to get an apartment ASAP.  Now I deal with a 24 yo self-entitled, addicted, college drop-out, who has refused to work this last year.  I can’t stand to be in the same room.  His parents, especially his dad, created this monster by enabling the hell out of him. My bf is kind and giving in many ways, but I come last, if at all.  He has gone into $80,000. in debt for this kid’s “education” (5+ years then quits after flunking yet another class). The other half of the loan is in the son’s name, so basically, dad is on the hook for the whole $160,000.  Daddy is so afraid his son will leave and not communicate with him.  The entire thing is unnatural; I swear he has ovaries! The man washes his clothes, dishes, pays car insurance, replaced 2 cars, looking to buy a 3rd., cleans his room, gives him cash, and puts money on a debit card so he can gamble, buys him special groceries, and take out food 5 nights a week.  My So is disabled and not a rich man.  He is using his retirement money to pay for this lifestyle.  I hope he doesn't think I'm giving up a dime of mine!  The whole thing is twisted.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 6:22am

Welcome - are you not working? If not, time to get a job and make sure you have an exit plan. This type of thing usually continues on until the enabling party wants it to stop. Your BF is as addicted to helping/saving his son as his son is to drugs.

(From your ovaries comment, it sounds like you expect men to be stronger than women - in my experience, that's not true).

LARoman62's picture

Submitted by LARoman62 on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 11:43am

I don't expect men to be stronger than women, it was an observation with added sarcasm.  I do however expect a 24 yo adult to take care of his own personal needs.  At first I thought they were just close, but it is cristal clear there is an incredibly deep codependency.  I went through this with my own daughter and detached with love when she reached 26 yo.  I gave her more time as she is bipolar and has mild-moderate LDs.  As for myself, 32 years sober, but I have been forbidden to share any resources with him, not that he'd listen.  The kid knows I can pick him off when he is high so he avoids and ignores me.  I did my time with this shit and don't want it again.  I agree, jobs are open like crazy and I plan to sport one soon.  Money isn't my problem as I set aside a part of my savings to get past the lockdown.  I also make money from the state as a respite caregiver for his mom with Alzheimer's.  I pay my way in the household with that.  I was a CHHA for a decade so I can handle her, but she is being neglected because my SO is consumed with his son's needs.  He is a kind and loving man I dated 35 years ago.  We messaged, called, and Facetimes nearly a year before I moved up but he hid all of this and I'm pissed.  I'm going to go to AlAnon for sure if I stay.  Hopefully he will join meetings as well.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 12:51pm

I guess I took "his ovaries are bigger than mine" to mean he's more of a woman than you and therefore weak.  
 

Well, you've been duped. At the very least get a job and move out until he demonstrates that he can address this issue with his son. 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 7:45am

Get the hell out of there.

Always follow your gut. If he had to pester you to move in, you knew it didn't feel right and shouldn't have done it.

Why did you give up your job?

LARoman62's picture

Submitted by LARoman62 on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 11:53am

Because I'm an idiot and was thinking with my crotch *dash1* We lived 730 miles apart.  I knew him 35 years ago, we dated briefly, but I flaked out on him. Anyway, after calls, messages, texts, and FaceTime for nearly a year we wanted to be together.  My So is kind and loving, I just didn't know how codependent he was.  His son was away at college so I thought he should be fairly responsible.  Besides he had another year away.

LARoman62's picture

Submitted by LARoman62 on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 12:01pm

No.  However, I get paid some by respite care to help him; it covers my costs to live here (he has COPD and had OHS). She has full blown Alzheimer's.  He presented her as "forgetful" bullshit!  I was a CHHA for 10 years so I can handle her okay.  But when he leaves the house for long periods it can become "the Wild West show".

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 8:49am

I would immediately find a job and start putting money away. Their is no future with this man, he is going to be struggling for the rest of his life financially because of his enabling.

 

LARoman62's picture

Submitted by LARoman62 on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 12:12pm

I know people can recover from both addiction and codependency, however, I refuse to take that roller coaster ride.  I need to move back down south (I transplanted lol) it is peaceful and beautiful there.  My old company is a government contractor and always need people.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 11:57am

We messaged, called, and Facetimes nearly a year before I moved up

I wondered if it had been a long distance relationship. Horrible way to get to REALLY get to know somebody (dating somebody 35 years ago doesn't count). As you now know, he hid a lot from you about who he is.

Personally, I would not plan on staying. Had you known who he really is (a co-dependent, enabler, who neglects his mother), would you have moved in with him? Even kept dating him?

I guess we know why he wanted you to move in so bad. You deserve better.

LARoman62's picture

Submitted by LARoman62 on Sun, 05/23/2021 - 12:27pm

Yes it was, 730 miles apart.  I took it very slow and waited nearly a year because I knew it isn't the same as being able to date in person.  His son was away at college so a lot of this crap wasn't out there for me to see.  He himself is kind and loving but the codependency is off the charts with this kid (big reason mom gets neglected, only so much of him to spread around).  I plan on going to AlAnon for my sanity, continue keeping my money far away and separated from his, and looking for a house I can afford back down south.  From here on out no more "relationships" or living together crap, just a "FWBs".