I'm worried for my little ones...
It's been one year exactly since DH has had sole custody of SD10. It's not going well. She is a very miserable, disturbed child. She is in couseling, but I'm not sure if it's going to help. The therapist says "she has experienced extreme trauma." The therapist does say that because SD is opening up and talking about "things" that she is making some progress. The "things" are things BM has done and caused.
I am having a few problems and I'm not sure how to handle them anymore. I thought things would get better, but they're not. It seems to be getting worse and now I'm afraid for BD6 and BS3. I am afraid that SD will take her mean behavior one step further and make it physical. What worries me the most is BD6 loves SD SOOO much, I'm worried she wouldnt come to us and tell us if SD is hurting her. She refuses to admit that SD is mean to her, even when DH and I witness it (We don't allow it.) SD usually isn't mean to BS3 like she is to BD6. I really don't understand why or how she could be so mean and hateful to such a sweet little girl. BD6 is a very veryyy happy girl. She is loved by everyone who meets her. BD6 is just a very open and loving little girl and I can't fathom how anyone, especially an older sibling, could be mean and hateful to her. It's so sad to see and it breaks my heart that BD6 is so loving and loyal to SD, that BD6 denys the emotional abuse. Maybe SD isn't as mean to BS3 because he has a back bone and will run to DH and I and let us know if someone is hurting him. I don't know what to do.
Lastnight SD seemed to be having a normal day, until BD6 came out of her room wearing an old outfit that use to be SD's. Last weekend DH and I were going through stuff in our garage and found a bag of SD's old clothes that were too small(That SD chose to give away). DH and I started going through the bag and we found 2 shirts and 1 pair of shorts that were cute and would fit BD. She loved the shirts and said she would sleep in the shorts. Anyway..lastnight SD did a big huffy breath when BD came into the front room. We didn't know what the problem was and SD said she was fine. We asked what the problem was again and SD said nothing was wrong. But, for the rest of the night, SD had a big fucking attitude and we could not figure out what set her off.....until now. 30 minutes ago I went into the girls' room to get laundry..SD has her journal open on her dresser. My name was highlighted. I looked and read it. If she didnt want me to see it, she should have hid it like she hides everything else she doesn't want us to see, I feel that because she left it open she wanted me to see it and besides..My name was HUGE and highlighted. It read something like this:
"So, listen to this. Lastweekend i went to my grandparents house and 'LareMareOssa' decided to go thru my shit and give 'bd' a bunch of my clothes that STILL fit me!!!!!!!!! im pissed off. its ok i hate 'lamareossa' and she hates me."
I have done everything I can to try to get close to her. I have done everything I can to be a good step parent to her. Honestly...I don't give a rats ass if she "likes" me. I am not here to be liked. I am here to raise her and our children to the best of my ability. I am not here to be her friend. I am here to be a role model and parent, even if she hates me.
Today, BS and I went over to visit my mom and grandmother and my grandmother asked how SD and the kids were. I told her everything is fine and my grandma said "Ya know, I've known that little girl was quite disturbed from the moment I met her when she was 3. Something is off with her, and I'm afraid for the little ones...now tell me what really going on." My grandmother rearely sees SD and for her to say something like that without me going into any detail really scared me.
Something else that really, really scares me is how SD will change in a split second. One moment SD will be playing happily with BD and then in just an instant, SD's face will go completely blank and she will stare at BD6..the look on her face gives me chills. Honestly it looks like she's not "there" ..nothing behind her eyes and it looks like she could snap and kill BD6. When this happens..SD gets distant for hours. Apparently, the reason for this is that someting that happens in that instant reminds SD of something that has happened in the past and it brings back bad memories. I dont care what the cause is, it scares the living hell out of me.
I'm so lost and worried..I'm in a battle with no possible chance to win.
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We haven't thought about
We haven't thought about changing therapists bcause it's new. We just started this last month, and SD said she is really comfortable with her couselor. DH had always said that SD needs help, but he never pushed it and also our insurane didn't cover mental health and unfortunatey we couln't afford it until recently. We just got this new insurance so we'reable to get SD Some help. BM has had SD all her life, until last Jan when DH got sole custody wih BM having supervised visits.
I hate to admit it out loud, but I didn't see the serverity of her issues until she was actually livng with us and I also think that DH was in denial about his daughters issues.
I'm not sure how "fast" therapy helps, or if at all, but if her behavior doesn't change soon, we will have to take your advice and go another route.
I can not continue to allow our children to live like this.
First things first make sure
First things first make sure you protect and keep and eye on the younger kids. In the beginning when SD12 first started visiting (then SD10) she was going through something like this.
I have a 5 yr old neice that I have help to raise. My sister is a single parent and she worked wierd shifts at a hospital. I practically rocked this kid to sleep 3 nights a week from the ages of 6 months to 4yr. and was in a sense another parent to her. I look at her as I do my own BS12. She regards me as a parent. SD (now 12) has always been jealous of my neice . .she really doesn't pay BS any attention but she loves for my neice to follow her around and beg her to play. Her attitude is much like your SD. She can turn in an instant. I really don't think she and BM bonded very well.
We have a pool and the older kids (SD10/BS10) knew the rules. My neice was about 3 at the time. We have latches and speaking alarms on all of doors as an added precaution for the pool. One Saturday we had a BBQ and the kids were going in and out all except 3 yr old neice because she was too little. We were constantly telling the kids to make sure they closed and latched the door so the little one could get out and get hurt. I was in the kitchen at one point and watched SD bring my neice upstairs (which she knew would upset her because she couldn't go out) she then slipped out of the door leaving it cracked just enough for my neice to get out.
Now remind you we had been preaching, and preaching pool safety and all the bad things that can happen and how we all need to watch out for the little ones and be careful. SD thought this was funny. I was livid! I ripped her a new one. I swear until this very moment I had not realized it but I think this was the turning point in our relationship. I had watched her be mean and rude. . . not speak to people and generally display some odd behavior but I always just brushed it off as her just being a kid. This made me see her in a different light.
I'm not trying to scare you but you do have some valid concerns. Please keep an eye on those babies and get her some additional help. Unfortunantly, DH and BM don't seem to think my SD has any issues and she's more distant and brooding than ever.
Keep a close watch on SD;
Keep a close watch on SD; don't let her spend any time alone with your daughter. My mom used to work with a woman whose SS killed her BS. There was no warning. The boys went out to walk in the woods and the SS, who was 12 I believe, shot the woman's son, who was around 6 or 7 and absolutely adored his stepbrother. It's a heartbreaking story. I got chills when you mentioned the dead look that comes into your SD's eyes and how she looks like she could just kill your BD. It reminded me of the story I just related. You are the keeper of your daughter's safety. I don't know of a good answer to your situation. What does your DH say about this?
It's scary that some kids can
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
It's scary that some kids can do things like this! If this happened to any of MY sons and my skids were involved, there would be HELL to pay!
For a very long time DH
For a very long time DH thought it was just SD being PASed and it would "go away" (my best guess) We have had her for one year as of the 28th..and it has taken DH almost 9 months to actually "see" it. I've seen it first hand the first week back last Jan. I've talked to him about it and now DH actually knows his daughter has severe issues that need to be addressed, rather than DH just "talking" to her. DH has finally seen her in the act of being mean and hateful and he has also seen the "dead look" and it upset him as well.
The kids are not allowed to play with doors closed, in closets, or in our garage. I am ALWAYS within ear shot. SD is VERY sneaky when she is being mean, so now they MUST play witin earshot(Our house is pretty small) When shopping, I do not let BD go to the bathroom with SD without me(seperate stalls of course) and when they play outside I keep the door wide open so I can see them and hear them. They are NEVER alone.
That is a very scary story and my grandma actually said that that is what she is afraid of.