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I'm not happy and I think I need help :(

LaMareOssa's picture

DH isn't happy and neither am I. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. And I'm not sure why It isn't suppose to be this way....

When DH got the emergency custody, I was so happy and so was DH. BD5 and BS2 were very happy to have their sister living with us. SD handled it well, and when her mom wasn't calling and questioning her, she was happy too. Then he got his final orders. I thought he would be happy. This is all he has wanted for the 7 years I have been with DH. DH was hoping that BM wouldn't give up like she did, for the sake of SD. But, DH didn't seem happy after the final orders were signed. I kept asking him every few days if something was bothering him or if something was wrong and he denied it. I knew he wasn't happy with the new situation. Over a few weeks it started to effect me too. I'm not happy now. I should be happy that SD is here and shes safe, taken care of and doing better in school, but I'm not. I think it's more so because DH doesn't seem happy. Now DH has noticed that I'm easily irritated by all 3 of the kids, my patience is shorter and my temper is shorter. And last weekend this caused an argument. DH kept bugging me about what was wrong and finally I told him this:
"You're not happy, I can see it. You come home from work and put on your fake smile and I appreciate it and I know the kids don't really know, butI do and I hate it. I hate that youre not happy." He says "well, I have a lot more stress than before, I'm having to keep 4 people happy instead of 3, SD has alot of homework and she needs a ton of help in math. I'm trying to keep her happy without excluding BD and BS. And she is just difficult to be around. And it's hard"
I told him "I am more than willing to help her with her homework so youre not so overwhelmed when you get home, but YOU want to do it. And it's not my fault. You're the one who has caused all this stress because youre trying to be superdad and it's not working! I WANT to help her and YOU want to do it yourself, but you get frustrated because YOU have all this responsibility, but you're the one who made it this way. Youre not happy because of this and OUR relationship is suffering because of it...I can see youre not happy with having SD here" I also asked him if this is what he really wanted. His reply?

"Yes, I love having her here, but it's different, it's not an EOW deal, this is final and permanent. And I know BM isn't going to give up, it's quiet now and I can't relax knowing that she will make our life as difficult as she can for the next 8 years. I didn't want to get full custody this way, I wanted to have a shared experience. SD is difficult and I'm trying to keep everyone happy and I'm not handling our life being flipped upside down overnight."
I told him that him getting custody wasn't ever going to be a "gradual" thing.

Not only am I not happy about our life changing so much over one night, but our kids-DD5 and BS2- seem to be having a difficult time as well. Theyre happy that SD is here, but I can see things are different, BD and BS are starting to fight and argue more..for the smallest things. BD5 is much more sensitive now days. I'm tired of walking on eggshells to make sure that SD isnt miserable here.

I'm tired. DH is tired. I don't know what to do.


Anon2009's picture

Would either of you be open to getting everyone into family counseling, and getting individual counseling for SD? This is what we did when the SDs moved in and still do. It helps a lot.

LaMareOssa's picture

We would, actually. Insurance and payment is a big problem though..or the lack there of for something like that.

I see the problems with the new situation, but starting to fix them now has become a problem.

sorryilovemydogmore's picture

Employee Assistance Program. A lot of companies have them and they offer free counseling services (usually 6 - 8 sessions depending on the plan), legal services (up to a limit and only for certain things), etc. The advantage is it doesn't go through your insurance at all. FDH and I actually have an appointment scheduled in 2 weeks to meet with a counselor. I talked to one previously through my EAP, didn't help, so I'm trying a different counselor, again through the EAP. It was just a poor personality match between me and the first counselor, nothing to do with the EAP.

Check with your HR department.

asheeha's picture


give yourself a break. and tell dh to give himself one too! it's a HUGE adjustment, he probably had no idea how big it would be and he's probably feeling bad about feeling bad.

i think a little counseling is worth going into debt over if you have to. it can help EVERYBODY, and in the long run it is very much worth it!

love the idea of a tutor and also you two just getting away and having some special COUPLE time.

LaMareOssa's picture

The homework really isn't a big deal. It's reading/writing/spelling words. I can and have helped her with that, but DH says he doesn't want ME overwhelemed because DD has homework as well. Smile Very sweet of him, but I feel the same way. The math isn't a big deal either. I mean it is, but because DH had no idea that SD never learned all her multiplcation tables, he has been working with her on those and giving her a few problems each night. The homework/schoolwork is a huge problem because it seems like SD never learned the basics of certain things and now DH and I are having to pick up all those pieces. How she passed 3rd grade is beyong me Sad

LaMareOssa's picture

You're right. Getting a tutor would be helpful. I'll talk to DH about it. Thank you Smile Looking back at my last comment, I contradicted myself lol

asheeha's picture

my SD10 has serious problems in reading. it's a real problem...esp once they get into 5th grade and they are start reading to learn instead of learning to read.

i work at a university and there are programs available at a very discounted price that will help kids. get in contact with the elementary education program or if they have a masters level education program, find out if/what they offer by way of tutors.

i hear you saying you all can do it, but i know that sometimes kids do better with someone that's not their parent. and if there is help...why not take it.

just an idea.

LaMareOssa's picture

Thats a very good point about children doing better with someone other than their parents. Good idea.