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SO and what they owe ex step kids

Lady.Tremaine's picture

First off I lurk here off my username so often and am thankful for all the venting and advice. Great to feel not alone.

Long story short I moved across the country with my FH to be by his kids. Things are great with the kids for the most part.

FH informs me last week his ex is taking the kids to see her family a few states away for the weekend. Awesome! First whole weekend alone together we've had in along time

She has a 16 year old from another man. Dude was a dead beat so my FH has always sort have been a remote father figure. We receive word a few days later there's a chance he wants to stay in town. He's been a bit of a trouble maker lately so the ex asks us to stay at hers at night to make sure he is in on time

I was happy to find out he slipped up again so she was going to force him to go with her. Apparently the kid tells her his high school registration is this Saturday so he has to be in town.

For a quick second I was optimistic as my SD 6 blurted her brother was coming. Cool I thought to myself. Maybe FH is planning a nice romantic surprise and sticking to a story.

Sure enough I check the district page and the kid is not lying- he has to be at the school saturday.

Dreams crushed sure but how is it ok for the baby momma to decide we are free teen care? On top of that how does she not plan her vacation around knowing when to have her son ready for school?

I think FH thinks the ex son is his responsibility as he's already discussed helping him pay for school but I don't know how to tell my FH to back up a lil without sounding like a...




marblefawn's picture

Wait. I MUST have read this wrong. His ex wants you and your guy to stay at HER house to make sure HER son makes curfew while she's away? That is nuts!

Who babysat her 16-year-old before you moved there? Whatever she did before you two moved there is what she needs to keep doing. This kid is only getting started on the trouble making. If you say yes to this now, you'll set a precedent that will only get worse as the kid's behavior gets worse. You'll be babysitting all the time!

It really sounds like this BM has your guy wrapped. And to be honest, it doesn't sound as if it will be easy to unwrap him. This BM knows no boundaries as evidenced by this request. Your guy doesn't know how to say "no" as evidenced by his willingness to cough up college tuition for someone else's kid without even being asked. If you want the answer to be "no," you will have to say it and yes, you will look like the bitch in the bunch.

You should put your foot down now before these precedents are set. After paying for school, it will be buying him a car and paying for his wedding. Your guy may be a doormat, but you shouldn't be a doormat.

Did you have any idea about this when you moved with him? If you can't talk your guy out of this, I'd run fast the other way. This sounds like a heap of trouble.


Lady.Tremaine's picture

He was ok by himself since the move but then started getting in trouble here. Previously he was a very shy kid and mivmov got him out of his shell.

We have discussed things and we agree this is the last time we do this. 

I do feel bad for the kid having an over relaxed relationship with his mum and no father figure at all but hopefully this is the last time or at least last time without a heads up

Maria10's picture

I would be direct. I would be direct with BM also if you feel like it would be ok coming from you( which it sounds like it xould be)

I would tell DH that 16 is old enough to be home alone plus it not his son so babysitting him is out. Does BM babysit for you? If not then there is a second point.

My dh would occasionally babysit BM1 son ( also out of sympathy for the kid of a deadbeat) as well as Ss12 at BMs house. As soon as I heard this( we were not even moved in together!) I asked him if she pays him to care for her son.  Then I asked if she ever volunteers to take both her son ss12 and DH younger son ss6. The answer to both questions was no. I then offered the solution that when his child needs childcare he go and pick up only his son and care for him at his own home. Too bad BM chose a deadbeat for a baby daddy I will not help her be entitled.

That was the last time DH played daddy to someone else's child. Much to BM1 dismay who thinks" I came between her and my husband"(shes right...I drew some healthy boundaries) lol.

Also both my BMs go on vacations without regard for their children's needs. My conclusiom is that this is a classic BM behavior(I think it might be directly related to the the golden uterus complex of mamy Bms).

justmakingthebest's picture

My thing is... we divorce our spouses, not the kids. So if your ex has a ex-stepson that:

1) He actually cares about

2) That isn't a dick to him

3) That has some kind of relationship with DH

I really think this is one of those situations that REALLY sucks but DH needs to suck it up and be there for the kid. I would not stay at BM's house though. ExSS can stay with y'all. ALSO- if all of the 3 things I mentioned are not true, then hard pass BM. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

 She asked and your partner said yes. If he has paternal feelings for the kid, it is not a major issue.. The kid will be tied up at school all day Saturday and will not likely want to spend every waking hour with you on Sunday.

Kudos to your partner for caring about the kids education.

ESMOD's picture

I would probably call the school to find out what the options are for kids that can't make it on Saturday... I do find it a little hard to believe that there is zero backup plan for families that might be dealing with things like long distance visitations etc...  

Then present your DH with the solution which so that kid can still go with mom.

Step-girlfriend's picture

Did your DH discuss with you first about staying there, before agreeing to it? I would be upset about that. It's kind of a big deal, since you would have to stay there also, and there goes your only wknd alone! You need wknds alone for your relationship. Everyone needs a break. Plus, what SM wants to stay at BM's house???

My SO was in his ex SD's life for 16yrs, since she was 1. Her BF was in prison. Most of the time she thought my SO was her real father. After we started dating he continued to try to be there for her, although they had had a falling out and she was on a bad path- flunking out of school, wouldn't get a job, etc. But the only time she contacted him was when she wanted something; a new phone, car fixed, to borrow something, to have a bonfire in our yard with her friends....meanwhile, she was also trying to get info about me to take back to BM, where they would both talk sh*t about me in front of skids. Eventually my SO told her she needed to get a job and stop mooching off everyone (she was 19 at this time, not going to school and no job, living with BM, and she had gotten caught in my SO's parents house stealing money), and that kind of put an end to their relationship. They no longer talk at all, and she is now 21 and continues to couch-hop, only will work P/T, doesn't have a car anymore... I was supportive of him trying to be in her life and even hoped I could have a positive relationship with her, but mostly I'm thankful she is out of our lives because it was always negative.

No matter what, I do think it gets harder to maintain those relationships with ex Step-parents, because everyone's lives change so much.