You are here

OT- gaslighting

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Lately DH keeps telling me he "can't wait for me to be on xanex" because I try to plan things out . BM has been playing with the schedule a lot lately which is driving me bonkers

I only care because that messes up my plans . Food prep etc. But today it was him switching things around.

He uses my car and has for the last year when his started having issues. I told him once  he brings the kids ( I get off working from home around then) I'll be taking it over to get some drinks for the house. This is timed with the curry I'm making to a tee so it won't over cook. Morning goes well.

He comes home between his work and pick up and says he's going to go to the bait store with the girls. I ask him if he can't just leave early and do it on the way. He again goes into I need xanex etc.

I explain that rationally I just feel like I've lost control these days .His kids cause the usual kid damage to my car and I can't use it on the weekends because he never tells me what's going on during the day 

Instead of understanding he goes "fine - I'll take an Uber instead " ( he knows this will bug me )

He goes pouts in the bathroom and comes back out to say " BM is dropping them off hope you are happy"

Silence for awhile and then " thanks but I'm good on your dinner ". ( He is also well aware this will hurt)

I want to cry but BM might be here to see or the kids might report if they see me like that. Do I actually need Xanex or is my DH trying to gaslight me into thinking I do?

God I need wine. The big bottle.


SteppedOut's picture

You need a big bottle of wine to to club your DumbassH over the head.

Why hasn't he got his car fixed/new car in the last YEAR? Sounds to me like he can't afford a fishing trip if he can't afford to fix his damn car.

Lady.Tremaine's picture

It's not really a trip just going to the local lake but it irritates me that he hasn't and I've brought it up so many times.

I did get him to agree to detail it so when his is  fixed  my car  is the off limits for kids car- gas mileage be damned.

Daisymazy2's picture

You really need to start standing your ground with him

 If he tells you that you need  Xanex again, Tell him that "I am not so sure that I need Xanex, because I am working on other alternative ways to improve my mood". Say in a normal voice and just walk away.

If you need YOUR car then you need your car and it is up to him to find alternate transportation.  He only mentioned the Uber to get under your skin, next time tell him "Ok, YOU can pay for an Uber.".  Say in a normal voice and then just walk away.

When he mentioned that BM dropped off the kids, you should have said "Great!!!, just think of the gas money and time WE just saved". Say it in your normal voice and just walk away.  

Your job is to just say something postive and walk away.  I know, it is easier said than done.  I have been there myself.  The more I was upset the more he would gaslight.  Once I started doing what I just informed you to do, the gaslighting stopped.  It stopped because he wasn't getting the reaction from me that he wanted anymore. From time to time, he will start up again but it is easily shut down.   It was hard for me in the beginning to not get emotional or upset but now, it doesn't bother me at all.  

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Definitely easier said than done .Any time that I try to stand my ground I just lose it. I end up buying him cigarettes and juice as a peace offering because I'd rather he like me than respect me.

Pathetic I know. 

Daisymazy2's picture

Trust me.  I have been there multiple times.  He makes you feel that you owe him an apology.  He makes you feel like you have to apologize just to keep peace.  He makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells.  He makes you feel like it is all your fault. He likes to tear you down.  Keywords are HE makes.

Once you take that first step, it will get easier.  I know,  it is hard to do. You can even take baby steps.  Start by not letting him see you cry, then work up to other things.  He gets his satisfaction by making you feel like you have to jump through all these hoops just to make him happy.  Love doesn't need to do that.  

Lady.Tremaine's picture

The kids are over now. I go to the kitchen with him cause he's flat out avoiding eye contact asking if he's going to act like this all night.

He says yes because I don't want to see you have another break down or meltdown. I'm just gonna hang out with my kids. I went upstairs and he just declared " lady.tremaine is going to be sick for most of the weekend girls"

Literally wtf..  welp upstairs I have a big bottle of wine now lol. Maybe he should tell them daddy is a liar and go down but that's just stirring the pot

Daisymazy2's picture

to get under your skin.  Good job, walking away and grabbing the wine.  Let him hang out with his kids all weekend.  Just do not let him see that it gets to you.  Find something to do outside of the house tomorrow, even if it is just walking around outside somewhere or go to a mall.  Treat yourself to a meal, even if it is Burger King.  

Winterglow's picture

I suggest you leave in the morn ing, go shopping, have lunch, catch a movie, maybe go to the library ... but be sure to do it with your car. Oh, and shut your phone off for the day. Then be absent all day on Sunday too - always with your car. 

If you're not at home, he can't gaslight you. Tell him youi wanted to be sure he had "quality time" with his kids without you around to hamper his "bonding" with them. Tell him you thought he'd be happy to spend so much time with his kids.

ntm's picture


And I would tell him that every time he gets snippy. 

And I would add you don’t need Xanax, you need to leave his sorry a$$. He is being extremely abusive. 

Disneyfan's picture

Stop letting him get to you and absolutely stick to your guns.

The next time he makes a comment about Uber respond with, " Be sure yo use the pool option since it's cheaper."

The next time he pulls the food crap, call a friend and tell them you're bringing over some________. AND DO IT.

Once he figures out that his stupid games no longer work, he will stop.


Lady.Tremaine's picture

I wish I had friends out here. It's just me , him, the kids, and BM. I work from home so finding close friends has been hard.

I definitely feel like an idiot tonight

Monkeysee's picture

This! Your DH is an abusive jerk. His car has been broken down for a year? Why has he done nothing to help himself? He has no right to tell you when you can use your own d@mn car. You don’t need Xanax, he needs a boot up the @ss.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Your DuH is using and abusing you. Why do you stay with that disrespectful, mean, user jerk?!

Iamwoman's picture

Your question: Do you need Xanex or is DH gaslighting you?

Both or no and yes.

Xanex is a very strong drug that makes you not care what is going on around you. I was put on Xanex as a D1 athlete with a broken femur-neck that couldn’t be casted. This was back when “safe spaces” and other excuses to get out university classes didn’t exist. I was expected to get to class on crutches, maintain grades, and still go to athletic practices which involved pool sessions, one legged weight lifting, arm cycling, etc. The Xanex made me not give one hoot about the excruciating pain I was constantly experiencing. That was the only time I ever tried that stuff, and I can see the benefits if you are stuck in a situation that requires a self-lobotomy just to make it through.

So, do YOU need Xanex? 

I would say that in general, as a logically functioning human being, no, you don’t.

However, if you plan on staying with your DH, then yes, you will probably need Xanex just to tolerate him.

If DH were to take the Xanex, he would only care even less about your feelings, your car, your schedule, and you as a human being. In order to stay with a crazy, demanding, selfish a-hole like your DH, you will definitely at least need Xanex...

Letti.R's picture

Thank you for posting this, especially how serious Xanax is.
Her husband is gaslighting her and is an inconsiderate abusive knobend with him saying OP needs psychiatric medication.
(She most likely will need it to cope with his crap!)

I was put on Xanax many years ago when I suffered an acute bout of  major anxiety and grief-induced depression.
To say it "blew my mind" is to put it lightly.
After a few days, it constantly felt like was standing next to myself, in some sort of out of body experience.
Feeling like a zoned-out, zonked zombie is awful.
You don't care about anything and to me it felt like I was a spectator,  watching my own life/body from outside myself, whilst feeling like I had an exceptionally drunk buzz.
A week after going on the tablets, I ditched the stuff.
Never taken psychiatric drugs since, but I managed to dig myself out of the hole I was in, without it.

I agree with you in only needing Xanax if you do not want to care or give a hoot about anything.