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New House , New rules?

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Hope everyone has been doing amazing ! It's been a bit since I've logged in but I've been following all the updates

So DH and I are buying a house. We should have already been further in this process but some "fun" came up with medical expenses .So back to looking and scrimping we go 

Couple questions for those on here much MUCH wiser than myself 

1. If you had to redo your house rules with your DH to go over together with the skids / kids what would you add in now? Also what has worked? We've agreed that our bedroom will be off limits and they need to knock if they need something.

2. SD4 has been so hot and cold DH does not want her to have a bed but a futon in the girls shared room (EOW and some weeknights in case that matters) I disagree as I see it as unfair when her sister will have a bed.  His Logic is that he'll be upset if he buys a bed she never uses and if she starts staying the night he'll buy a bed. My reply was " well what would you do with the futon then ?"

DH thinks I'm over planning but I disagree. I like to budget furniture online to know how much to save and I think being on the same page on rules makes loads of sense

 

Thank you lovely ladies ( and the few gents here) in advance ! It's so weird how in a non step family none of this would be an issue 

Comments

WarMachine13's picture

A real good futon mattress is $$$. I'm talking the ones with a boxspring core that last a long time and better for actual sleeping. Twin bed isn't nearly that much. I've seem a good used wood frame for $30-$50 and new mattress sets for $100. 

SteppedOut's picture

He's going to "punish" a 4yr old for not expressing emotions properly by not providing a "real" bed? 

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Oh trust me I agree. I think it's less punish and more of a fear thing for him ? Rejection ? Eh I do understand it would give more play space but it just seems stupid to not make her a bed here too

Livingoutloud's picture

Your DH makes no sense. As usual. Agree with other two posters. Futons aren't cheaper than beds. No need to make a child feel by treating her differently 

Lady.Tremaine's picture

I brought that one up but they have bunk beds ( not used for sleep sadly at their mom's)

Felicity0224's picture

A few years ago a crackpot therapist gave us ONE piece of useful advice, and that was to not deliberately do anything that would make my SDs feel like they weren't part of the family that DH and I had with DD. In my opinion, nothing says "you don't belong here" like relegating someone to sleep on anything other than a bed.  I would point out to your DH that the amount of rejection a 4 year old might feel from not having a proper bed in his home is far worse than any disappointment he might feel if she doesn't come over as often as he would like. This is the kind of thing that she'll talk about in therapy as an adult. My advice would be totally different if she were a hateful teenager, but at 4 years old, she isn't fully in command of her emotions and decisions. Your DH is an adult, he can handle a little rejection.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

This - times about a thousand.

Lady.Tremaine's picture

I completely agree. I was really hoping for some tips on creating ground rules for kids at a new place from past knowledge but no luck. Trust me y'all- I agree on the bed thing completely 

ITB2012's picture

Since you all are in a new place that you'd like to stay clean and fresh and new-feeling and everyone wants to feel happy about this new house then we ALL are gonna follow these rules:

Food and all beverages except water stay in the kitchen (and dining area if that's what you want)

Water can be taken in other rooms

Do not take/touch things that are not yours.

Everyone's things get put away at when done with them or at the end of the day, whichever comes first.

We all help clean the house weekly. Adults will assign the chores.

There are only a few ways those rules can be bent and it's up to the adults, together, to decide when to bend them. And the decision has to be BEFORE the rule bends, not after someone breaks it and is trying to get out of being in trouble.

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Looove the chore weekly idea. Sundays are sort of half days with the kids and we just brought up SD7 learning basics on laundry ( she gets some coin for chores and we run out of chores in our small space)

 

Drink thing will be a toughy but I completely agree. Currently I bring drinks to our upper loft space when kiddo sleeps but once we have a house i can have a drink or chill in common areas without issue.

ITB2012's picture

So kids got to know how to do each. And a parent had to check. Now this is where it usually went south. DH was just happy they tried. I didn't let them off until they did it right. 

Cover1W's picture

Ok I tried to reset rules with DH. Here's it:

* No entry into master bedroom without permission, period. This included the master bath, the one one the main floor. No skid was going to get used to walking through our room ever. Their bathroom, a big one, was at the bottom of the stairs. DH agreed. I enforced hard with OSD.

* No using furniture as gym equipment. It was all my good furniture and other than a few things that were bought for SDs, I came down on mis-use. I have nice mid-century modern from family and protect it. In fact I got on YSD tonight for using table as an anchor for dragging her chair forward. It's loosening the legs. She's 14 for g#ds sake.

* SDs to do own laundry. Worked with YSD but not OSD. DH had to to OSDs laundry.

Nothing else took. No chores, no cleaning their own bathroom (you know to learn how and responsibilities), no helping in the yard when we work out there, food was constantly taken to room (specifically OSD who let things rot...there was a reason for food upstairs only). Nada. I just kept on disengaging. DH gets to stay home with YSD tonight and I'm going to the neighbors to hang out.

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Jesus your SDs sound... Not fun . 

Our townhouse loft we rent came furnished and the furniture was dying when we moved in so I completely will stand behind the kids not standing on couches. We let them play a bit but if someone stands on something... Yikes. I had to train DH to not put feet on coffee tables. Folks use that for food how is it not gross ?

I'm guarding my master and my office like the gate to Helm's Deep. I did confess to DH at one point if trust was broken I'd be getting key locks for both. Over thinking ? Probably but after being on here for nearly two years I've heard so many horror stories

Cover1W's picture

Do not be afraid of locks if all else fails. They work! I was threatening to lock up all the yard tools too after I caught SD snd her then troublesome friend using my good, expensive loppers to dig thing up.

But after that they didn't touch my things again, but I would have locked the shed in a heartbeat if they had got my yard stuff out a second time. Only one warning should be enough.

Cover1W's picture

....and OP, my SDs have not been fun. And I put that on BOTH parents. I went through my old blogs recently and I'm amazed I stayed.... mostly because of this site and disengaging.

ITB2012's picture

Is the one thing I did let DS do. He was allowed to jump on the bed until his head hit the ceiling, that meant he was too big to do it anymore. Luckily he's always been tall so I wouldn't have had to wait long. He grew out of it before he ever hit the ceiling. And he wasn't allowed to jump on anything else.

But lots of families don't allow that. Many of his friends that came over and were allowed to jump were scared at first. I had to tell them it was okay. Some of my best memories of DS and his buddies are them doing dumb jumping games on the bed. 

Cover1W's picture

SDs used to do this esp in hotel rooms. You know how disturbing that is to neighbors? Also, one cracked her head and got a nice egg bump once and another time it got so out of control YSD ended up with a concussion.

So no, it's not allowed.

Harry's picture

It will be easer when they get older. No going into master bedroom, no sleeping in your bed. No TV or video games in your bedroom. No food out of kitchen,  fast clean up each night,  before bed ect 

shamds's picture

And if she ends up bot coming etc at least there is a spare bed.

With entering the master bedroom, unless its life or deaty, you can wait till either of us comes out and if its nighttime, then wait till tomorrow

i am not anybody’s bitch maid, so clean up after yourselves. You ate alot today? Great clean your dishes because I won’t and if you refuse to, when dad gets home he will be told all those dishes are yours and he will make you wash them up

you filled up the rubbish bin? Great, then empty it! Don’t pile your rubbish on kitchen floor. 

I don’t do skids laundry.

also one thing many parents forget to do or refuse to is basic standards of manners and respect in the home... that all goes out the window and home environment becomes so hostile and unbearable 

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Just want to thank everyone- it would take me an hour to reply to every comment at this point but I got some excellent advice. It sounds silly but thank you for being my support. Sometimes things that would be common sense are lost in translation with stepkids being in the mix.