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OT - update to SIL living with us

ladybug3's picture

EDIT: I called DH today and talked to him about all of this and SIL overheard the conversation. She told their mom about it who called DH. I expected a big sh*t show to ensue but surprisingly it went better than I thought. MIL claims that SIL can't get a job because if she did then this state would legally be her place of residence, which would keep her from being able to move back to the state she wants to live at. DH explained that this state already is SIL's place of residence whether or not she has a job. No one cares. His family isn't that smart. Then MIL offered to give us some money to cover expenses and SIL will be giving us rent money as well. Still no word on whether she'll eventually move out or if she's going to keep waiting on court, but at least it's a step in the right direction. We're still discussing the parenting issue with her tonight when I get home from work.

I talked to DH and he completely agrees with me and a lot of what was commented on my last blog. The strain that SIL puts on us is mostly through her complete lack of parenting, but there is a financial component too. So we agreed that we would sit down and talk to her tonight since there would be no kids home. We're going to give her two options. One would be to pay us rent (an amount we haven't really figured out yet) and take more time cleaning up after and parenting her kids. Or she can have a few months to find another place to live. Considering the cost of living in our area (at least $1000 a month for a one bedroom apartment) she will probably take the first option. 

I feel so relieved that DH and I are on the same page. 

If I could get some advice on what to charge her I would really appreciate it. I don't want to overcharge. And I don't mind sharing my financial situation with you all. Mortgage + electricity + water = $1,100 a month give or take. SIL does help with groceries occasionally (when her food stamps card gets refilled) and she eats out a lot so I don't really think I should take groceries into account. But if I did that would be around $300 - 500 a month. 

So with SIL sleeping on our couch and in SS's room when he's not here, what would be a fair price to charge her? 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

I would think around $600-700 is reasonable and fair. 

I would also print out a lease agreement so that if this goes badly you can evict her but also because it shows that you are serious about rent and responsibilities within the household. 

SteppedOut's picture

I think this is too high. 

A reasonable amount would be $350-400, maybe a bit higher depending on how much they all eat. 

Perhaps if you are trying to get her the hell out even more... but I know you/dh also don't want to rock the extended family boat (I personally would shove that boat out to sea, lol).

justmakingthebest's picture

I would take at least 1/2 of what she gives out of the $600 and put it in a savings account for her. Once she has enough for a couple of months rent "gift" her with the funds and tell her to get out. 

DPW's picture

It's hard to say without a lot more information. I guess I would charge her enough to make a dent and motivate her, but not enough where she can't save up for an apartment. 

Take everything into account - rent, utilities, groceries, PITA factor. I would also suggest, if she is bad with money, that a condition to her living there is that I hold onto her savings. This way I can guarantee she won't spend it and use it as an excuse to stay longer. 

And don't forget... always put a timeline on her exit in every conversation you have. You all should have a common goal and need to discuss how to achieve it together. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I would charge enough to cover your costs so you aren’t out of pocket, and put a $100 or $200 dollars away each month for her (out of what she pays you) and when there is enough go down and put a deposit on a place with her. 

Thumper's picture

Oh Ladybug..having adult family live with you tends to be a big problem.

Type up a rental agreement for 3months ONLY. Renew every 3 months.  Keep everything within the 4 corners of that contact. Any additions to the rental agreement, must be written within those 4 Corners. Nothing Verbal. ok? Prepare as if you had to take her to court to evict-- (sorry)

I would charge her 600 a month low end..

Assuming it includes internet, lights, water, electric, cable tv, lawn care, use of your linens, use of your furniture..right? Washer dryer use??

Common areas must be kept clean written in that contract. No loud tv or radios after 800pm..NO food in bedrooms, no plates. etc You do not want to make it too comfy for her to over stay her welcome.

Family living with family changes you and your  dynamic. Often times not for the good.

She should call social services and let them deal with this. Get her on a  list for low income. Chances are good she will pay far less a month on her own. Maybe 300 out of pocket for her.

At the very least Ladybug,,,write UP a contract at 3months intervals. IF she pitches a fit, "family never does this" THEN you know she is a problem. A decent family memeber would ask for a pen and want to protect YOU.

I personally know someone who allowed an adult sibling live in their home (no not me). The home owner sibling let the dirt bag skip rent AND never helped with food either. Turns out that ahole lived there many years rent free. Became a squatter and would not move until that house was sold and had no choice BUT to leave. It was awful....

Protect yourself Ladybug...

 

 

 

ladybug3's picture

I called DH today and talked to him about all of this and SIL overheard the conversation. She told their mom about it who called DH. I expected a big sh*t show to ensue but surprisingly it went better than I thought. MIL claims that SIL can't get a job because if she did then this state would legally be her place of residence, which would keep her from being able to move back to the state she wants to live at. DH explained that this state already is SIL's place of residence whether or not she has a job. No one cares. His family isn't that smart. Then MIL offered to give us some money to cover expenses and SIL will be giving us rent money as well. Still no word on whether she'll eventually move out or if she's going to keep waiting on court, but at least it's a step in the right direction. We're still discussing the parenting issue with her tonight when I get home from work.

DPW's picture

Sorry? Am I understanding this right? You and DH have a telcon about SIL. SIL overhears and runs to MIL to tell her. MIL comes to the rescue. How is SIL going to learn if MIL enables her?

Gimlet's picture

I would be really annoyed that she chose to sit and listen to the conversation and then ran crying to MIL.

OP, your husband's family isn't super healthy, are they? 

Also, good job on having the parenting conversation, keep pushing on a date, and get her to sign that lease!

DPW's picture

I'd be annoyed too that I could not have a conversation with my spouse in my own home without it creating drama and involvement from others in the family. 

ladybug3's picture

My husband's family is honestly super manipulative and awful and I've been slowly working with him to get him to stand up for himself. I'm surprised MIL didn't call me to try and pressure me into anything because she used to do that and then call DH and lie about what I had said to her. "Ladybug said it was fine, she's okay with it" when that's the exact opposite of what I said. 

ladybug3's picture

SIL is the baby of the family and you're absolutely right, she'll never learn with MIL enabling her. It's been going on her whole life and I don't see it stopping now.

ladybug3's picture

Oh I wish... MIL lives 4 hours away from us and that's not super convenient for picking up and dropping off the kids when the ex has a DUI and can't drive. Right now SIL only has to drive 15 minutes to pick up/drop off her kids. I think we would ALL prefer her live with MIL though. 

DPW's picture

Honestly, all of this is not your problem. I do not mean to sound harsh, but it is the truth. Maybe a little inconvenience in SIL's life would kick start the motivation, ya know?

I wish you the best. I'd really approach this like a business meeting and make sure your 'i's are dotted and 't's crossed. I suspect like others have said that you will have to evict her formally to get rid of her. 

Winterglow's picture

If she runs to mama at every bump along the way, the sooner you get her the hell out of there the better. At least until she actually grows up. If ever. And don't let mil buy her way... 

24 years as a SM's picture

I am sure your utility bills have gone up in the amount of time that SIL and the two ferals have been in your home. You need to add this to the total amount of rent too. If you SIL is getting Food Stamps, then she needs to spend that money on the food that she and her kids eat at home. In California, food stamps can only be used for groceries that you cook at home, or a take and bake pizza. I am not sure about your state, but here food stamps for 3 people is over $500 in food stamps. There is no reason for you and your DH to spend one thin dime on food for them.

Personally I would charge her $500 to $600, plus she buys all the food for her and her kids. I would also make a list of chores that need to be done around the house, while you are at work. Add the chore list into a agreement that she needs to sign. If she doesn't keep up with her part,boot her ass out. If she has time to sit around on her ass, she has time to clean and take care of her feral kids. TAKE BACK YOUR HOUSE!!

GrabitAndGo's picture

I'm still stumped why the MIL thinks SIL wouldn't be able to move if she got a job where she's currently living.  Can someone explain that to me?

SteppedOut's picture

Because she isn't very bright. She thinks that will "establish residency"... like it isn't already established.