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DH is coming around

ladybug3's picture

I texted DH while he was at work to tell him how much it bothers me when he engages with BM. He texted back and tried to say he only called her to ask to talk to SS, which I already knew was b.s. because he had asked her about the text message she sent. So I told him I couldn't stop him from talking to her, but that every time he did it was degrading our marriage. Then I said it was inappropriate for him to be talking to his ex about anything other than SS. 

At that point he called me and immediately tried to change the story. The first time he told me about their conversation, he called her after she texted him to find out what the cryptic text was about. THEN he asked to speak to SS. Once I got mad about it, the story changed to "I called to talk to SS, and then as an afterthought I asked about the text. It wasn't a big deal." I basically ignored him and kept repeating what I had already said. He then tried to play the victim. "Everything is always my fault" is what he said. I said, "No, I didn't say that. It's not your fault she texts you. It's your fault when you respond." 

Then he tried a different tactic (he has 3 main ones that I've learned), where he gave me a ridiculous solution to make me look like the bad guy. He said, "Fine, if you don't want me talking to her I won't. About anything, including SS. We won't go to court either, since you don't want me seeing her." I said, "Good." because I know his games are total b.s., and I hung up on him. 

He tried to call me back a few times and I let him stew. When I finally picked up he was singing a completely different tune. It was all, "Baby I'm so sorry you got angry, I'm trying so hard to keep this from happening. We can talk about it when I get home, okay?"

I hate being manipulative but he started it. We're going to talk about how he should be handling BM's ridiculous text messages on the weekend because we're both too busy to do it now. I'm going to bring up BIFF. Wish me luck


ndc's picture

You text him at work to talk about BM?  Really?  I do think it needs to be addressed (good luck this weekend!) but trying to hash this stuff out while he's trying to work doesn't seem like a great idea.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'd like to add this to my statement below.

OP - he JUST got this job and you two can't survive on one income. Why on earth would you bring this up while he's at work? He needs to be focused on not losing this job, too. 

ladybug3's picture

If I don't address something when I'm upset about it I will get more and more angry until there's no point in talking anymore. If I hold off texting him until it's convenient for him then it turns into a much bigger fight than it needed to be. And he didn't lose the last job, he quit. He wanted to tell me about their conversation while he and I were both at work, so I told him how much it upset me while we were both at work. Seems fair to me. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You realize he manipulated you again, right? He broke the silent treatment by telling you what you wanted to hear, while still blaming you for this being an issue in the first place.

The more your write about your DH, the less I like him.

Want2's picture

You guys seem to have a completely dysfunctional way of communicating. You throw bombs, he dodges. It doesn’t sound like you’re actually trying to solve the problem, you’re adding layers of new problems and creating a mine field.

Harry's picture

Setting ground rules about BM.  He still has some ties to BM.   All communication with BM should be text or e mails.  What are saved no deleting of text or even mail.  He will stop playing games with BM.  Her sending.a text and him trying to figure out what she is saying.  If her text does not make sense. Disregard it.  He should have a time to talk to SS.  So BM knows that call is to SS not her. 

You have to settle this now, stop the games.  Or this is going to be your life. No joint party’s, no joint Christmas with BM  no joint birthday party’s.  Get BM out of your life.  She is not your friend, don’t get trapped. In a circus,  DH is showing no respect for you and your marriage by having a relationship with BM.  He is the one who got divorced, he wanted to end it,  so he has to end it 

Chelseybychelsey's picture

You sound jealous of bm and her relationship with your dh.


Grow up stop calling your dh at working starting shit of you'll have an exdh.

ladybug3's picture

How could I be jealous of her? She had her chance, she lost it. I will tolerant of BM communicating with DH up until she messaged me on FB to let me know they were sleeping together. She had no proof and I knew she was lying out of desperation, but that was the last straw for me. Believe me, if I was jealous of her I wouldn't be married to her ex. I can't be jealous of someone so pathetic. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why did you text him at work? Especially when he just started this job? His attention should be on his job, not his issues w/you and BM. While I think your DH is a problem a good share of the time, you don't help matters with the way you choose to address issues with him.

ladybug3's picture

He told me about their conversation while both of us were at work, so I told him that it upset me while both of us were at work. I'm not going to sit around and be upset until he gets home just because texting him at work is inconvenient for him. I don't want to hear about their conversations in the first place, if they have to happen, so if he doesn't want me bitching at him then he can keep it to himself.