Skid job vs visitation
DH is primary of skids, so they go to BM's every other weekend Thursday afterschool to Monday morning. SS16 just got his first job (which is AMAZING because this kid is totally unmotivated in life and we're all hoping that having a job and making his own money will help him grow up a bit).
BM lives an hour away and has always been unwilling to do extra driving for extra stuff on her weekends like birthday parties, saturday school, etc. Looks like the new norm is that SS16 will just stay with us any BM visitation weekend that he's scheduled to work. Is this normal? I mean I don't expect fast food job to allow him to just be off every other weekend, but this kind of sucks for me too :(
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Does SS16 drive? I'm all for
Does SS16 drive? I'm all for teens working, but it shouldn't affect custody. Employers are usually very flexible with teens because of school, family and extra curricular activities.
That honestly wasn't my
That honestly wasn't my experience at all. I would ask for time off for things and get it denied when I was working in high school. In fact my family ended up out of town several times without me. Weekend off, or every other weekend off is normally not feesable. everyone wants the weekends. So it's more likely that he could get a weekend off a month.
However if he's driving, he may have to be the one to make the commute.
I worked starting at age 15.
I worked starting at age 15. I was a COD, and I was also in band and volleyball. Sometimes it didn't work out, but employers were usually very flexible. My SS18 has worked the past few years and they have also been flexible with his schedule. If they weren't flexible, well one can work for minimum wage just about anywhere.
True. There are lots of
True. There are lots of places to work. I just haven't seen flexibility. But it could have been the area I grew up in too.
I agree with beebeel. Work
I agree with beebeel. Work shouldn't interfere with visitation. A job is something that should have been discussed with BM before it was gotten, if it was not. If SS isn't driving on his own yet, then BM needs to either be willing to drive or he needs to rework is schedule or get a different job.
SS16 does not have his
SS16 does not have his license yet, although DH is working on that. The job is in our town, and we live 2 miles away from his school, so although SS16 does not have very much driving experience, DH is pushing for him to get his license right away to drive to work and school. (I am totally against this because I don't think he should be driving anwyere by himself unless he's expereinced enough in general, but what do I know I'm just the step mom). DH does not intend to allow SS16 to drive to and from BM's house for a while, if at all.
BM is aparantly okay with this, as her only reponse to it was "aww but I'll barely get to see you, that sucks"
I don't think SS16 would even want to take 2 weekends off a month, he's already talked about how much that would cut into his hours. Also, he applied to like 20 places and this is the only one that called him for an interview, it's not a big town so I'm not sure finding another place is much of an option.
So you guys are in a rural
So you guys are in a rural area? I grew up in a town of fewer than 5,000 people. Everyone started driving at 16. You needed a car if you had a job because there is zero public transportation.
If he only had one call back after 20 applications, I would bet his penmanship needs work.
There are plenty of things kids don't want to do, but the parents make them because it's right. He may not WANT to take some weekends off, but it's the right thing to do. He has his entire life to work. He is still a kid and his mom's custody time shouldn't end because he wants video game money.
I disagree
Teens naturally start spending less time with parents (divorced or not) and who says this job is for video game money? Maybe he's saving for a car, insurance, college, any number of non-frivolous things, so to discount it by saying it's for video game money is a total disservice. I commend this teen for getting a job and wanting to work. My lazy skids were never made to work in high school and had their hands out for money til they were 18. When my SS graduated high school BM finally made him get a job and he got all pissy about having to pay to put gas in the car he was borrowing, and he bitched to NO END when he turned 18 and his job started scheduling him 40 hours a week. He had the worst work ethic ever for awhile and felt a job was some kind of punishment. And that his mom should pay for gas because it was her car (even though he drove it).
I say BM needs to suck it up and come see him and also come to terms with the fact that her son is growing up and the EOW is going to stop in the next couple years anyway.
So I guess most people feel
So I guess most people feel that SS16 should take time off work to make sure he has his visitation with BM. Which I can understand, but I also see the other side too.
BM doesn't seem overly bothered by this, she's not insisting that he take time off. Also, BM moved an hour away from the skids purely by choice (not for job necessity), and as his mother of a kid that doesn't have his license, I feel like she should step up and do transporting. I think it's important for a 16 year old to start working, and grow up a bit. I also think he should have his license but BM and DH didn't push on that very much once he got his permit so I guess that's their own issue.
IMO, if the BM doesn't care
IMO, if the BM doesn't care if the kid doesn't make visitation, then no problem.
The idea that a fast food place is going to give a kid EOWE off is not realistic. Not if the kid actually wants to have more than a few hours a weeks. Fast food does their business on weekends. Some of these places give 16-18yr olds the sh*t shifts. Three to four hours. Senseless to drive an hour each way to work unless they are giving kid something like an eight hour shift.
I don't think you can expect BM not only to give up the visitation but then to also offer to transport the kid. She'd have an hour over, an hour back, another hour back over to retrieve kid and then back home again. Why would she want to offer to do that on what is suppose to be her weekend enjoying her kids (yeah, whether she actually enjoys having them around or not, lol)
In your situation, the kid needs to sit down and talk to his BM. If she is good with him working rather than coming, hey, her choice. What I would not want the BM to do is say ok and then start regretting it after a coupe months and insist he starts the visitations again. Not fair to kid nor the employer who has taken the effort to train the kid.
With your skids being two of them at 15 and 16, it's likely only a matter of time before the skids start either wanting jobs or doing school activities (football games, for example) with friends. BM may simply resign herself to it. Especially if she's only into wanting to do the bare minimum already.
What I would not do is fight with BM over this. It is her visitation time and she doesn't have to waive it regardless of great Dad and kid believe it is that kid is getting a job and doing something worthy and starting to mature (building work ethics and earning cash for savings/college/ blah blah).
Question though. Example, kid is scheduled free on Thursday and Friday, but then suppose to work at 2pm on Saturday and Sunday. Does kid go after school on Thursday and Dad go get him to work on Saturday (and kid remains at Dad's rest of weekend)? Does kid just not go at all that weekend? Or does Dad expect BM to bring kid home before 2pm Saturday so he can then work?
None of this matters.
&****
None of this matters.
None of this matters.
Just because mom doesn't seem to be bothered by this NOW, doesn't mean she won't use it later to file contempt charges against dad.
Dad has an obligation to ensure that the kids are available during mom's scheduled time.
Bullsh*t
The kid is 16. No judge is going to make him visit anymore. And if mom can't understand that her son is starting to have a life of his own, that's her problem. Dad didn't do this. And BM is the one who moved away, so this is her fault.
No judge is going to allow
No judge is going to allow him to drop visits simply because he has a job. If that were the case, every crazy BM out there would use the kid has a job as an excuse to marginalize dads.
Kids going to school
have little time to work, if they are not going to work on weekends, they are not needed and will not be schedual any hours. These places don’t fire anyone that just dont schedual any hours.
This is between BM and SS. It
This is between BM and SS. It's her time, it's her decision.
I see it both ways.
I see it both ways.
When I was 17 and got my first real job and license, my weekends visitations with my dad stopped. Now, I still spent time with my dad, but it was more dinners out, weekend days that I had off (that I was splitting amongst him, other family, school work, etc), holidays, events for my siblings, etc. Even living with my mom, I rarely saw her or my SF because I worked after school before they got home and didn't get home until they were in bed. I worked 4 nights a week and spent my Friday and Saturday nights with friends. So, all around, my parents saw me a lot less.
I can see this kid not spending whole weekends with BM anymore. HOWEVER, that needs to be based on HIM, not solely his job. I think it would be fair to tell him "if you don't get your license in the next X weeks/months, you'll have to find your own rides to work and tell them that your schedule requires EOWE off so I can take you to your mother; if you can't figure that out, then you'll lose the job."
Once he has his license and a job, I think it would be good for SS, BM, and DH to have a discussion (either as a group in pairs with SS) about what visitation will look like for SS. DH needs to make it clear that NOT seeing BM isn't an option, so SS shouldn't plan on spending all his free weekend time hanging out with friends or doing other activities. He still needs to make 1-2 days every other week open to visiting with his BM.
As kids get older, visitation is going to change. That's just part of it. There can still be a balance and boundaries, but to think that a teenager who is trying to be independent is going to be able to stick to a schedule based on dependents is absurd.