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SD15 given the option to leave

ksmom14's picture

So my last blog was about DD4 finally noticing that SD15 doesn't like her. This has been going on for a long time...short summary is...

SD15 won't voluntarily ever talk to DDs or look at/play with her. We've never pushed a relationship because we didn't want SD15 to resent them.

SD15 has been short, mumbly, and dismissive of DH, myself, and DDs for probably 2 years now. DH and myself have tried to talk to her about it, but overall just ignored it and dismissed it as teenage attitude and left it alone. Well now DDs are noticing and I can take the rudeness, but do not want my girls feeling less than because their own sister won't even talk to them. My last blog was actually about her attitued towards the DDs.

It came to a head yesterday after DD4 went to SD15, told her "I love you SD15", SD15 replied (after like a 10 second pause) "ok". I immediately got up, grabbed DD4 and took her to her room to play with her. Honestly it took a lot for me to not just rip into SD15.

Anyways DH and I pulled SD15 aside yesterday to talk to her about her attitude/rudeness to everyone and how it has to stop immediately. He asked if she acts this way at BM's and she said she's more comfortable there. So DH told her she can either start treating people the way they deserve to be, or she can go live with BM if she's more comfortable there, but she can't continue the way she has been.

Basically the only thing that is keeping her at our home (normally DH has primary custody because of school scheduling, but due to COVID it's been a 50/50 schedule) is her specialized high school she's in that's only in our area. She will graduate HS with both a diploma as well as an associates degree which is totally free. If you've seen my other blogs, she actually did her freshman semester at this specialized high school, then did a huge about face and wanted to go to the normal high school, did that for about 2 weeks, then wanted to go back again. So she's back in the specialized high school. 

The whole thing is a mess and I've been so stressed, the whole situation just sucks, I don't know what the right answer is. I've tried so much to reach out to her to have a better relationship, and I"m just constantly met with mumbles and non answers. I've always prided myself on being a very kind person, so I honestly don't come into contact with a lot of people that just don't like me. So for someone I've done so much for and tried so hard with to just hate me for no "reason" is super hard for me.

 

Comments

shellpell's picture

She should leave. She's making you miserable and will make your DD unhappy too. That's no way to live. This is why, the longer I'm in this situation (and mine's a good one comparatively) the more I feel like people shouldn't repartner while they have minor children. I can't imagine having SS12 here for long periods, being sullen and rude. My home is my sanctuary and I thank God every day that we are long distance and I only have to see him a couple of times a year. One reason people  get divorced is lack of love or emotional abuse. What about if that lack or abuse comes from a skid? Makes life intolerable imo.

simifan's picture

Good for your DH. Hope he keeps to his word. If he does make sure you reward that man. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

She was poisoned against her by North Korea.  It hurt a lot and I didn't have much to do with SD21.  She was a big part of why I was here.   So DD turns six next week and Sd turns 21 next month.  She's nice to her now.  She's grown and matured a lot since 15.  just two days ago DD did a little fashion show for her with her new backpack and new school clothes.

 

Now SD19 LOVED LOVED LOVED DD when she was born and was little.  She was 13ish when DD was born.  No one likes SD19 now.  She's a mess and is selfish and ignores DD.

 

So things can change but would I subject my daughter to that?  No and I didn't. I did the same thing you did.  When you can treat me and DD respectfully then you can be around us and luckily she came around.  

CLove's picture

I wonder if she is needing some therapy - someone not involved to talk to?

It seems like she is really jealous and her jealousy is taking over. She is obviously pretty smart bookwise, but not emotionally intelligent enough to talk about her feelings in a rational way, plus - teenage hormones at play.

It sounds like you are all at the end of your rope and focusing on SD15 is not getting anywhere. Time to back off a little. Perhaps if she gets the space from you all that she appears to want, she will miss them...

***edit*** sorry for the typos!

ksmom14's picture

She actually was in therapy last year (I think that's what spurred her sudden desire to go to the regular high school after working so hard to get into the specialized one). After a while she told DH she felt better and that therapy was a waste of her time and wanted to stop going. I tried to tell DH that she should continue going, that things ebb and flow a lot in a teenagers life, but he didn't listen and let her stop going.

We actually don't pester her almost at all, there have been like 2 conversations about her attitude in 6 months, other than that DH asks her to do maybe 1 hour of chores/help around the house a week, and that's it. I buy any food that she wants/requests, she has her own cell phone, her own laptop, her own bedroom, with a shared bathroom with SD16.

shamds's picture

He has always shunned me, pretended i was invisible and overall a rude prick.

his dad knew this but didn’t want to rock the boat because as he said “he didn’t want drama!!”

5 weeks after our daughter was born i was in tears because ss treated me like his bitch maid. It was hard enough hubby sole income earner, busy at work, me having lack of sleep and colicky baby. 2 days and i got 2 hours of sleep, i was a zombie and passing out, i cried that morning when hubby was leaving for work and said if i am too busy to cook dinner just get ss to pickup dominos or something and i burst into tears 

ss was and has always been a major issue in our marriage. Hubby told him off that day to clean up after himself and he had the nerve to tell daddy it was my job as the stay at home housewife.

hubby told him off that it really upset hubby that he had a sister and not once has he acknowledged her!! Know why ss response was?? “I’m incapable of affection so don’t force me to have a relationship with her”

same thing with our son... he just ignores them. Up until my son was 2 and my daughter just over 3 was marked by daily crying sessions at the sight of him because he was a stranger. This was no way to live

hubby told him off and told him to knock off being a rude prick ignoring us like we didn’t exist... know what ss said after hubby told him to be respectful civil and pleasant at home? “Do you want me to run away from home because i will if you make me do this!!” Ss was about 20.5 at the time.

hubby told me that i was the reason ss wanted to run away from home, i lost it with hubby and said don’t you ever for 1 second blame me for how effed up the skids are. Thats all youand yor crazy bitch of an exwife.

last yr i gave hubby a choice, i was not living in our marital home anymore with ss there, he leaves or hubby buys another home for us to move into...

hubby bought a home in my birth country overseas where our 2 kids are schooling there and i am finishing my university studies end of next year... home was put solely in my name because hubby knows if he were dead tomorrow, his 3 kids from exwife would kick us to the street even out of our marital home and he had to protect us.

never will any skid enter this home and hubby told off ss pre covid that ss was on his own for holidays as hubby could not justify bringing him along

oh and the 2 miniwife sd’s aged 24.5 & 14.5, just pure hell. Hubby has been told never will i attend any function or wedding that they will be at and no skid on our holidays... i’m done with any of them and once a year or 2 hubby chucks the sob story sd’d cried on phone saying hubby abandoned them for us blh blah blah when hubby has repeatedly planned events but they just didn’t want to attend and made every bullshit excuse possible

hubby attended some visits to them without me and they acted like me and our kids didn’t exist and it really upset hubby because we were his family too

hubby has a better relationship with our 2 kids... i’m done with stepcrap!!

i have 5 months been without hubby because of covid finishing university fulltime, caring for a 3 & 4 yr old on my own, moving into a new home and renovating and re-landscaping it, being sick and cating for 2 sick kids and sd’s have not even wanted to see hubby or even contact him since december last yr.

the moment they know me and hubby are together for sure they will invent an emergency just so hubby can’t have any attention on us

Cover1W's picture

I was a sullen, moody, 'hate my family and little sister' teen. I am sure I was pretty terrible from around age 14 - 17. However, my parents did not let me get away with it. I was talked to, reprimanded, sometimes grounded, for my attitude and actions. I hated it. Part of it was I didn't have any freedom (strick parents) even though I was a very, very good student, didn't party, followed all the other rules (like curfew, cleaning, chores, etc.). And I chaffed at not having more decision making power. But I didn't know it at the time, only upon reflection - I was really ready to go at 18.

But this was also in an intact household. I had no where to go. I could retreat to my room. That's it. No going to mommy's home or daddy's home for convenience. Holding the line with teens is important. I learned how to deal with my feelings and get through them, invaluable for bad work situations - hahaha! And my family learned to stick with me through it too. Even though I still don't have a great relationship with my parents, they didn't let up.

advice.only2's picture

I'm not saying this to sound harsh or to dismiss your feelings, but we tell people on here everyday it's okay not to love or like your SKs. So why should it be any different for a SK with their half sibling? Yes it hurts and yes it's hard for you to see, but honestly your BD won't remember much of it. Spawn left our house when BD was 8 and now BD barely remembers her.

thinkthrice's picture

as IAMwoman stated,  you dont' have to be a miserable prick about like OP's SD is/was.   she could have responded with some diversionary statement not a 10 second pause and then "ok"   That is called ill breeding.