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Is it normal to just not like your DH sometimes? - OT

ksmom14's picture

So this isn't really step related...isn't associated with skid issues, but DH and I have REALLY been struggling lately.

I don't really have anyone in my personal life to talk to about it so here I am.

I've been seriously considering divorce and if it's the right thing for us to do. I don't hate him, but I feel like if that's where we're heading it would be better to do it when we don't hate each other and are super bitter towards each other so that we can be amicable.

I know it's hard to give advise without much info/details but basically I just want to know...is it normal to just not like your spouse sometimes? To be seriously considering not being with them anymore, but still work it out? I guess I just don't know if this could just be a tough phase and to push through and work on it, or just realize that this isn't normal and I just need to read the writing on the wall and get out now while we can still be kind to each other and parent our kids.

 

Comments

beebeel's picture

I think it's normal. Living with another person is hard. But without more details, I can't advise you to do something as drastic as divorce.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Marriage is hard. I love my DH, but I can't say I like him some days.  We've had some rough phases, but we always seem to work it out.

I think it's normal not to like people sometimes. But still care about and love them.

I think if you want a divorce though, once one party has decided, it's really hard to come back from that.  So just make the choice that's best for you.

ksmom14's picture

I don't think I've actually decided I want a divorce, I just have been thinking about it a lot lately....like wondering if that's just the answer and I need to stop ignoring it and pretending everything will be fine.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Don't pretend everything will be fine, but maybe talk to your DH about what's going on (without using the D word) and see if you two can work together towards a solution?  If you're both willing to put in effort for the better, to me that shows it has good potential to work out.  If you ignore things it build resentment.  If you bring them up then it has a chance.

(BTW. I've thought about divorce before too... I love my DH, but some of the crap we've been through lately has made me want to scream.  I never decided I wanted to do it. But I did think the "what if" side of things.  So I think that's normal too)

Monkeysee's picture

How long have you been feeling this way, and have you talked to him about it?  I think it can be normal in relationships, couples fall in & out of love all the time & there are absolutely ebbs & flows (from what I've heard from people who've been married decades).

I think what's really important though is to check in on how YOU are feeling about it all.  Could it just be a difficult season, that could be helped with counselling, time apart, time together, etc?  Or are you at a point where you're feeling 'done'?  Nobody can answer that for you, though counselling could be helpful in helping you understand what's really true for you.

Personally, I haven't been married that long in the grand scheme of things, but I've absolutely gone through phases of not liking my husband very much.  In the end it's always been worth it to stay, and I'm glad I have, but if I ever get to the 'done' point where the hardships outweigh the benefits, I'd consider moving on.

It's not an easy place to be, and the emotions can be overwhelming, so I think taking time to really understand what's going on in your head, heart & marriage would be a good place to start.  Take care of yourself girl.

ksmom14's picture

after our 2nd baby was born about 18 months ago I've been feeling this way...on and off. I remember talking to a friend about it back then and telling her that I knew my hormones were all over the place with just having a baby and I wanted to give it until baby's first birthday before I made any big decisions. Now she's almost 2 and I still feel unsure if this is right, some days/weeks are worse than others for sure so it's not all the time, but it continues to come back.

I think it's time for DH and I go to go a cousnelor I suppose...

beebeel's picture

These may be weird, personal questions, but did you breastfeed and for how long? My hormones didn't level out into almost 8 months after I stopped BFing, and had a nice, new IUD installed. My hormones were jacked until my kid was 2.5.

ETA: I've read it's especially hard on your body/hormones to have babies back-to-back like you have. Also, baby/toddlerhood is an extremely stressful time for parents. If your DH seems miserable all the time, it's probably because screaming, crying, whining shit machines are super stressful and you have two. Yikes, mama. 

Do you two go on dates? Carve out time for just the two of you? Connect as a couple rather than parents?

ksmom14's picture

I breastfed until she was 12 months, and speaking of crazy hormones, I've had terrible PMS, basically PMDD and have actually started to try medication to get that worked out. I tried a low dose prozac which was ok, but now I'm on a regular hormone birth control to try that instead. I've only been on it for a month so far.

beebeel's picture

Give your body time to adjust. It has been through a lot. I hope the new BC helps. Mine certainly does as evidence that I still have it despite DH getting a vasectomy three years ago lol.

 

futurobrillante99's picture

Yes. It is normal to not like your partner sometimes. It's even normal to not feel romantic love for them. That kind of love is just a feeling.

I was married the first time for 25 years when we split (26 years total until the divorce was finalized). There wasn't a lot of romantic love except snippets here and there. He is a generally good person and though I made many mistakes and had some immature relationship skills when we married (I was 21, he was 25), I think I successfully loved him in the real sense. I respected him, supported him, honored my vows, encouraged him, included him and stuck with it when he did some crappy things. I really wanted to honor the "until death do you part." I was in it to the end, but being with him was chipping away at my soul because he was jealous and did backstabby things to try to control me or hold me back in a place he felt more comfortable keeping me in. It wasn't until he turned on our special needs son that I finally said "enough."

Even though my first marriage ended in divorce, I can tell you that we stuck through some tough years where we didn't really like each other, but we demonstrated love (as a verb). A kind of "fake it til you make it" attitude. We loved even though we didn't feel it.

If you are married to a person who is a good person with good character and decent communication skills, and there isn't anything truly awful happening (abuse, infidelity, addiction, financial abuse), please stick with it if all that's wrong is you don't like each other right now.

ksmom14's picture

There's no abuse happening, and I feel like we communicate decently (although I know I tend to hold back so I don't hurt his feelings). I'm dissapointed to say that I'm starting to feel like DH just isn't a very nice person, I don't think he intends to be mean but just is and I dont' know if that's even something I can address with him

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

I'm sorry that you are facing the possibility of divorce. How long have you been together?  

I think it's normal to have times where you don't "like" your SO's behavior and even things he does/habits that will never sit right with you.  We're all just individual humans trying to live together at the end of the day, ya know?  Do you still love things about who he is at his core?  Do you still love him and truly care about his happiness?  Do you still admire personal qualities he has?  Do you still have good times together or even have the desire to share a future together?  Do you feel loved or even "liked" in return?

Please don't feel like you need to answer those questions here. :)  I'm just throwing out some questions that might help you process what you're feeling.  I feel for you.  It can be a very lonely place to be when you are questioning whether to move forward or walk away from a relationship.

 

ksmom14's picture

We've been together just under 7 years now. I do care about his happiness, but I'm starting to wonder if it's because he's miserable to be around when he's not happy. I feel like I do a lot but it's never enough, and I'm just feeling very over extended.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

My SO/MR.ED can be a grumpy guy when he stressed.  I can sympathize.  Thankfully, MR. ED has come to admit to himself that he is unhappy about his work situation and his lack of boundaries with his kids.  We're getting somewhere.  Sometimes we can see when our SO is actually going through life on the unhappy wave, but they have to see it and be willing to make changes.  Maybe counseling could help you both process what's really going on here.  

I read up in the comments that you may be struggling with PMDD.  That is it's own personal brand of hell!  I went through that for YEARS and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.  I took Prozac for 1 week of each month and it helped take the edge off.  They finally figured out I had a uterus full of fibroids making my hormones rage.  I ended up having a partial hysterectomy and OMG...I am so relieved to say that PMDD nightmare is far behind me!  One thing that helped during that PMDD week...I marked it on my calendar and did not allow myself to make any major decisions about work, relationships, kids, etc. during that week.  I made sure MR. ED, family, and friends were aware of this as well.  Hormones can be powerful stuff and it can wear on your self-esteem and your relationships if you happen to be having one week every month where you feel out of control and have to recover.  And you have itty bitty ones to care for?  You deserve all the hugs and compassion you can stand. <3

Siemprematahari's picture

Ksmom I know this is tough. I've been there before (1st marriage) and it weighs heavy on your mind. I would recommend marriage counseling both together and individually, like many others suggested. You can try that and see if you can use tools to help you through this. It could be you're feeling that way for now and later it may change but if this is consuming your thoughts I'd really try to address it and not waste anymore time pondering. Even if he is for the most part a good man you still deserve to be happy and not just settle. You want someone that supports and loves you.

Sometimes we outgrow people and that's ok. You have beautiful children with him and shared some good times......just do some soul searching, see a professional and see if remaining in this marriage is what your soul wants & needs.

futurobrillante99's picture

Sometimes people are miserable when things aren't all about them or going their way. Say, like when their spouse is busy being a mommy and not catering to the other spouse's wants and needs. If it's anything like that, it's very immature behavior on his part.

I know my XH1 had this notion of what a good wife was like. That wife would be frugal or work full time and earn lots of money. She would raise the kids, do the housework, cook the food and be in good physical weight, and a sex fiend.

Basically, he wanted me to be his mom, but not look exactly like her and be a sex fiend.

Your DH's misery is HIS responsibility. I wouldn't tolerate him being nasty to me and, if I was you, I would remove myself from that as much as possible.

Where XH1 was an Eeyore type (Winnie the Pooh) - a real debbie downer. XH2 hates himself and is miserable if he's not feeding the starving monster inside of him. If no one is admiring him, laughing at his jokes, giving him attention or affection, or if he's not eating something, doing something fun or buying something, he's downright miserable. That's because he hates himself and needs to have his attention occupied so he doesn't start thinking about how much he hates himself.

ksmom14's picture

I feel like you just described my DH with your two Xs...he seems to always be so negative and overy critical about things, and is never happy unless we're doing something. If I'm even in an off mood and not peppy and smiling, he goes into a mood too.

Harry's picture

By yourself and then together.  You have to get a handle on this one way or another 

justmakingthebest's picture

I actually posted this a few minutes ago in the forums... I think it still fits for your question because marriage isn't easy. You aren't going to like eachother all the time. I know many elderly couples who say there were long years where they couldn't stand their spouse, but you don't just throw a marriage away. However, here is my story:

From the 2-time loser (Thanks Mom!)

1st marriage- Really bad PTSD. He was manic, he needed help, he wouldn't get it. He was threatening to kill himself. I had to send the cops to find him more than once. He told me he hated our children and thought they were a mistake. He started doing things like punching holes in the walls. I no longer felt safe and I didn't feel that I could even leave our children in the room alone with him. I thought that it was a separation for him to get himself together but so much hurt was caused once we separated we would never even consider getting back together. Thankfully he did get help, has a lovely wife now and things are great between the 2 homes. 

2nd marriage- Abusive asshole. Our entire relationship was barely 2 years and that included the marriage. I was not in a good place and went too fast into a relationship after my divorce. He found me in me weakness and I was nothing but prey. 

 

As for your situation, it would be hard for me to be with a man that I didn't respect. I don't know if respect is something that can be recovered and repaired. I will say that divorce sucks. Like, a lot! I told DH that the only way our marriage will end will be when one of us is buried 6 ft under ground. We don't have joint kids, we don't even have a joint bank account. We are both wounded from our pasts. However, I refuse to let this go. I am no saying that the only way out of a marriage should be for safety reasons, but I think that if you guys can repair and work HARD. BOTH OF YOU. Try. Keep trying. Do everything you can. 

That can mean counseling, that can mean a semi separation where you move bedrooms around and date again. Go back to how you were in the beginning. Win each others hearts back. Fight for each other. However, if you both try and still can't come together, I think divorce is better than misery. If he isn't willing to try, then you know where you stand with him as well. I wish you the best. 

advice.only2's picture

God there were times I hated DH and couldn't even look at him without wanting to punch him, that was in the worst part of stephell. That was when I told him he had until our BD aged out at 18 and then I would divorce him and finally be free from his crap.

That was pretty much the turning point for us, that and Spawn finally aged out and I didn't have to deal with her and meth mouth anymore. We still have moments, but now I choose to be with him, I don't feel like I have to be with him.

Just remember should you divorce you are now going to have to share your children, and at some point they will have a SM.

ksmom14's picture

Thank you all so much for your insight. I feel much better just at least knowing that this doesn't necessarily mean my relationship is doomed. 

I'm going to make an appointment to see someone myself, and then also talk to DH about going to a marriage counselor together. 

I think DH and I both want to make it work, we just don't know how to/ where to go from here, I guess help is the first step.

somethingwicked's picture

Absolutely. So don't berate yourself.I was at the divorce stage with my DH several years ago mostly b/c of his Disney Daddee ways and the Helen Keller antics he employed to maintain the empowered skid status quo .Ridiculous.

Marriage counselor for both, therapist for yourself ~ all good and great ideas mentioned to get the insight and tools required to help make any needed repairs to your relationship or the decision to divorce.Good luck.