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I need to vent!

Krisk222's picture

ok, I have been dating this guy for a while. And we’ve started bringing the kids around each other about 6-7 months ago.  I have bottled up all these little irritants about his kids (and his behavior towards his kids) to the point where I am being overly critical of them and beginning to dislike them. I know how I am, and I need to get this out before I write them off. 

Mainly- they are rude.  They do things that I would be aghast at if my kids did them  we have very different parenting styles  I’ve told him we need to come to common ground before we move forward with our relationship. 

Ok, the rude thing: they go into my fridge without asking  Have since day one. I asked his son to please ask before he goes in, his response was “why?”  So I said, because it’s polite.  And he laughed a bit and said “I never ask at my dads house.”  Right. Because that’s your dads house. This isn’t. 

Then: family party. SD asks for a drink. My uncle points her to the cooler of juice boxes. She says she doesn’t like any of that juice. He offers her water. She doesn’t want water. So he says “sorry kiddo, that’s all I have to offer.” And she comes back with “can I just go look in your fridge and see what else you have?”  Dad wasn’t there, so I stepped in quickly and told her we are guests and we have to take what’s offered or nothing at all. 

At that same party, uncle cooked hot dogs for all the kids.  His son is not overweight by any means, but he has this weird thjng with food and grabbing as much as he can before others have a chance.  So the hot dogs come out ; he grabs 3. I tell him he can only have one until we know everyone got one and he finished the first one (they were the huge deli hot dogs) He argued with me a bit but agreed to put the other 2 back. He chewed down the first hot dog so fast, and immediately grabbed another... thst he took one bite of and then threw it out because (shocker) he was full. He has done this same maneuver with any food item I put out to share.  I even brought them out to dinner one time and had to keep telling him that he finished his plate, and stay away from everyone else’s.  If he was still hungry, he could get something else, but he wasn’t allowed to touch other people’s food. 

I cant talk about this with my friends/family because I’m absolutely disgusted that I feel this way about kids. And that I’m being so nit picky. I think my kids probably do similarly irritating things, but I can quickly correct them and let it go without letting it fester. 

But; I absolutely hate that people keep telling me that I have to love his kids and feel like I should inherently love them because I love him. Dude, they aren’t him! These are kids with their own personalities. Why Is it assumed that I should just click with them? Do you like every person you have a relationship with? My thoughts are, I can be good to them, I can be a good stepparent. They don’t have to know I don’t really love them all that much.  (I actually talked about this with my own stepmother who laughed and asked if I thought she really loved us through and through as kids. We have a great relationship now, but she admits that it was really hard when we were kids. She suggested venting and stop letting it fester. So here I am.) ugh, sigh. That actually felt good to get out. 

Comments

Krisk222's picture

as far as his behavior towards them, I hate that he allows them to be rude.  I don’t know if he even realizes it’s rude or if he just thinks it’s kids being kids and they are allowed to be. He doesn’t care when I correct them, but I don’t want to be the one correcting them all the time. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then stop inviting them to things.

"Sorry SO, I don't want to go out and eat if you won't stop your kids from trying to take food off other people's plate."

"Sorry SO, I don't want you and your kids visiting my family because you won't make them be respectful of the host."

"Sorry SO, I don't want you and your kids staying at my house because you won't make them follow my rules."

"Sorry SO, I don't want to go with you and your kids to the park because you don't make them behave and it is not an enjoyable experience for me and mine."

Always link it back to his lack of parenting and his inability to control his kids. Your issues aren't with the kids - they are with his inability to parent. He is right - kids will be kids. That's why parents have to be there to correct their more ferral kid behavior. "Kids will be kids" is an excuse to be a lazy parent.

lieutenant_dad's picture

There are bio parents who don't even like their own kids, and only love them because of that biological bond. To expect a total stranger, which you are, to come in and "love" these kids is woefully misguided. You aren't wrong for feeling how you feel.

What you DO need to do, though, is take off your rose-colored glasses about your BF and recognize that his kids' behavior is a direct result of his parenting, or lack thereof. It's very hard to look at someone you love and say "man, you have some bad qualities that are negatively impacting those around you". But as a SP, that has to be one of the first things you do.

You're irritated at the kids, and rightfully so, for their lack of manners. Manners that have to be taught by their parents. By their father. You need to be able to address these issues with him. While the behaviors themselves are innocent enough, the feelings behind them aren't.

What your FSKs are displaying are signs of disrespect to you and your family. These are things that Dad should be nipping in the bud and delivering consequences for. Lord help either of my SSs if they ever said any of those things to me or my family, or took food off of someone else's plate. My DH jumps on that behavior ridiculously fast, and if your SO doesn't, that's a problem.

Take a step back and examine the behaviors the kids do that annoy you, then look at their dad's response, and yours. If Dad is around, does he correct his kids? Does he discipline them? Does he pretend to not notice it happening? Then look at yourself. If Dad isn't around, do you bring it to his attention? If he doesn't say anything to his kids, do you?

You shouldn't expect to be treated like a parent, but you should expect to be treated like an autority figure, such as a teacher, police officer, etc. If the kids wouldn't talk to their teacher the way they talk to you, that's a problem but one that can be corrected. If, however, they treat the teacher like they treat you, then you have a much bigger problem. Your problem then goes from being "kids being too comfortable with you" to "kids have not been parented in the least bit", and that should give you much pause when discussing moving forward with your relationship.

Krisk222's picture

I absolutely agree. I have realized that I’m irritated with the kids, but more irritated with him for not parenting them better. 

His ex is very consumed with her new husband anf the baby they have together, and I feel like these kids get pushed aside a lot.  He’s been receptive when I’ve told him, hey, that’s not cool.  Which makes me think he really just has no idea what he’s doing. So do I teach him? Or do I tell him he has no idea what he’s doing and get lost?

I have been more assertive with correcting them. And for the most part, they pout but they listen. I just really needed to let those few things that have been bothering me out. 

still learning's picture

"So do I teach him? Or do I tell him he has no idea what he’s doing and get lost?"

That's up to you. Do you really want to take on the project of teaching an established father how to reparent his children?  It can be done but it will take a lot of work, and all that work and training will probably be undone anytime they come back from the other parents home.  

twoviewpoints's picture

Ewwww. I would not have put the handled hot dogs back. I think I would have put the other two dogs on your boyfriend's other children's plates. Or Boyfriend's plate. 

Vent away. These seemingly little things can eat away and add up.

It sounds like Dad is pretty laid back in his home. Helping themselves to Dad's fridge in his home is perfectly fine if that's how Dad does things. Back it's his job to teach the little darling social manners .... going to someone else's house and helping yourself is not going to go well with the host. 

You just hit on a topic you need to have with your BF before you think about moving in together. First, don't rush the move. You nor the kids are ready to attempt it. Second, the 'together home' should be neutral territory. Meaning not your home, and not the home he's living in. I'm a firm believer in a 'our home'. It's way too hard for the side of the family moving in to try moving into an established house. Whether it were just you, or you and your kids. If you move into his established home, it will always be 'their home'. If he and his kids move into your established home, they will always be the outsiders. 

A fresh start needs a fresh home. One where the adults are equally invested. Children must all feel on the same footing. Bedrooms sorted  out before move in so no kid can grumble 'this is my bedroom, it was mine before you moved in, and it's mine now'.

And the parenting on different pages. Again, blending families is hard work and takes lots of compromising from both sides. Going in with totally different parenting styles and lifestyles is even a larger hurdle. Maybe BF and you work on creating rules and guidelines together that both can agree to and adhere to following through with. 

You're free to vent here any time. The members are good listeners.... but the one you most have to have these sometimes uncomfortable but very necessary discussions with is your BF. Because all these little things really do build and add up. Then resentment comes, then the defensive 'you just hate my kids' from your partner. And round and round it goes. 

Lavender88's picture

I remember reading somewhere that it's mothers who teach their children manners. to mothers, manners are highly important. Dads place more value on achievements.  When mum and dad are together, the bases are covered. When mum and dad split, Dads usually turn into Disneyland dads, with limited time they have with their offspring, they don't want to spend that time disciplining them. They think they're being the good guy, but they're creating little monsters.

I was in a similar situation. His kids mum had another baby, got a job for the first time in years and it's clear she doesn't have time for her oldest 3 children anymore. As a result, they think they can do whatever they want. If they want something, Mum nd Dad both cave and buy it for them out of guilt. They acted out constantly for attention. They were so rude and entitled I couldn't stand it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Manners certainly haven't been taught to my SSs by their mother. This is a woman who, in her den mom shirt at a bridging ceremony in a school, lifted up her shirt to show DH her new belly button right while standing in line to get food.

The boys are respectful and have manners (and are hygienic with us) because DH drives it home every time he has them. Now, they may be unruly snobs when they aren't around us, but DH doesn't tolerate it.

NCP Dads CAN make their kids behave. They just tend to live in Disneyland and not do it.

hereiam's picture

Your BF doesn't think it's rude to go rooting around in other people's refrigerators?

His kids may be rude but the fact that he allows it just wouldn't sit well with me. How long have you known this guy?

You think you are irritated, now? What happens if it gets serious, you live together, get married? Forget about loving them (which you are not required to do), you will resent them, and your BF, too. They will end up resenting you, as well, if you are doing all of the correcting. And really, why should you have to?

I know that kids will be kids and will sometimes do whatever (even if taught better), but if the parent doesn't even try to correct them, or worse, doesn't see their behavior as a problem, well, that's a problem. Or, at least, it would be for me because that says more about the BF than the kids.

I would wonder, what else in life does he have this kind of attitude about?

 

Krisk222's picture

I don’t know if he thinks it’s rude and just lets it happen at my house because he thinks they should feel welcome and at home here. 

Which is a problem. He is here most of the week while they are with their mom and then goes home on the weekends when he has them. So he treats my house like his home. Which I don’t mind. But it’s not their home.  So I mind when they act like it is. 

My nieces and nephews are here frequently. I love them to death, and they know where all my snacks are, where I keep the juice boxes, etc, but they will stand right next to the fridge and wait for my reply before they open it. They know I’m going to say yes, but they still know to ask. It’s not against his kids specifically, this is behavior I would expect from any guest. 

They just don’t seem to consider themselves guests here. 

hereiam's picture

Well, they don't live there, and neither does their father, so for them to just assume it's okay, is not okay. Anywhere they happen to visit, is not "home".

 

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

They are not your children so you cannot expect to change them. Their behavior and lack of manners/couth is something you don't like. So... stop inviting them to events.

Do not expect his kids' behavior to improve. Their current behavior is how their parents raised them and it's highly unlikely your boyfriend or his ex will do anything to change their kids' lack of manners. So think loooooong and hard before you move in with him.

Read posts and blogs on this site. Read A LOT. Many are still dealing with craptastic kid behavior DECADES after these kids grew up. It's true. Some of the step 'kids' are in there 30s, 40s, 50s and still act abominably.

Krisk222's picture

i know this sounds awful, but their mom was a very young mom. Neither kid was planned. And statistics show that teen moms breed teen moms. All I can think of is that if his daughter where to get pregnant, she’d end up at our house and we would loose the freedom of having grown kids. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It doesn't sound awful at all. It sounds as if you're using logic and critical thinking to evaluate whether this relationship is right for you. I wish I had had access to solid data and statistics 25 years ago. You're being a smart cookie!

And FWIW, I think you need to require more of your bf. He needs to gain clarity that his children are ill mannered and that it's entirely up to him to change that.

momjeans's picture

These behaviors would rake my nerves horribly. I don’t even allow skid to go through my fridge when she’s here. This is MY house. LOL. 

Harry's picture

behavior happens too. I really don’t think this is going to change. Even if your EX will get on them, ?  They will go back to BM and do what they want.  

notarelative's picture

Your boyfriend is allowing it at your uncle's. He's encouraging it when he wants them to feel at home at your house.

Kids can and do learn there are different rules for different places. His kids are capable of learning as one at least asked if she could go into your uncle's refrigerator before doing so. Boyfriend needs to wake up and realize that parenting is more than making his kids comfortable.

Have you been to any if his family events with the kids? If the whole family accepts this, my only advice is to run.  Or is his family so disgusted by this that he and the kids aren't invited to things?  If his family doesn't accept this behavior, counseling and parenting classes might help.

NervousNinny's picture

You’re situation sounds awfully familiar. I also constantly struggle with rude step children. They take what they want, normally don’t think of others, and can be so rude. Like you I also had issues with the fridge but more about SD taking my organic drinks and lunch fruit, which is quite expensive and for food allergies & all because she wants to.  That was her answer. Anytime I mentioned it I was criticized or made to feel like I was a bad person. Why couldn’t she have it?  When I’m fact, kids need rules, they need to learn basic human kindness and manners, they need to be taught to respect other people’s stuff. For me they are core values and while some of the values are shared, they are missed in parenting. Unfortunately it is a very tough position to be in. Took several arguments for my partner to understand that my specialty drinks and food are mine. Finally the other day she actually told SD she couldn’t have what was mine. Parents don’t want to know bad things about their kids, they don’t want to know they need to address certain behaviours. The bio parents both want the kids to like them better than the other so if not discipling them means they like that parent more, then that is what happens. I’d love to say it gets better quickly and there won’t be issues but step parenting is sadly filled with challenges. If you tell him about the kids being rude, he may take it as you think he is a bad parent. Even though he may be a good dad the rest of the time, he has work to do. The kids will test you because they can. It is clear that our partners need to teach the kids respect and manners. That said, We can blame our partners or we can find ways to try and make it work. If you want to stay in the relationship you want to find a way to work with the kids. When they are at your place they follow your rules. Pick and choose the battles, why don’t you want them in the fridge? If they just go in and say they do at dads, they may also saying they are comfortable enough as though they were home. That is a good thing. But you should talk to their dad about being in public and your family event and how it makes you feel. What you see when it happens and why it upsets you. Find a compromise without giving in. If you don’t have good communication, it will be harder down the road. It will take some adjustment because most kids don’t just accept a new person into their family. They might protect the bio, hope they get back together,  push your limits To decide if you should stay, they don’t instantly love you. As steps we can’t expect to just love our partners kids either. Find the qualities you do like, try doing fun things in order to bond and learn about them. Then when there are issues with them, it is easier to approach. You say it’s great when.....followed by can we please work on....with SD or SS. If they don’t speak to you the way they should you could try just ignoring them until they are polite. Dad needs to step up and don’t be so hard on yourself about not liking them, that is perfectly normal. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Nothing worse than a kid with lack of manners and respect. I agree with all the posters, address this with your BF. He may be clueless but every time something goes down, point it out to him and have him address it right that second. These are basics that should have been taught when they younger. I wouldnt be up for "training" a grown @ss man but if you feel inclined to thats the way to do it. Its really sad that both parents are failing these kids by not showing them the basics of good manners.

Do they know how to say thank you at least? What a great disservice they're doing to those kids.