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kr500lover's picture

I have been reading this site for quite some time and have found some of the information shared quite helpful. I am looking for opinions on how to adapt or work on my situation. Here's some background information. I have been with my H for 11 years and I have been around my SS, 13, since he was barely walking. I considered myself lucky because my SS has always been very well behaved, performed well in school, and was a very lovable and compassionate child. I have minimal contact with the BM and found that this is best since I do not agree with some of the "life decisions" that she has made. There has been shared parenting since before I met my H.

About 6 months ago, I noticed a slight change with my SS. He started to not listen to me and had a slight attitude. I would correct him and just attributed this to "teen angst". Then I was hit with a whopper of a comment one night while my husband and I were hosting a function at our home. In front of several of our friends and family, he told me very bluntly that "I don't have to listen to you because you are not my mother." I thought I was going to fall over, because he had never been outwardly angry toward me and never made that comment. My husband was very upset and I was told it was taken care of....

My SS attitude has gotten worsen and now it is not uncommon for at least once or twice a week there is some type of outburst from him. At times my SS is very disrespectful towards me. The comment to end all comments came at another function --again friends and family around and I corrected him and he mumbled a derogatory comment under his breath about me. I was livid. After the party I confronted my stepson asking him why he said that...he looked me straight in the eye and said he never called me that and continued to lie about...Please keep in mind several people heard the comment as well. I offered my SS the opportunity for him and I to work this out ourselves and find out what was going on or I was going to my H. Then my SS says it won't matter anyway because my dad will believe me and not you. For fear I would go after my SS I walked out of the room. I waited till my SS left to see his BM to talk to my husband.

My H appeared to be upset and said he would address the situation. The past few days have been very quiet. I have not had any altercations with my SS. But I found out last night that the BM is having issues with SS as well. I also found out that SS told BM mother that I am very mean and nasty to him. My H did back me up and said that I do not yell at him I merely will correct him at that time.

Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this situation with his attitude. He is doing well in school and is a good well behaved student. His teachers love him. I guess I just don't understand why he is like this with me.

Comments

anabihibik's picture

Do you know what kinds of issues BM is having with him? Are they similar to what you're dealing with, in terms of lack of respect and not listening? One of my great fears in my situations is knowing my future sk's BM and that she's going to tell them they don't have to listen to me. I talked to my mom about it. Her suggested response to the "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my mom." is "Not because I don't want to be." I think in showing him that you will not accept this behavior and neither will your H, you are doing a great job. This is probably something that you, H, and BM can work on as a team, if that is possible, to correct the behavior in both households. Are you sure nothing major happened at BM's house or school when this all started?

To every thing there is a season.

stepwitch's picture

You are doing it right.. You and your DH are on the same page, so the first battle is won! As long as you stay consistent, SS will eventually figure it out. I know that is disheartening to hear your SS, whom you have been a major part of his life, say nasty horrible things to you.

You are so right about To every thing there is a season, his season is the beginning of teens......... This too shall pass.. Hang in there, we will listen...

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Tara12's picture

First of all welcome! I know his attitude sucks right now but please do not think it is just you. I don't think the way he is acting has anything to do with you - he is just starting that teenage stage of his life and is going to go through a period where he is going to see how far he can push his parents (whether that is your DH, BM or stepmama). When my son was that age he started having major attitude problems as well, being a smart ass, acting like everyone else was stupid except him, making comments and thinking i didn't hear him, etc. I would have gladly traded him in at that period in his life but as long as you and your DH present a united front and there are consequences to his rude behaviour he will get the picture soon enough - trust me. I am very happy to hear that you have a DH that does not try to sweep everything under the rug and it sounds like he is already addressing these issues. Hang in there and please let us know what happens. As you can see from most of the posts on here when these kids are parented by guilt they turn in to little monsters! And be prepared as it sounds like SS is already trying to play one parent against the other - hopefully the BM in your case will put her foot down as well. Take care!

smurfy1smile's picture

My BD12 has an attitude soo. If she does not want to do something she will say stuff like I don't care and whatever. My mother pulled her aside during a once a year family shopping trip to ask her why she was acting that way and she told my mother I don't give a ****! I was shocked that she would talk to her grandmother this way especially since this shopping trip was for her and her siblings and cousins. My BD12 has been having trouble with lieing too and both of her grandmothers have called her on it and she acts like they are crazy and don't know what they are talking about. I know I was a difficult teen but this is too much sometimes. I just send her to her room or threaten her with chores (cleaning the cat boxes) she hates if she does not get rid of the attitude and that seems to work pretty well. If that does not work, I take her cell phone. It is in my purse right now because she was nasty Friday morning before she left for school.
The family joke is that if her puberty doesn't kill her we may have too.

Rags's picture

500,

If I had to guess it is most likely just teen brain fart with some angst thrown in by the XWIL (ex wife in law). Even bio-kids go through the teen judgement issues. I believe with Skids it is amplified by the "your not my Mom/Dad" stuff.

It seems to me that as the kids get older and can start forming relationships that are not as dependency related as they are when the kids are young, many bio-parents become threatened by their Step counter parts and start to throw obstacles in to the relationships that may have not been there before. The XWIL in your situation sounds like she may be struggling with this and your SS is at about the right age for this to be an issue.

In our case it started when my SS was ~10-13. It finally faded when Bio-dad figured out that he cannot provide for the boy as well as his Mom and I can and that it is OK. Bio-dad finally backed off when my SS told him that it is Ok that things are not the same when SS is visiting BD, he does not expect to do the same types of things and that SS still enjoys the visitations. I never got the "your not my dad" comment but I got the under the breath comments and major rolling of the eyes, huuummphing and a whole lot of "I don't have to do this at Dad's or Grandma's house".

Once BD backed off the push back from my SS faded.

Though we have struggled to counter poor judgement issues and illogical influences by the SpermFamily since day one of our 14 year blended family adventure, we have always held my SS to the expectation that he would respect his Bio-Dad and the rest of the SpermFamily. We do not bad mouth them around my SS and he has done a good job of not being judgemental when he is with them. We bear the brunt of his bio-dad's issues.

Hopefully your SS will get through this and back to the norm of your relationship soon. If time does not fix it you can always try Military School.

Good luck and best regards,