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BM using SS5 to subtly F with me and it's making me feel crazy.

Kona_California's picture

I've generally gotten along with and bonded pretty closely with SS5. I've known him since he was 2 and he's almost 6.There's always been moments of when I felt annoyed but I would say something and he would cut it out. And it never affected our relationshp. But recently.... I've been so irritable and short he's beginning to distance himself from me. It kind of stings... but then it also fuels my annoyance.

BM is a freaking C-U-Next-Tuesday. She's emotionally abusive to her own kid and I'm picking up on some of the more subtle things she's doing to try and put SS5 in the middle. For example.... I've been wanting to get a cat for a long time. This isolation has really propelled that want, plus one of the cats I used to have back when I lived on the mainland just passed away last week. BF said to SS5 weeks ago that we're going to get a kitten, and he was stoked. Super excited. Because he's always liked cats. After that, the kid has been coming over with mean comments about cats. A week after we told him, he said "dogs are way better than cats." Saturday he said "cats are the worst." Then he said "my mommy's allergic to cats." I snapped when BF wasn't in the room and kid says "So, my mommy's going to get a dog" in the most smug way a 5-year-old can be. I spun around and said "LISTEN. This is NOT a contest. Stop comparing me to your mom. Just STOP. Your mom doesn't live here. She lives somewhere else. So she can do what she wants there. And we can do what we want here."

Kid was silent for a few minutes. Then came up and said he loves me. I think this is some kind of response mechanism he's learned from the weird ass people in his life. But yeah. He hasn't been as warm to me as before and I guess I don't blame him.

I have another example of how SS5 has been asking about me and BF getting married in front of BM. I'll put that in another post bc this is already too long.


strugglingSM's picture

We have a similar situation. SSs report everything back to BM and BM either tries to one-up us or tells Skids that what we are doing is stupid.

For example, DH tells Skids that we might get a dog. All of a sudden, BM, who is not a dog person, buys a dog.

DH tells SSs that he is taking them out for sushi for their birthday. BM rushes home from work at 3:30pm and gets sushi for Skids before drop-off. BM does not eat sushi.

We talk about possibly moving and all of a sudden, BM might be moving.

We take Skids someplace that they enjoy. Before we go, BM tells them "you've already been there", even though neither one of them can remember going.

Skids are excited about skiing until BM tells them that she signed them up to play basketball and tells them they really want to play basketball instead of going skiing with DH. Then she tells DH that he is denying Skids something they love, even though they begged DH for ski lessons and he asked them if they were sure they wanted to go skiing instead of playing basketball.

It all gets old real fast that a grown woman feels the need to try to ruin everything Skids do with DH. 

Kona_California's picture

Wow that's soooooo annoying. How long have you been with him/how long have you dealt with that? Has that ever calmed down or has it gotten worse?

Hah... this makes me think of my dad, because I'm pretty sure he would say "I bet you could have fun with that" with a mischevious smile. Like..... lead her to believe you all are doing something to get her to do something. If she hears you're getting a Ph.D. maybe she'll go do it and have the CS calculator altered. Or you're getting your hair colored a crazy color. Hahaha.

I'm just entertaining myself at this point. Smile This platform has been way more helpful during this isolation. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Same here with crazy pants BM!  Cars?  Check!  New house that cost slightly more than the one we bought (and now she cannot afford as she lost her job in Feb for not doing her work and would not be able to afford in 5 years once child support ends anyway!)?  Check! 

But the absolute best?  Our last house the kids called the Farm because I've kept chickens for years.  We live in the suburbs just outside a major city, so not a true country place at all.  BM lives across a river in a similar location.  

Shortly after we first introduced me to the skids (about 5-8 at the time, 14-17 now)) they must have been super excited about the chickens once the girls went back to her house, because what does she go out and get?  

A freaking piglet!  She takes the kids to a livestock auction and gets what she told them was a teacup pig.  Which whatever.  

She's also never had a pet in her life mind you because she's allergic to cats and dogs.

So piggy lasts one weekend, before she called my SO up to tell him we have to take the pig because she isn't zoned for livestock and the skids love piggy so much.  He would be a horrible dad if he didn't take it, blah blah blah.

 I mean, who would have thought the suburbs don't want large farm animals running around (much less bothering to check your zoning laws?) Because I would bet my last nickel that pig was going to be full size.

Joke was on her, because we aren't zoned for anything beyond chickens either.  

So she ends this by at least finding a sanctuary to leave the pig with, taking the skids with her to drop off the pet they've had for 3 whole days.  

Sorry to go on.  But these BMs are freaking nuts.  They want the attention of our SOs because they are so mentally disordered, they can't give up that power.  Their kids are just extensions of them.  Pawns is the correct word.  

You will have to decide if this is worth it.  My fiancé has really done his best to keep her in check and not in our lives.  Things aren't always perfect.  But it was enough that I could handle what interruptions she's made.

If your DH isn't doing everything he can to shut her down hard each and every time, then that is a problem most of us would have.

Hang in there!


Booboobear's picture

flys with honey.     anything said about mommy or mom,   My mom likes dogs.  "OMG, My mom likes dogs too, ss! we have so much in common."    my mom would love this sunset.   "*smiling* my mom would love this sunset too! *hugging ss*"     my mom is allegric to cats   "OMG, MY MOM is not allergic to cats, but when she wore that dress it had hair all over it and she had to use making tape to remove it before she went to the party!" (lots of hugs and smiles) "lets go color paper bags together!"