The more I read about...
....Borderline Personality Disorder, the more I think we both are afflicted with it. Could this be that same feeling I get whenever I look up a bump online or in a medical journal and come to the conclusion I have Cancer or AIDS?? (that always happens, haha)
Enter symptoms,(types: bump on right arm) = Many bumps on right arms are found to be, (enter large latin word), and the precursor to AIDS.
OK, Please tell me you get my drift and that I am not the only one that is diagnosed with terrible diseases when I search my symptoms.
Kevin The Man
(any bumps on arms in this blog were completely fictitious and are not intended to portray actual bumps on arms)
HIV free since 1974
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Kevin!!
You crack me up... I don't know enough about you or your SO to make that diagnosis. But I am curious as to why you dismissed my thought that you could be addicted to her. Can you tell me that? From wikipedia....
The term "addiction" is used in many contexts to describe an obsession, compulsion, or excessive psychological dependence
The term addiction is also sometimes applied to compulsions that are not substance-related, such as problem gambling and computer addiction. In these kinds of common usages, the term addiction is used to describe a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences, as deemed by the user himself to his or her individual health, mental state or social life.
I don't know if you are Borderline personality... but I do still think that you are addicted to this woman. That when you are happy, your serotonin levels are on the rise and all is right with the world. And when you are not with her, you think about being with her, or when you can be with her, or getting to her.
I'm sorry.... But if I could recommend anything to you, it would be to find out what physical and mental changes you go through when you are with her and without and proceed from there.
Actually no
To put it bluntly, I do not have many friends outside of work and my room mates, however, I am a very dedicated family man. When I am off, I am interacting in all of their lives and having fun. Do I call her when I am not there and wish to share a thought or experience with her? Sure. That's part of love and a relationship right? Do I miss my family NOW and trying to do what I can to iron out the issues so that I can have them back? Absolutely!! I can tell you that I am not addicted, I am just giving 110% to work things out.
I do not call 50 times a day, I do not keep tabs on her (maybe the boys), can I walk away and find someone new, sure. I have a pretty healthy record of just me time, I see her out with her friends often too. I am not addicted, I just have a lot of love for these three humans and am not ready to just lay down and allow them to believe that I don't care.
Kevin The Man
Hey Kev
Yes, I understand what you are saying. I guess I just asked because I find it interesting that you would say you are borderline personality disorder before even considering the fact that you might "psychologically need" your SO in your life.
I think you've more than proven to them and to us that you care. I just think that you caring so much and trying to get them to see that is to the detriment of your own mental health. Please know that that's where I'm coming from when I respectfully write to you.
I also think that Rags is right! I just don't know if your SO is as co-dependent as you may be.
Upon reading the Wikipedia...
..definition of co-dependent, she may actually be more co-dependent than I. The criteria all fits and works out perfect IF you use her children as the ones she is co-dependent to. From the almighty Wiki:
* tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own (her children)
* continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others(control me, kids, her life)
* anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation(I always break boundaries, Buckets and Peeps)
* difficulty expressing feelings(she lets it build up, and NEVER forgets)
* excessive worry how others may respond to one's feelings(walking on eggshells approach, she admits to)
* undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others(retracts quickly from arguments, wants none of it)
* self-esteem dependent on approval by others(maybe her education fits this as she is on her way this year to get her PHD)
* tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others(this is only her if she is taking on her mothers values as drinking and smoking were never an issue until SO's mother had the issue)
I had read a lot last night about BPD and it fit my shell very well, in 1989 when those that had it were a total lost cause. The book I am currently reading is from 2007 and outlines it very clearly. Although there are similarities, it is just not an outright match for either her or I, although, I am still reading.
For examples sake, lets use the same formula on me:
* tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own (for my loved ones, yes, THEY come first but I know I cannot love them fully w/o loving myself)
* continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others ( I make exceptions but rarely ones I cannot live with)
* anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation ( I have had PTSD and deal with anxiety sometimes, but totally have my boundaries grounded in reality)
* difficulty expressing feelings (I will tell you what I think, even if you don't like it)
* excessive worry how others may respond to one's feelings (tough, grow up, I have something to say here)
* undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others (I do not like rejection but, who does? You only hurt me if I let you)
* self-esteem dependent on approval by others (I do not care what you think, never have)
* tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others ( I find myself conforming to her ways, not out of reason, but out of an effort to compromise and seek middle ground, she seems unwilling to meet in the middle)
Kevin The Man
Kev. Try this book. Codependency may be something you are
both dealing with. It is a real problem in many relationships but is completely surmountable.
Co-dependency is far more likely than BPD in my layman's opinion.
The Therapist that my XW and I saw during the demise of our marriage assigned it to us to read. I was the only one who read it. The book and the very Sexy therapist helped me rediscover the Rags I liked being and have been foundational in my life success since the skanky Ho left me for her Geriatric Fortune 500 Executive Sugar Daddy nearly 20yrs ago.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (Paperback)
by Melody Beattie
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Kevin
You are probably only afflicted by the fleas we pick up from our BPDs. If you lay with dogs, you're bound to get them. Also, with the criteria that fits a borderline, we can all be guilty of having such traits, like we can all be narcisstic at times in our life.
When I am knee deep in the whirlwind that is BPD, I can feel pretty dysregulated myself.
BPD is a lot about the reactions that follow any given emotion. We can have extreme emotions and extreme reactions but it's about how we process these emotions, the remorse we feel, the accountability of our actions. A BPD has trouble processing emotions and an even harder time with their reaction icluding impulse control. They actually FEEL extreme in their emotions even when it is an unqualified event.
The fact that you read the criteria and think you have it tells me you are not BPD.
Only because the projection and blame is such an overwhelming part of it, that they are unable to admit anything is wrong without a professional diagnosis... and even then, it can be problematic to get them to seek treatment that they so desperately need.
It's a vicous cycle and no laughing matter in my book.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Colorado Girl
I totally agree. I was diagnosed BPD back in 1997.... several years of medication and intense therapy I was declared "recovered". Not "cured" but "recovered". BPD does sometimes wane with age, and that worked in my favor.
BPD is serious stuff, EXTREME emotional rollercoaster with the impulses you mention. I am fortunate that I don't struggle with it like I did at one time. On a rare occasion it will rear it's ugly head but I can now beat it back down. It's a hard fought battle!
I have bought a book today on it...
...always the problem solver. I have been highlighting the important parts that correspond to both my SO and I and have delved into the book quite deeply. I am on my staycation so I can. I am beginning to believe that although I am learning about the human mind and its corresponding behavior and that is all good, the truth is I don't see either of us fitting into this mold. I will keep all updated.
Kevin The Man
What I found so liberating about the Walking on Eggshells book
Was it was balanced in what the bpd person does to you, and your responsibility for you how you react to it.
And the section about how nonbpd SO's can mirror their bpd SO after a while. You start out trying to react rationally, as has worked your whole life with other people. Then you are in this irrational dance with someone and out of frustration you start to treat them the way they've been treating you.
I haven't read a lot about BPD's seeking each other out, though I'm sure it happens. I'm thinking it wouldn't last long b/c the BPD's number one preoccupation is finding ways to get their perceived needs met, all the while trying to avoid abandonment. They will avoid the latter to the degree of shoving someone away a hundred times to see if they come back or not, then when the SO finally has had enough, the BPD says, "Ah-HA! I knew you were going to leave me!"
I don't remember if I was the one suggesting BPD in your case or not, but sometimes I think it doesn't matter what you have or your SO has. The suggestions for relating better in the books about borderlines, will work for most people in most situation. As CG says, we all have our dysfunctional thinking in relationships.
Co-dependents may also seek each other out. And I think to some degree that fits DH and myself. (Maybe CG and her DH too?) That's a rocky road too, but not as rocky as the borderline/non relationships appear to be.
I'm just a layman too though.
I do think just like your own statement about learning about the human mind and its corresponding behavior is all good and can be helpful to figure things out from a different perspective along the way. I have stopped attaching to diagnosis though, and have come to see "mental illness" as different manifestations of humanity (genetic) and adaptive environmental coping skills (not always positive in their applications.)
No kiddin' Although according to what I've heard about
That Stepmonster book, we are by nature of being women more likely to behave in a co-dependent fashion as SMs.
Doomed I tell ya! DOOOOOOOOOMMMMEEED!
But in all honesty, SD is far from the only borderline (at least 2 diagnosed so later, and some yet to be) to be drawn to me like bees on honey. I am so in love with nurturing and filling the voids of others that at first it seemed like a kindred spirit made in friendship heaven.
Then the theatrics began. The difference with those friends was, as much as I loved them and cared about them, eventually I saw it was unhealthy for me to remain close to them. So when they felt abandoned (one b/c I turned her back over to her mom when I found out she had stolen from all our friends, including myself- the second friend when I met DH and wasn't at her disposal anymore) and they left my life, or in the case of one them continues to float in and out of it, I can say, "Ok...see ya when you're up to it." And let it GO.
Not so easy when it's your DH's daughter.
Or a BM for others.
You can't ever just let go of them while the kids are minors, and letting go even of an adult child you love is nowhere the same as a good friend.
Oy vey.
At least now when I meet someone who is not aware of their poor relational skills and looking for a void filler, I can set up boundaries immediately that allow for a casual friendship and not total enmeshment.
I AM LEARNING!!!!
You are way advanced!
I am going to start implementing as many of those as I can muster.
As soon as I get back from running to the bank b/c SD called and needs the money DH never paid her for mowing the lawn so she can go to the mall with a friend.
JUST KIDDING!