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KendraKae's picture

Alright here it goes. First I'll give you the players in this game and some background info. This might help with some advice I'm needing. 
Me: 39 yo mother of 2. My daughter is 21 and lives on her own. Self employed, independent, overall a joy to be around. 
My son is 20. Joined the National Guard at 18, has one daughter who is 1, and another baby on the way. He lives a state over with his gf. 
My bf: 38 yo with 6 kids between 2 women. Ages are 18-D, 17-S, 16-D, 15-S, 13-S, and 12-D. At the moment I am housing my BF and the 18, 15, and 12 year olds. 15-S lives with us on a full time basis. 
Alright. Here it goes. Lord help me. 
Started dating BF in 2014. He moved in with me, with out any of his kids. My son moved back with his father shortly after BF moved in. My daughter stayed and things went very well. When my daughter turned 18, she moved into her own house. Then, it was just us two. Life was good. The house was clean and quiet, Bills were paid. We didn't have a worry in the world. 
Flash forward to now, 2020. 
My BF 15-yo son has lived with us for almost 2 years. He's a handful but he's a good kid. He and BF butt heads akot, but he's never been a problem for me. We have a great understanding. Last year I was finally able to become a homeowner. The BF and I found the perfect house together. Perfect for the 3 of us. 2bd 1bath. I excitedly went out and bought new furniture, rugs, the whole 9! And I take a ton of pride in my house and how it looks. 
Ok, got a little side tracked but I'm trying to paint a picture. It might end up being an abstract one. 
Back to 2020. At the end of February his 18-D ended up on our doorstep. Literally. He calls me while I'm in the hospital recovering from a surgery related to my kidney transplant and tells me his daughter will be staying with us for a week or so. As much as I wanted to scream NO, I'm like...ugh whatever. She made herself comfortable on the couch. Turns out she has to be the messiest, nastiest, smelliest person on earth. My front room became overran with trash, laundry, and food wrappers. They end up arguing over it and he put her out. We had to spend all day cleaning and sanitizing the living room. 
Now enters his 12-D. The mom drops her off for the weekend and since Coronavirus hit, she hasn't been here to pick her up. She drops bags of junk food off at 10pm and hangs it from our front door handle. She's just as messy as her 18 yo sister on a slightly smaller scale. 
So....2 weeks after putting 18-D out, her mom drops her back off with all her bags again. She says she just can't deal with the nastiness. 
One house. 2br. 1 bath. 5 people. It's crammed to capacity and my patience is thin. 
The girls have now became so comfortable that they cook when they want. Don't clean up after themselves. Don't even ask them to do dishes. My living room looks like a homeless shelter blew up. I have mice now. And the BF won't do anything about it!!! Not a thing. 
I have refused to do any dishes that I did not create myself. I do not do laundry unless it's mine. I no longer cook meals or buy food for the house. I'm hiding towels and all of my personal hygiene products. I have had it to the point of tears. Anytime I bring it up to my BF it's an argument that lasts days!!!! I don't even want to be in my own home and have considered finding a studio apartment just to have some peace of mind. 
Here is where it's tricky. We all live in the house I bought. However my BF has paid half of the mortgage the entire time we have been here and feels he is entitled to half of the house, therefore he is not leaving. Legally can I put him and his 3 kids out? Should I move out and have him sign a lease? Because at this point, I could care less about MY house. 
These last few months has put so much stress on our relationship and even more stress on me. 

Please help me before I go crazy. 

PS, he has a severe case of guilty dad syndrome due to the fact that him and his ex lost custody of the first 3 kids to the state and they were shortly adopted out to a family. The adopted family raised those 3 in a good home and provided them opportunities that he never could. I know he carries guilt over it but he also needs to step up and be a man now more than ever. 



Seamus853's picture

Seems like first thing you have to do is decide how much you want to still be with your BF.

Is there some reason (hint hint his kids) that you and he are not to a marriage phase? Maybe you can see into the future and to be with him is to be with his kids. And he may not be worth it. 

The other thing to consider is will his daughters realistically move out? and if they do, could they end up being back?

Guilt is HUGE thing with these dads and so they bend over backwards so much I am the one that gets back pain just watching it. And the guilt doesn't go away when they're older because when the grandkids come, there is almost a desperation of wanting to re-play the whole thing, kinda like a second chance. Trust me on that one.

Kes's picture

I'm sure we are all agreed on the fact that things cannot carry on as they are, huh?  That being said, I think the first thing you need to do is consult a lawyer about your position regarding the house.   When you bought the house, I imagine there was no expectation that it would end up being home to 3 of your boyfriend's children. It's just not big enough in any case.  We live in a 3 bedroom house and down the years, it has always been one of my reasons I can't take in the SDs, because my two adult daughters and their kids visit regularly and stay over, and there just isn't room.  

Anyhow, see what the lawyer says.  The house is legally yours if you bought it and it's your name only on the papers.  

SteppedOut's picture

Legally the house is yours. He paid rent. 

Unfortunately, eviction will likely not happen until the pandemic calms down a good bit. Do not leave the home, at least until you ok it with an attorney. 

But. This will not change. And if it does, it will for only a short time. They will be back. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Make sure you follow their advice, whether it's to set up rental agreement for your BF or whatever, so you  and evict him when the time comes. If his name is not in the deed, it is yours.  He's just renting.

Make life miserable for the girls so they don't want to stay.  Do they have a room?  If so, their trash (minus whatever will attract pests) left in a common area goes in bed.  You need to vacuum at 6:30 am every day and once at night because you have mice. Reassert yourself.  BF doesn't like it?  If he starts yelling call the police. 

You are being taken advantage of. You don't have to take any of this. 

tog redux's picture

I'm a little confused. Did none of these minor kids ever visit with your BF? You describe it as just the two of you, then just the three of you ... none of them spent any time in your home at all?

I don't understand which part of "we don't have room" your BF doesn't understand, but it's absurd for him to think it's just fine to cram two more of his kids into a 2-bedroom place. (Honestly, the minute you said he had SIX kids with two women, I knew this guy was going to be a problem).

As the others said, he is a renter. He's not entitled to anything because you aren't married. Have an attorney let him know that, and maybe he won't hang around to be evicted. But in any case, start eviction proceedings if you are done with him.


SMto3's picture

How did he lose custody of the first 3 kids? 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I would consult an attorney. Since you own the home you have the right to evict BF and SD -18 or just SD-18, but it may require a court order. As far as being unable to provide an adequate sleeping area for the minor 12-D, you can make a CPS call and they can intervene and recommend that she goes back to BMs home because it is a better environment for her. If you start an eviction process in SD-18, BF may accept your decision or get so upset he leaves voluntarily. 

Gimlet's picture

Are the six kids you listed above IN ADDITION to the three that he had taken away??  Because you said 18-D and 12-D had the same mom.  Where are 17-S, 16-D, 13-S?

Livingoutloud's picture

So he had 9 kids total and three were taken away by the state? Are there drugs involved? 
 It sounds all too much for my taste. It's your house. You should enjoy it not being overrun by bunch of people 

Also kids being taken away snd adopted out sounds like not loss of custody but loss of parental rights



Exjuliemccoy's picture

You don't even have your own children living with you! Little by little, you've allowed this man and his mountain of bad decisions to take over your life. Now there's no longer any room for you in your own home! You need to have a come to Jesus with yourself, raise your standads, and take back your life.

Good decisions need good information, so consult a real estate attorney. They'll help you come up with a plan to get these trashy people out of your home.

I agree that you need to be more assertive and start making your home an inconvenient flop house. Warn your bf that either he handles his daughters or you will, and he won't like how you do it. Then, implement Operation Roust A Sloth. Be direct in your dealings with his daughters and spell out what you expect them to do in terms of cleaning. Tell the adult skid that as of 1 May, she will be expected to pay $____  rent. Take the Wi-Fi router and all tv controllers with you when you go to work, and cancel all luxuries like cable and Netflix. Separate your money from your bf's, and do not pay for ANYTHING related to his kids.

Seriously, F this guy. I'm getting more and more angry as I type.  He's a low rent user who believes he can intimidate you into accepting his trashy lifestyle and keep paying half the bills. You're not even married, for goodness sakes. The entitlement is just unbelievable. 


Livingoutloud's picture

I  am taken aback that he "feels" half of your house is his. Really? This guy takes advantage of you. 

CLove's picture

Consult a lawyer and buckle down for the hard ride to single-town.

You do not owe him anything, so get that straight in your head.

You did battle with illness and now its time for another battle.

While COVID is here, there are to be no evictions, SO GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW FOR THE FUTURE.