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Separate houses? - Update

Kelamity's picture

Thanks for your comments on my last post everyone (October 8th).

DH and I went for our first counseling session on Friday and it went okay, although he commented at the end of the session that he thought it was a “good place for you to vent DW”. Hmmm, not the point, supposed to be the two of us working together to figure out a way to have SD17 move home that would be tolerable for all concerned (such as making her accountable for her actions because it is not only good for her growth and development as a mature, responsible person, but that it is good for everyone in the house not to have to put up with her behaviour). He agreed to go for more sessions, and also to do some reading, so here’s hoping something will click at some point that the problem isn’t that SD17 and I don’t get along (mostly her part, I have bent over backwards to make things work, although I must admit, when you are hated for years on end for no reason other than your sheer existence, it’s very difficult not to hate back!), it’s that DH needs to stop guilt parenting and laying down some consequences for poor behaviour.

The counselor made two very interesting points. One, she does not agree with the modern thinking that in a step-situation, the bio parent should be the only one disciplining children. She feels that any adult in the home should be disciplining when a child is behaving inappropriately (ie a step-parent, grandparent, aunt, etc.) as children need to know their place in the family and that adults are authority figures, like it or not. Of course, she qualified that by saying the consequences should be agreed on by the bio-parent and other “adult” and communicated to the child so they know that if they do X, then Y happens, regardless of who is doing the disciplining. Something I have always thought myself. The other thing she said, is that consequences don’t have to be “severe” to be effective, they just have to be “certain” so the child knows that if they cross the line, they will not get away with it. The only thing SD17 is “certain” of, is that she won’t ever get any consequences for any behaviour.

I talked to DH’s closest sibling and she also agrees, he lets SD17 walk all over him, for fear of ruining his relationship with her (which, trust me, can’t get much worse anyway) and that if he lets his SD17 come between his marriage, it will be the hugest mistake of his life. She is going to try to talk to him as well (DH really respects her and has often sought her out in times of trouble to get her opinion) and try to help him to see that he needs to do some work himself with his parenting, that running away and getting a separate house won’t help the situation with SD17, it will only make it worse, as she will then feel she has achieved her goal of splitting us up!

I know the only person we can control is ourselves, but I am hoping DH comes to a realization that he can make some changes to his parenting style and that it will possibly improve his relationship with SD17 in the long run.

Comments

kfeller1127's picture

So, without going back and reading previous blogs, your DH is thinking about getting another residence and living there with SD17? Just the two of them? What about the two of you?

Kelamity's picture

Kfeller, yes, his thinking is that to avoid the stress of having SD17 live with all of us (she hates me with every fibre of her being which makes for a very tense household), he would get a separate place for the two of them until she is old enough to be on her own.

kfeller1127's picture

Wow, does he think she'll grow up and be a responsible adult anytime soon? If you think she's bad now, just wait until they have their own place together. She'll feel even MORE entitled to her selfish, disrespectful actions, in my opinion. That is just giving her the title of :EQUAL, rather than child and adult. I couldn't stand it in your position. And I wouldn't be willing to wait around for a guilt-ridden father to finally decide to be a parent and not a friend to his child.

belleboudeuse's picture

That's exactly what I was thinking. The lesson he would be teaching her is 'If I just bitch and howl as loud as I can, I will eventually get my way." That is no lesson to learn, and does not bode well for her having a lasting long-term relationship in the future.

UCSM (BB)

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

Kelamity's picture

I agree. DH once told me about SD17 that "if you give her an inch she'll take a mile" and when I remind him of that, he is very defensive. She has definitely proven time and again that she is opportunistic, and will keep pushing as much as she can get away with, which works great as DH has his head in the sand most of the time!

now4teens's picture

I went back and read your first post.
Dear God! I am so sorry for the horrible situation your DH has put you in.
Yes, your DH- I totally blame him for this, of course, as HE is the key to fixing this situation in controlling SD17s behavior. And yes, I am speaking from experience in living with a former uber "guilt daddy"!

So far this counselor seems pretty good in her thinking, as you indicated about the rules for establishing consequences coming from "all the adults". However, at this point, it doesn't seem like your DH is CAPABLE of following through with ANY form of consquences because he feels it will (GASP)upset his precious princess! (Gee, and one WONDERS why she's pregnant with some slimeball's kid???? NOT!)

I just have to know...WHAT did the counselor say to you and DH when you described DHs "brilliant" solution to fixing the problem with his daughter- moving out, just the TWO of them, so as not to UPSET HER or cause additional stress on HIM?

Did she have to try really hard to keep herself from laughing? I'm sorry for making light of this,hon, but this has got to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of! Doesn't he realize that if he does this, she will KNOW what she has her DADDY BY THE BALLS and can manipulate him FOREVER????

And you, in turn, are nothing but the shit on his (and her) shoe?

This has to be the most disrespectful thing I have ever heard and I'm truly sorry you are being put in this this predicament.
Sad

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

Kelamity's picture

5teens thanks for taking the time to read everything, and I appreciate your humour. You know counsellors, they don't show a lot of reaction to anything, just keep taking notes Smile But of the options DH listed, she clearly thought SD17 living with us with agreed upon guidelines and consequences is the best one. I am so much hoping that DH comes around, but if he doesn't that leaves me with a choice of whether to wait around while he "fulfills his obligation".

Kelamity's picture

Hi Crayon - must say I really like reading your comments to posts. DH believes that if he moves out with SD17 that I will wait around for him until he deals with this. He's in for a shocker I guess if it comes down to that (and me too I guess - I really don't want a divorce, I truly love DH, but I also love myself and you can only take so much disrespect before you start to disrespect yourself - it will be the ultimate betrayal of our marriage vows if he makes that decision).