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Kaylen2308's picture

Hello all, I am new here and found this while searching about dealing with SD's. So I will start by explaining what brought me here,

I am 40, have 2 children from previous marriage of 20 years. They are 23 and 21.  I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years and found out a week ago I am pregnant. So in trying to wrap my mind around that, I was told last night that SD 11 now wants to live with us. She has been living with BF mom since she was 5. That was because of circumstances at the time. Her mother died when she was a baby. SD has been raised by grandma for over 6 years, never wanting to live with us. Different school districts being one issue. So being raised by grandparents she has been catered to. She is 11. She has to be told when to shower, dress, brush hair , that is IF grandma doesn't brush it for her which is rare. She won't pick out own clothes and she wont pick up after herself. When she does eat , it is either pizza, hotdogs or fast food.  She basically is allowed to drink her meals. Pop, chocolate milk or sweet tea. If anything is cooked that she doesnt like, grandma or BF will make her what she wants on top of whats already been made. And even if she doesn't finish, she Then gets junk food.  Then after she eats, the plate, cup etc are left for someone else to clean up.  She was given a cellphone for her birthday in November from an uncle, and she is on it from time she wakes til bedtime. Where she lives now she doesn't have a very good signal. So grandma and daughter show up here Friday unbeknownst to me that they were even coming to stay. And last night 11 yo decided she wanted to move in. When asked why the change of heart all she said was, better internet here. She isn't happy about the new baby and I understand that, however now BF is upset with me because I'm not on board with such a big change all of a sudden.  I try to explain between the hours he is working right now (8am-dark) and me spending 90% of my time in bed from not feeling good, I dont think it's a good idea. I wasn't consulted about her staying here even tho I would be the one with her all the time, I feel like we'll now since I'm pregnant and not working because of Covid19 I'm just expected to take on the role. I don't want to have to reparent an 11yo that has no responsibility. And BF is type where she does no wrong so why is it a big deal?  I feel bad for feeling this way, but I also dont feel it's fair..any advice?  Thanks for reading!

Comments

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I don't have any advice beyond make sure you don't turn into an unpaid nanny.  

In a sneaky advice way, I'd suggest that you manufacture spotty internet connection at your place.  *diablo*

Thumper's picture

Hi, welcome to steptalk. Glad you found us.

The first thing I noticed was there is a lack of boundaries in BF's family. Its a free for all. The Uncle bought a cell phone and Granny and kid just show UP on your door step? Child living with Granny since she was 5? It all appears very haphazard. ..no wonder the child is this way.

It's a free for all. Can you see that?

Who is collecting ssi death benefit from BM to the child? I realize it is a bold question to ask..you don't have to answer.

My suggestion is for you:  to take a long hard look at how you want your life to look like,  raising a new born, a toddler and child with all of these people in your life. "just the way they all are today". NOT what you hope it will be like.

 

 

 

 

 

Kaylen2308's picture

100% agree on the boundaries, or lack there of..BF collects SSI and uses it as needed for his self/bills. 

Thank you for the advice, I def have ALOT to think about.

tog redux's picture

Now, if my DH ever said, "OK, SS is moving in with us tomorrow," I'd be like wait, WHAT? You made a decision without my input? No he's not moving in without a discussion about the rules and maybe never.

Please have it out with your BF. He doesn't get to make this decision unilaterally, and he also doesn't get to decide that since you are a woman, you will be the one caring for her.

Kaylen2308's picture

Thanks for the reply, I also thought the same thing, Wait...WHAT?  it was all decided within 10 min and then I got involved. Like can we discuss this with the person y'all are expecting to care for this child? 

Iamwoman's picture

Tell your BF that your own health and your own child are your number one priority.

That you will not be caring for his child while he is at work, and you will not be caring for her when he is home.

If he has a problem with this, then he doesn't really love you - he is just using you.

Being someone's SO or spouse, does not mean that you also suddenly become that person's domestic servant. Sadly, many men fail to realize this.

I would rather be alone than be with a man who expects anything more than loyalty and love from me. 
You are under zero obligation to "serve" a man simply because he has chosen to "grace you with his sexual services."

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Also, pregnant at 40 may not be a permanent thing. Make sure you get the testing done for defects, etc. Otherwise you might find yourself tied to this self-serving man for the rest of your life.

 

Kaylen2308's picture

Not to sound like I'm straight out of the 50's but even if he is the o e supporting me right now financially, its still ok to not feel obligated to take care of his kid? I agree with that, but how do i convince him?  Long road ahead...thanks for the advice. 

Iamwoman's picture

It is still ok to set boundaries for yourself even if he is supporting you financially 100%.
You did not agree to be his paid nanny - plus even a paid nanny gets more than just room and board.

 

If he thinks he can dictate your life for you, regardless of his decision to financially support you, then he is out of his mind.

I'm sure you two had some sort of agreement, such as you'll do majority or all housework while he goes to work. You never agreed to raise his horrible daughter, and it is not fair for him to ask that of you, let alone force it upon you.

That is called "strings attached," and again, that is not love.

Kaylen2308's picture

Nope, never have I agreed to be the one taking care of her. They just think it's the way it should be, they love her and think she is an angel, so they think I should to.  And honestly until I read some of these blogs today, I thought something was wrong with me because I don't see her like that. If I am honest with myself, she makes me uncomfortable. She stares and if you talk to her, sometimes she talks normal and sometimes she meows like a cat or clicks like a chicken. She's 11.  Or sometimes she just wont respond at all.  Not only to me, to anybody. It's weird to say the least.

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Welcome to StepTalk I personally have found it to be a great place to learn and vent!

Like "Goodluck" said boudaries definitely seem to be an issue in this family dynamic and it will be an uphill battle...but here is my advice.

1. Set up some house rules (like don't leave your things all over the house, keep your room and bathroom clean, brush your own hair and teeth, bathe daily) and include daily chores that will help you and make sure SD11 has consequences for not finishing chores.  I suggest taking away the cell phone as a good consequence.  Make these written and agreed to by DH and SD BEFORE she moves in!!

2. Set up some rules between you and DH. I have the rule that if DH decides to let SD11 off of the chores then he has to complete them.  They should never fall on me!  We also have the rule that your kid your responsibility.  Meaning if you need my help with care of any Stepkids I should be asked.  If I'm willing great; if not no guilt trips.

3. Kids in the house eat what is made for them.  I do my best to make things we all like but I'm not going to eat junk food 24/7.  If DH wants to cook something seperately for SD then it has to be made after she tries whatever we are having for dinner and the family is done eating. No kid gets to derail meals.

4. Set up strict guidelines for the cell phone.  In our house we do less than 3 hours on the device during school time and less than 5 hours when they aren't in school.  They can earn more time by doing an extra chore or something above and beyond for school.  We also require the kids to plug in all devices in the kitchen after 10 pm on school nights and midnight on non school nights. We've learned the hard way that lots of bad things can happen on cell phones and we check out kids phones regularly.  Make sure SD11 understands that just because Uncle bought the phone doesn't mean you can't check it and restrict it.

I found that if everyone understands my rules and boundaries up front things tend to go better.  If DH doesn't want to agree to these things find a middle ground and discuss with SD before she moves in.  I would also talk to her with DH about why she wants to leave grandma's house now and let her know it's not okay to bounce back and forth.  It sounds like SD has lived without boundaries for most of her life so she really will need strong boundaries if she's going to be a functioning adult at some point.  She probably really needs help and DH isn't helping her by allowing all of this.  This leads to her not being able to be a successful adult...which is really sad.

It sounds like you will have a tough transition ahead of you.  PM me if you ever think I can be helpful!

Kaylen2308's picture

Alot of great points! Some of which I have considered, making a chart with rules and expectations BEFOR she moves in. I honestly think she might change her mind with that step. It is to easy for her right now, and I honestly dont know how she would react to enforced expectations.  

She is in there right now still in pajamas and grandma telling her more then once to get dressed, brush hair/teeth, get homework done...been a nice calming day ha. 

BF just dropped in for 5 min and left. I'm pretty much getting silent treatment from him now.  Ah well, thank you for the advice, it helps to vent I guess.

CLove's picture

You should definitely have input into SD living with you full time, especially now and especially since there are not any appropriate boudnaries. You can start there.

That is, if you are choosing to stay.

Also, have that talk with your BF, about perhaps changing his schedule.

AND I would suggest nanny cams because once you lay down some rules the little princess will start accusing you of abuse or other things, to get attention and to get her way.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

SO I'm going to be a bit of a devil's advocate in a way.

I AGREE with the ladies above that you absolutely should not be the one doing all the childcare. He can deal with all that. Just because you're the one home, doesn't mean you need to handle his kid all the time, especially when she's become a product of 1) him allowing the child (who was what? 5 when mom passed away) to decide to live with the grandparents. and 2) maintain no rules or boundaries.

HOWEVER. Your boyfriend is collecting the SSI.  THat is his child. And I think the child should be raised by the parent whenever possbile. Not a grandparent.  As your BF seems alive and able.  I agree SD should come live with you.

Another however though.  THis should be with some rules and boundaries.  HE picks up after her or gets her to pick up.  HE handles childcare and finds something for when YOU are not willing. if HE has to go somwhere then HE asks if it's okay for SD to stay with you.  

Kaylen2308's picture

She was almost 2 when BM passed.  He had her til she went with grandparents because of living situation/work.  And its been that way since. 

Thank you for the advice, I am here for all suggestions, not just what I want to hear. Any help is appreciated.

SecondNoMore's picture

I've re-read this over and over. You are 40. You have two kids in their early 20s and were married for 20 years. And you have had this BF for six years. Does that mean you were married at 14? Is that legal anywhere?

tog redux's picture

She said her oldest is 23, so she was 17 when she was born, 19 when the second was born.

The marriage thing is confusing, I assume she perhaps wasn't divorced when she started dating the BF?

SecondNoMore's picture

Subtracting 23 and 21 from 40 wasn't so much the problem. The marriage/dating numbers did not add up.

Kaylen2308's picture

Yes, sorry for the confusion. I was with ex husband since 15. Had our son at 16 and married at 17. We were technically only married 18 years but together 20. New BF entered picture during divorce. 

Harry's picture

One SD does not move in until all issues are discussed and have a answer,  who taking of SD. Not you, he must have day care set up for SD. 
Second nothing happens until you both agree.  Bed time, internet, cooking, cleaning ect. 

Findthemiddle's picture

I think you have a good handle on the situation and are thinking clearly.  Setting the rules out - in writing on a chart or whatever from the start is your best bet.  That way everyone is clear on what is going to happen.  If you don’t, it will be more stressful for you, appear random to the child, create chaos/misunderstandings between the parties, and it definitely won’t work. I have to feel for the little girl- her mom died, her dad wasn’t able to care for her - she is likely going to have some issues coming from that situation.  I would talk to a family counselor or, at a minimum, do some research on the internet before she got there - so I would have some tools and coping strategies on hand.  Congratulations on your pregnancy! 

hereiam's picture

Then last night SD decides she wants to move in.

SD does not just get to decide that she is going to move in (because of the internet?) and if your BF steam rolls over you, and expects you to be her caretaker, you have a bigger problem than the SD.

Oh, wait, re-reading some things, you really do have a much bigger problem.

Sorry that you are dealing with such a deadbeat.