My "DH"-- an unfitting abbreviation really, we are engaged for next summer-- my fiancé-- is a good man. He works very hard, and gives 60-75% of every paycheck to BM. This leaves him some weeks with $75 to himself after working. 40 hours, and he is taking online classes to get a second degree and hopefully get a better job. Bm really did a number on him. He used to have a much better paying job, when they were married, he worked at a plant and made $18/hr plus frequent OT, but during the divorce he learned that his mother was very ill and maybe dying, and they were losing their home because BM over-drew their bank accounts, so with nowhere to stay and wanting to be their for his Mom he moved home, which is where we met. Now, I work full time, I also rent half my house, and i have my own business that is basically a second full-time job, though i manage to cram all the labor for that into weekends and evenings. When we became serious about seeing each other he moved into my house. I knew he was strapped financially, and what he doesn't send to CS basically goes to the long bi-weekly visitation commute and getting a hotel room with the kids (he cannot stay with BM, even if she had room, she is just too completely awful to him). Usually we are ok, we work a lot but we do ok. DH and i even put out a YA novel, published it with a good publisher, and appeared on a local radio station, did a mini book tour, etc, so we have been doing good stuff together. But sometimes the pressure of working all the time and bringing home less than a third after taxes just breaks him down.

Last night after a particularly rough time with his homework (he thinks he may fail this particularly hard class, for a second time, because the teacher on this online course just doesn't teach! They kind of just say "eh, read the book and don't bother me!" They assume all their students are young jerk kids with all the free time in the world-- not middle aged adults trying to better themselves and working full time) he just melted down. He was sobbing and saying really upsetting stuff that implied suicide("i just can't do this," "i can't go through the next 12 years this way"). I hold him and tell him to just get through today, and that it won't always be like this, but he is just unconsolable when he has one of these breakdowns. Nothing i say seems to help, no matter how honest or positive or supportive I am he is just positive that he is a failure and life will never get better. I try to tell him that life will always be a combination of better and worse, it's never all shit and disaster, it's never all sunshine and flowers. I am deeply disturbed when he says this sort of thing because he had a childhood friend who committed suicide when they were 14, and i know it affected him very profoundly. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, but I have had it under control the last few years, and in fact i don't think DH has ever seen me have a full-blown episode. I know when you suffer from a mental disorder that things that seem clear to other people just do not seem even close to within reach for you. I just don't know what to do.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed. By the end of his whatever-the -hell-episode (depression? Anxiety? Panic?) it was after 1am, both of us had worked 10 hours and he had done 5hours of homework while i did other work on the couch beside him. By the time his meltdown was over we had both been in tears, i was so exhausted I barely remember laying down. I have just no idea what to do. We just ordered wedding invites, and I am here wondering if i can handle the rest of my life facing these kind of breakdowns. To be fair, they are infrequent, maybe once every six months, less lately. He is improving. I love him so much. And I know his ex wife just made him feel worthless as he full-time job, she still tries! Why is everything so freaking hard. If DH coukd just find a job that didn't suck his soul out for pennies, or if he would agree to reducing his CS... But both of those are sort of big if's right now... :.(