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Sudden urgency for SS's graduation

justmakingthebest's picture

I am really struggling to be supportive of my hubs right now. He suddenly is all about doing something for SS18's graduation (that's in 2 days!). He was so mad at me last night because I flat out said that you don't want my opinion on what to say or send to him. He said that I just needed to support him. I yelled... probably the only time I have ever yelled at my husband and said don't you dare say that. I have given and sacrificed and supported you for the last 8 years fighting for your kid. I have done all the leg work for court, I have planned, booked tickets, vacations, everything! I have done nothing but be supportive and I just don't have anything left to give him. 

This kid accused me of abuse. Hasn't spoken to his dad in 2 years. Has lied in court. Said that we had him driving us around bar hopping when he was 13 (we don't bar hop and we sure as hell don't let 13 yr olds drive!). Done nothing but be his mooommmyy's little puppet and break his dad's heart. We have spent over 100K in court battles just to be in his life and "he refuses to get on a plane" to see his dad.

F that kid.

But, I understand DH wants to do something... whatever. I just don't have the emotional capacity to be really involved in it. It's his kid. Not mine, that has been made crystal clear. I'm not even stepmom. I'm just "dad's new wife"... that has been around since he was 10.

I e-mailed DH this morning and told him to pick up a card on his way home and we can send a passport application and the checks for the state department and post office. Tell him that he has a plane ticket waiting to visit his dad in Japan whenever he is ready. 

In my mind, if he get's a passport in general it means he is leaving his shit town and will be a better person for it. Travel is important. If he actually decides to see his dad in Japan, even better. But if not we aren't just giving empty cash- there is a purpose. I didn't say this to DH but that is my line of thinking. I don't know what else to do. I want to support my husband but I don't want to support his last ditch groveling to be in his son's life efforts. Does that make sense? 


Noway2b1's picture

The passports and possible ticket to Japan. I hope your DH was appreciative of your idea and does it. What did DH have in mind?

I'm going through a mini version of this in regards to gift giving. I spend time with my kids and grandkids for birthdays and holidays. It's most important to me. The gift of time. DH on the other hand all cash. Of course he also isn't given the time of day by any of his kids or grandkids but those cash gifts keep coming regardless. I'm beating a dead horse over this but it's hard seeing him always given crumbs when it comes to having any quality time with his family. 

justmakingthebest's picture

He hasn't responded yet, but that's not unusual. He isn't sitting in front of his computer for most of the day. I get responses from him randomly. 

ICanMakeIt's picture

But aren't you still waiting to resolve the "CS" with Evil beotch? Does she know your DH is going to Japan? If not maybe don't give them a heads up. I feel like she will use anything like that to her advantage. 

I'm sorry this little jackwagon is still causing you heartburn even though this time it's spawned by DH. How many times do people have to show you who they are for you (your DH) to believe them? But I kinda get a last ditch effort. I hate that we all pretty much can assume the outcome. Sad  


justmakingthebest's picture

We are still trying to figure out that court date. Her attorney has gone back to refusing to answer anything. 

It doesn't really matter if she knows. CS can't be recalculated for the additional income he will be receiving. He won't be leaving until SS has graduated and he is already 18. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Mr JustMakingTheBest needs to have his ears boxed.  You have been more than supportive of trying to help with build a relationship with SS not to mention that you enable him to have a career he enjoys by supporting older SS when DH is deployed.  I know he's normally not a dumb-head but he sure is acting like one at the moment.

I think the idea of funding the passport is great.  Perfect for a young adult and even if he doesn't use it visit his dad it might somehow expand his mental horizons.

justmakingthebest's picture

This morning, after I slept on it, I can put myself in his shoes better. I can't imagine how hurt he is feeling over missing his son's graduation and so much of his life over the last 2 years. I know he is just hurting too. 

But yeah, taking it out on me, saying I am not supportive just sent me off!

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I get it.  That's why I suggested that he needed his ears boxed rather than an Aniki special monkey punch.  *diablo*

Aniki-Moderator's picture

So.... instead of a Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch we go with a Flying Five Finger Monkey Sack Smack? *dirol*

la_dulce_vida's picture

I think your DH is making a mistake. Better to put the funds for a graduation (birthdays and holidays too) gift into a savings account and then wait for SS to mend the rift. Only then would I entertain giving him what was set aside for him.

justmakingthebest's picture

I don't even want to put in the effort for a savings account for him lol 

Show up, don't. Whatever. We aren't hanging on for him anymore. We stopped buying gifts a while ago other than something small that we send to the school for a treat like edible arrangements. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Don't put the savings account in his name - just set the funds aside.

I would NOT send him anything. SS made his choice. He sh*t on all the good efforts you both made. SS has made it clear he wants nothing from his father. Your DH should respect that.

What your DH is doing, he is doing for HIMSELF. He is not doing it for SS. Your DH wants to feel like he did everything he could when the best thing to do is leave SS alone until SS decides to reach out.

CLove's picture

seems like you are getting all the backlash for all the hurt feelings. Like I always say you are "safe" - safe to lash out at.

Husband does similar. When he is stressed or upset, he lashes out.

A ticket sounds like a gift that will definitely open things up if used. I also believe travel is a necessity of life. I always used to tell SD24 Feral Forger that...she didnt listen and still has no license to drive and no car of course.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am his safe place and he usually isn't like this. I know his emotions are high now too though, so I am giving him grace. 

ESMOD's picture

That idea is not bad.. my original thought would be just a letter telling him that his dad loves him and has fought for a relationship with him and is ready to have one with him when he realizes that having a father in his life is important.. or something like that.

I would give no gift other than the written out checks for the passport.. nothing that could be used otherwise.

justmakingthebest's picture

I think just knowing that the gift won't benefit BM in any way or make things financially easier for SS going to college (which he still hasn't told his dad about for funding) makes me feel better about it all. 

ICanMakeIt's picture

Your DH may be able to view graduation online. My SS's was live streamed last year. Just a thought to help ease his pain and be able to "be there". 
He (not you - you have done well above enough) can check with the school. 
I think the passport idea is Awesome - open door without groveling. He's an adult after all - time to make some decisions without his Mommy Dearest. 

CajunMom's picture

I'm sorry. Your DH is regressing in his emotions and you are taking the unwarrented hits. I think your idea is great...if he gets the Passport, wonderful. If not, then you have not wasted money. I also recognize how deeply this hurts you and how you just don't want to be involved. And why should you?

To share in your pain.....not sure if you saw my post about the failed reunification attempt but what I got from my DH? "You sure showed yourself today." Ummm...not really, DH. The security camera video shows who started the trouble and sorry, but being accused of mental abuse brings out the fight in me. 

Then when things settled down, I get to listen to a 5 minute rant about how he needs to be a better father and communicate better with his kids. All the while, I sit there, thinking...where's that fire for our marriage?? 

I swear, I love DH but I'll never remarry...too much damn work and emotional pain. Thankfully, this type of event hasn't happened in 5 years and now we are doing a permanent "goodbye" so hopefully no more SK BS in my life.

I'm sending you a big hug.....hang in there. This graduation will pass. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I saw your post, this steplife crap really sucks with kids like these!

Thank god for my SS23. He may have his issues, but I love that kid and he loves me!

strugglingSM's picture

I also decided recently that I'm not a stepmom, I'm fine being "dad's wife", which is what everyone treats me like anyway. I'm done with the drama, I'm done with being the villain, I'm done with the entitlement. I choose not to be a stepmom. 

My DH also got snappy at me after seeing SS, recently, which he always does. I simply said that if SS (17) went to stay at the family cabin alone, he was responsible for anything that was damaged and for making sure the place was clean. DH yelled at me, "that's so stupid, he never breaks anything..." Um, not true, this SS has broken so many things. I explained to DH that if the kid was going to stay alone, he was responsible, not us (especially since he's not my kid, so I can't tell him that I expect him to be responsible and not do anything stupid). It doesn't matter anyway because MIL told SS he couldn't go alone for the weekend. I know DH has unresolved issues about his kids essentially being alienated from him and has issue with the fact that I'm over interacting with them and dealing with the drama and lies about me, but he needs to work through that himself, not take it all out on me. 

justmakingthebest's picture

The alienation makes things so complicated! 

As a parent, I can't even imagine how I would feel in his shoes. I'm by no means perfect in my co-parenting with my ex but my kids know at the end of the day- Dad and mom are on the same side FOR THEM. We will work through whatever FOR THEM. 

I could never take their dad from them. It's completely traumatizing and emotionally stunts these people in future relationships! 

strugglingSM's picture

Yeah, I know it stinks for DH. He's told me he feels like he's lost his older children. I've encouraged him to find a counselor to work through it, because I can't help him worth through that and I'm also done being the target for his feelings of anger and hurt over the whole thing. 

It also stinks for his kids. One is sort of seeing the light, because BM has now gone after him, but they both lost out on having a real relationship with their dad, because BM made sure that they didn't. They missed out due to her ego and vindictiveness. 

Cover1W's picture

Oh, I feel you.  DH, a couple years ago, was going on an on about who WASN'T helping him and I was on that roster. Which did NOT help his argument - cue same reasons you stated (sans court, he never did that with even a 10,000 foot pole).

Once your SS is out of school, I think things may simmer down a bit. For DH the most difficult part was the milestones during the senior year that he had no part of. Until he was asked ONLY to open his bank account for college money. Yeah, no. After that awful phone call, about 2 years ago now, he's heard ZERO from SD19. He does get sad still from time to time, wondering how to fix it, what could have been done, what he did wrong, what she was (BM and/or SD depending) really like. He more uses me now as a "reality check." Which is fine. I just keep my mouth shut unless he asks something directly and if it's a pretty much inocuous question I'll answer him with kindness and patience.

What's happening now with YSD17 not coming over with the most ridiculous excuses possible, is it's dragging all this up again for him. She talks with him more, still sees him about once a month (a far cry from 50/50) for a couple days - well, stays in her room here for a couple days a month - and he does get a little info out of her about school stuff, college plans, very general things. But she's pretty emotionally and verbally distant. I have a feeling BM is (no surprise) behind her actually coming here every so often because if YSD cuts him off (for again, no reason) then there's no college $ there either.

I just remain disengaged as possible and live my life.

justmakingthebest's picture

DH is heading out for the next 18-21 months soon so I think that is stirring things up for him too. This is going to be hard for us as a couple and hard on him knowing that there is nothing he can physically do to be involved. But that is stuff he has to work through on his own. I can't fix this. SS is an adult, officially as of Saturday. 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

If he wants to do anything for the adult who accused you of abuse and neglect, thats his prerogative

Why are you booking tickets and sending applications for passports for an 18yo adult male?? 

Let the men be men and resolve their own problems. 

At 18yo, I wasnt waiting on my parents to show me how to renew/get a passport or other admin docs

Who cares about the 18yo adult male's future and him getting out of his small town in the woods with his BM? Thats his problem

Quit trying to parent grown men and put yourself in grown mens shoes. The truth is we dont know how they are feeling and why they are doing wtv they are doing as adults. 

I would sit and enjoy my life as an adult woman with no responsibilities towards my husbands offspring. I personally have been accused of being "abusive" for implementing consequences to poor behaviors and setting boundaries and I hold a big grudge towards my husband and his children for it so I wouldnt do anything to help adult male children but I will steer clear from them and their abusive ways like i am doing now with my abusive SS21

justmakingthebest's picture


He got home from work at about 8, he did pick up a card and thought the passport idea was good. So he made out those 2 checks and I told him I would run it by the post office today and 2nd day it so it will be there on Saturday for Graduation. All the attitude was gone last night and we were normal. He is leaving for 3 weeks on Friday and we are going to celebrate our anniversary early tonight so I am glad we are back to good!

Noway2b1's picture

When you have a spouse that considers your thoughts and opinions on things it makes a ton of difference in the relationship and outcome. I at least have that too.