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Saw A Quote

justmakingthebest's picture

"A step parent doesn't just marry a spouse: They marry their spouses entire situation.

They have to find a balance between supporting and defending with out over stepping visiblie and invisble boundaries."

 

That one just kind of stuck out to me... We do have this tight rope to alway walk. To balance being there for our husbands/wives/So's and yet not being lost in their struggles. To find balance in our homes, needing respect from our steps, needing our spouses to stand up for us, finding out way through a mess of court proceedings, crazy a$$ BM's, ect... Step life isn't for sissy's! 

Comments

beebeel's picture

Meh. That quote strikes me as being written by a BM. And it could be said of any marriage. I feel less like a tightrope walker and more like I'm traveling through a mine field. And boundaries? Bwahahahahaha. It's usually the SM trying to set some friggin boundaries for once while everyone ignores her struggle. The "boundaries" this quote is referring to imply Sm needs to stay in her lane.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

That was my vibe too... especialy the seen and unseen boundaries... Seems to much like "stay in your line and I'm going to be constantly making up new boundaries I don't want you to cross. But i won't say what they are. You just have to guess and hope you're right."

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Better solution is. "I as the SM will be polite and respectful to the situation. But you don't control me, and if YOU step over the boundaries I need in place or cause harm to my family, I will take you down."

But I've also been told I have an aggressive personality... LMAO

Angel

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I agree with you 110%. If anything, MY boundaries have been violated again and again.

justmakingthebest's picture

I guess I saw it differently... I took it as there are boundaries to navigate on both sides with your spouse.... the "defending" your boundaries is always a struggle.

tog redux's picture

I agree with it.  I do feel like I married DH's situation, and if he hadn't handled it reasonably well, we wouldn't have made it.  And I've had to learn to strike a balance between supporting him and trying to control how he handles things, which has not always been easy for me.

justmakingthebest's picture

That is where I sit. I am a take control person and having to learn to step back has been really hard for me. Recently it has even been harder to support a custody case that I don't think I even want to happen. It is a constant balance that you have to handle with grace and compassion for your spouse. 

tog redux's picture

Mine is more about being anxious and wanting him to handle things the way I do so I won't be anxious- but I have to let that go.

As for the boundaries, I think there are boundaries a stepmother shouldn't cross - for example, I never joined school meetings, or any other type of parenting activity.  Sometimes those were clear, for me, and sometimes they weren't.

I think a lot of SM's do leave their lane, quite frankly, at least some on here.

Siemprematahari's picture

I prefer this quote better:

Anyone can be a MOTHER/FATHER but it takes a FEARLESS WARRIOR to be a Step Mother/Father.

 

lala-land's picture

What is an invisible boundary?  How do you know it’s there?  Boundaries by definition must be defined otherwise they aren’t boundaries.  They are suggestions at best or nonexistent at worst. And how in the world do you know if you have crossed an invisible boundary...perhaps when the BM or DH or stepkids start to randomly yell at you, or shun you or disrespect you? This advise seems to let the bioparents and their kids off the hook for a lot of bad behavior and allows them to create a minefield (as an earlier poster better defined it) that every step parent must navigate.  Ridiculous!

notasm3's picture

My motto:  One does not have to accept the role of stepparent for adult skids.  

They can be tossed  aside like garbage if that’s what they are.  Most aren’t though. But as this is a vent site there’s a much higher percentage here. 

shamds's picture

We can’t overstep any of the boundaries of the existing family but they can do it to us constantly and throw us under the bus. Where is the quote saying the skids respect the stepparent and their boundaries? Where is it saying the spouse should respect the new spouse they brought into their dysfunction and mess of stepcrap/blendedcrap and excrap??

my boundaries have regularly been overstepped by skids, exwife and at times my husband who refused to man up until i said i was done and needed a divorce, that he wasn’t worth being treated like shit